


New Year’s Resolution

by tomarkexists



Category: Blink-182
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom!Mark, Forced Masturbation, Forced Orgasm, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Top!Tom, Verbal Humiliation, With a possibility of switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-30 23:07:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 61,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomarkexists/pseuds/tomarkexists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark was a nobody in the new town of Poway. No friends, no families and he just lost his job. Until he was held hostage by Tom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is the first (thing I remember)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by Stockholm Syndrome. It starts very horrible and might be off putting but I swear it gets better!

Mark’s P.O.V.

“You’re fucking fired! Don’t even bother giving me your shit excuses!” Chad screamed into my ears as he pointed at the door, telling me to get out of his shop.

**_Great Mark, you just lost your fucking job, you asshole._ **

I stood on the pavement, not really sure what happened. I had been turning up late to work for the past few weeks, and I guess today was the last straw. It is all my fucking fault. If I am not so useless and lazy and put in some bloody effort …

When I moved to Poway, I thought it will be a nice change. Away from my stupid family, away from my friends who don’t give a shit about me, away from the idiots of my home town. But after living here for six months, I was more alone than ever. I had not made any friends and I know no one in this stupid town. My life has become a boring routine of working at the music shop, eating junk food every day and trying to get my music career started.

Somebody bumped into me and before I could say sorry, the person had walked on by. I sighed at my terrible predicament. No job, no friends, no family and definitely no record deal. Why did I think it was a good idea to move across the country?

I started walking away from the music shop, heading towards my shitty apartment. Chad was a dick anyway, I’m glad I’m fired. But now I need to find a new job, so that I can survive in this horrid town.

You think being by yourself, you will be free, able to do whatever the fuck you want. But I am always trapped by something. I got out of my parent’s control just to be smacked on the face by reality.

Reality that I will never make it in the music industry. Reality that I will never make any friends. Reality that I will not get laid or a girlfriend. I am way too fucking weird anyway. People don’t listen to my type of music or find the things I like to do fun. I just want someone I can listen to  ** _The Cure_  **with, maybe play on my Nintendo, smoke some weed, I don’t know. I just need someone.

I need a friend.

“Happy New Year to you!” a cheerful old guy said to me while he walked passed me.

Oh yeah, it’s fucking New Year’s Eve too.

This day could not get any better. I just came to the sad realisation that I will be spending New Year’s by myself, eating some leftover Mexican food then watching Star Wars. All by myself. On fucking New Year’s Eve.

Can my life get any more pathetic?

As if answering my thoughts in my head, a car drove past, splashing water all over me. I groaned as I tried to dry myself to no avail. Light was disappearing fast. I need to get back home before I get mobbed or some shit.

It’s going to be a new year soon. I need to change my life if I were to go anywhere. I need to stop being lazy and actually put in effort. I know I can make it in the music industry if I try harder. I know I can hold a job.

And I know I can meet someone new to kill the loneliness that has been manifesting in me.

I decided. My new year’s resolution is to meet someone new. Maybe get a girlfriend. Damn, it’s been way too long …

I turned into an alleyway. It was a short cut to my apartment building. There was no one around. I guess everybody is partying or some shit. I continued walking until I realised my pathway was blocked and nearly bumped into the person.

It was a man with medium build, way taller than me. He has dark brown hair, quite long and messily styled. His hair shaded his very dark brown eyes, and I noticed his wide nose and thin lips. There was a piece of metal attached to his lower lip, which I soon realised to be a piercing. He was wearing a black shirt with a dark pair of jeans. He had a slight smile on his face. He doesn’t look threatening, but you may never know.

“Hey,” his voice was quiet and low, like as if he was afraid of something.

“Hey. Happy New Year’s,” maybe this is the chance to meet a new friend. Okay, the location is fucking dodgy as hell. It is basically an invitation for thieves to beat you up and steal your shit. But I am desperate to meet someone new. Talking to a dull wall every night is slowly suffocating me.

His eyes were friendly. And he looked familiar…

“Wait, do I know you?” I am pretty sure I have seen him around before. Maybe he goes to the music shop? I then realised who he was. He was a regular patron of the shop. I tried to give him assistance every time he is in the shop but he always refused it, keeping distance away from me like I am a disease. He never buys anything but he always hanged around the punk section. I caught him staring at me a few times and it always felt weird when he was in the shop.

He looked panicked, like I caught him doing something he shouldn’t be doing. He grabbed something out of his pocket; it was too dark to see what it was. He raised it and placed it over my face, drowning me with the wet cloth. I stood there, shocked, until I regained my senses. I started struggling and I tried to get out of his grip but he held on tight. I realised too late what he was doing to me. The smell smothered me and filled my lungs. The last thing I saw was his face, and I realised he was beautiful. I am not gay or anything, but his face was like a fucking angel.

I blacked out.

Tom’s P.O.V.

He was late. He usually is. But he is very late today.

He finally made it to the shop. His hair was messy, as per normal, and he wore his usual clothes. I observed him entering the music shop and I waited.

Today is the day.

Today is the day I am going to get my prize.

It had been four months since I started this little project of mine. He bumped into me while I was at the city, minding my own business, about to jump down the nearest building. Life bear no meaning to me any more. My father doesn’t love me and my mum is a downright bitch. Kari and Shon are assholes, I fucking despise them. I had no friends. I had no one.

My father told me the night before that he doesn’t love me as he used to. He smacked me right on the face, and began to beat the complete shit out of me. I found pleasure in it, and I continued to moan, asking him to do more. He stopped and spat on me, saying he doesn’t want to see me any more. I was no longer his perfect boy. I am too ugly for him, too loose for him, too submissive for him, no longer fun. He put on his pants and left, leaving me naked and crying on my bedroom floor.

He reminded me so much of my father. Sky blue eyes that burned a hole through your body when he looks at you, yet I was flying as I look into those eyes. He was shorter than me, like my father. He was wearing the same cologne as my father. His dressing was similar to mine. He mumbled an apology and walked away.

My body burned with anger and lust. I don’t want to kill myself any more.

I wanted him as mine. I will make him mine.

I will show my father that I can be dominant. That he was stupid to leave me.

I started stalking him. His name is Mark. Mark Hoppus. It has a nice ring to it. I will go to the music shop where he worked just to look at him. I followed him everywhere, trying to find out more about his life. After four months of hard work, I had enough knowledge to know he is perfect. No friends, no family, completely alone in a big town.

No one will notice him gone.

He walked out of the shop, looking confused. He just stood there on the pavement, not moving. I was getting quite worried until some guy bumped into him, causing him to get out of his trance. He started moving and I knew where he was heading. The alleyway to his apartment.

I quickly ran so that I could wait for him there. I made it there in two minutes and I waited for my prey. I took out the bottle of chloroform and the piece of cloth and doused it with the liquid.

Ten minutes later, he was in the alleyway. He looked wet, like he’s been in a shower. He was looking down, not giving any attention to his surroundings.

He nearly bumped into me and I nearly laughed at the irony.

“Hey,” I said lowly, afraid someone might catch us.

“Hey. Happy New Year’s,” he smiled at me. His face searched mine and I started to panic. What if he recognised me?

“Wait, do I know you?” fuck, fuck, fuck…

I have to do it now. I lunged towards him, placing the cloth over his nose. He did not move, until he started struggling. I held him down, making sure he won’t escape. His face was screaming with fear. Right before he passed out, his bright blue eyes burned a hole in mine, tearing me apart.  He finally passed out and went limp in my arms.

Finally.


	2. Now it’s the last (thing left on my mind)

Tom’s P.O.V.

I grabbed one of his limp arms and placed it on my shoulder so I could support him. I started dragging him towards my parked car, which was a few blocks away. People walked past us, completely ignoring the fact that I was carrying a passed out guy. They probably thought he was drunk because of the New Year. I couldn’t help but smiled to myself at the convenience of it all. We finally reached my beat up car and I dropped him on the back seat. I grabbed the strong rope that I had prepared earlier and started tying his wrists and ankles together. I placed a piece of cloth around his mouth, tying it tightly behind his head.

He looked so adorable passed out like that, so helpless, so defenceless.

Mine. All mine to play with.

I shut the door and got in the driver’s seat. I could not believe my luck. That went smoother than I expected. I laughed in the stale air, congratulating myself.

I started driving towards the log cabin that I owned. Well, technically it was my father’s, but seeing as he is not even in Poway, yet alone San Diego, I thought I could use it. It will be an hour drive and hopefully, the chloroform does not wear out by then.

I could not wait to see the fear in his eyes. I hope he struggled. I hope he tried to scream. Then when he realised that he could not be saved, I hope he begged for mercy.

I was starting to get hard at the thought of it all.

I continued driving in the silence, sneaking glances at him once in a while. He looked so peaceful, so ignorant and oblivious to what was going to happen to him soon. I wanted to take him right there and then, but I controlled myself. If I waited for four months, I could wait a bit more.

I could see his steady breathing, and thought to myself how I could easily just end it. I am in power now, in total control of someone’s life. I could let him live or I could kill him. I could pleasure him or I could make him suffer and wish I just kill him. This is not what I am used to, always being so dependent on my father, being totally controlled by the man that I love.

Not any more. 

His smooth, naturally tanned face, his skinny limps and his tousled hair was making it harder for me to concentrate on the drive.

It took all the self-discipline to not stop the car and fuck him right there.

After half an hour, I could hear him stirring. The chloroform must have worn out. I started to panic.

I stopped the car. We were in the middle of a forest. I got out and went to the back seat. His eyes were fluttering open. I took out the cloth and douse it with the chloroform again.

“Now now Mark, we are not there yet,” I whispered into his ears before placing the cloth firmly on his face.

His eyes were staring right into mine. I could see his eyes screaming, screaming at me to stop. It did not took him long to pass out again. I looked at his face, his perfect face and I could not help but to lean closer. I leaned closer until we were breathing in the same air. We were just an inch apart. I was about to kiss him when I stopped myself.

Fuck, I am supposed to be in control, in power.

I slapped his face hard. I slapped him again. I slapped him until there was a huge ugly red mark on his perfect face. He may be unconscious but I hoped it hurt him. Fuck you Mark for being irresistible.

“There’s more where that came from,” I said to his drugged out body.

I got out and climbed back to the driver’s seat, continuing my journey. I wanted to punch myself for nearly falling into his trap.

We finally made it to my destination  The log cabin instantly reminded me of so many memories. The things my father did to me in this place, I am about to do it to him. I grabbed him out of the seat and heaved him inside. I made my way to the bedroom, and dropped him on the big bed.

Now, I wait.

Mark’s P.O.V.

Darkness.

That’s all I could see.

It was peaceful and I liked it. It was far away from my never ending problems. Light suddenly streamed into the darkness, threatening to disturb my haven.

My eyes opened groggily. My body felt numb and heavy. I was confused. What happened? Where am I?

My thoughts were hazy. I tried to remember what happened to me. I felt uncomfortable in my current position and tried to sit up. That’s when I realised that my hands are bounded. By what? I looked down and saw the rope. My legs felt restricted too and my mouth felt tight. It took me a couple of seconds to understand what is going on.

**_What the fuck?_ **

I was on a bed in a room that I did not recognise. I was puzzled as fuck until I heard a sudden cough. I turned my head, looking at the direction of the sound.

At first, I did not recognise him. Until he came closer towards me, into the light, with an evil smirk on his face. I remembered. I remembered everything.

**_Fuck, fuck, fuck…_ **

“Mr Hoppus, you are finally awake,” his low voice was gentle. His eyes though, they told a different story.

I could see hunger in his eyes.

This is not good.

I struggled violently, trying to escape from the ropes. But it was not working.

“Mark, don’t try to escape. We are in the middle of nowhere, far from civilisation. You have no friends, no family. No one will notice you gone,” he gave me a satisfied smile. How the fuck did he knew my name? How the fuck did he knew so much about me? Had he been stalking me?

His words sunk in. He was right. Fuck, no one will care enough to try to find me.

“Look, I trust you not to scream when I take this gag out, okay?” **_why is he being so nice to me?_**

He took the gag out and my first reaction was to scream. Scream for help, scream at him, just scream. But it refused to come out.

“Who are you?” my voice was weak and groggy.

He thought for a second, probably contemplating whether to reveal his identity to me.

“My name is Tom.”

“Please Tom … don’t hurt me …”  ** _fuck, did I just beg to this fucked up guy?_**  “If you want money, I can give you money. Just let me go. Please …”

“I don’t want your money!” he started laughing hysterically. He’s insane, completely insane.

“What do you want from me? Please don’t hurt me,” I had a terrible feeling that what he wanted from me was not my money, or any of my possessions. No, from the way he looked at me, the way his eyes devoured my body, the way he licked his lips, he wanted …

“You. I want you.”

He lunged forward at me and I could feel his huge hands around my throat, squeezing with enough pressure to make sure I could hardly breathe.

“You better not pass out on me Markus, we’re only just getting started,” he started taking out my clothes roughly, tearing my shirt angrily, pulling my shorts and boxers out. Before long, I was naked, except for the ropes on my hands and legs, in front of this stranger.

Fuck, he’s going to rape me.  ** _FUCK FUCK FUCK_**

His dark brown eyes were full of lust and power. I could see my dull blue eyes reflected back through his eyes, and all I could see was fear.

Fear.

Something beeped and I realised it was his watch that he was wearing on his left wrist. He stopped what he was doing and checked the time. A small smirk appeared on his evil face.

“Happy New Year Markus,” that’s when I felt his hands on my bare ass, separating my cheeks.

This is going to hurt like hell.


	3. Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)

Mark’s P.O.V.

I tried to blank out everything that was going to happen to me. But I couldn’t  I just couldn’t.

He flipped me over, so that my stomach and chest was against the bed. My head was tilted to the side and I forced myself to breathe. I could feel his rough fingers all over my body. He propped my knees up, so that my ass was facing his face. He moved my legs apart, making sure that it was spread wide enough. I heard a jingle and I realised he had unzipped his jeans. I could feel him near me and my panic went on overdrive.

“Please, stop!” I finally managed to scream.

He softly laughed before pushing himself roughly inside me.

Something inside me exploded.

I could feel myself splitting wide open. Tears were quickly falling down my face. I cursed my own weakness but the pain was unbearable. He noticed it and came close beside my face. He kissed the tears away and I recoiled at his gentle touch. He blinked, apparently confused at what just happened. He gave me a tight slap on my face before thrusting himself in and out of me without holding back. I could feel blood dripping down my legs.

I felt so exposed, so disgraced, so  ** _used._**

This went on for the next few minutes. The pain was still there and it took over my body as I winced with every single thrust. I could feel him going faster and faster and his groans louder and louder. I wished he would just get it over and done with until something unexplainable happened. He hit a spot inside my body that managed to give me chills.

“Fuck, fuck …”  ** _was I fucking moaning?_**

He did not seem to notice the forbidden noises that were coming out of my mouth. He was in a trance, pushing inside me roughly and grunting to himself. I wanted to stop this feeling, but I couldn’t  He kept hitting that spot and I could feel the pain going away, being replaced by bliss. 

Suddenly, he grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me upwards. He dug his teeth on my neck and bit really hard. I could feel my skin breaking. I cringed at the sudden pain. A trail of blood was trickling down my chest. He kept pushing, kept hitting me in the alien spot, kept sending me over the edge. I tried to force my body to not enjoy it, but it was nearly impossible.

“FUCK!” he trusted for the last time before releasing his load inside me. He pulled out and let go of my weak body, letting me fall on the bed. I could hear him panting above me, trying to regain his breath. Suddenly, I began thinking about what just happened.

He raped me.

I was raped.

I enjoyed it at a certain point.

I was so fucking confused and mortified at what happened.

He flipped me over, making me face him. He came close to my face and I closed my eyes tight, not wanting to look at him, to give him the satisfaction he wanted. He was pressed up against me and I could feel his limp dick on my legs.

“Open your eyes,” he demanded in a quiet whisper.

I ignored his request.

“Open your fucking eyes!” he gave me another slap and I could feel tears coming as the slap stung me.

I did as I was told. I had to.

“Did you like that?” his smile was sinister on his horrid, beautiful face. “Did you like my dick in your ass?”

Scared to be slapped again, I shook my head.

“Don’t fucking lie, you have a boner right now.”

My eyes moved down to my lower region and I realised, in horror, that he was right.

I was just fucking raped and it made me hard. What is going on?

“Touch yourself,” he commanded me.

My eyes bulged. He is going to humiliate me even further than he already has.

“Touch yourself now before I fucking kill you!” his rough hands were at my throat again, squeezing it tightly.

My hands trembled as I grabbed my penis. It was as hard as a rock and I cursed my body for betraying me. It was awkward to move because my hands were still tied with the rope. I started masturbating in front of him. He reduced the pressure on my throat, but still kept his hands on me.

I closed my eyes again, not wanting to see his gloating eyes, not wanting to see his triumph.

“Open your fucking eyes slut!” my eyes immediately flew open.

I could feel myself being more ashamed as the minutes go by. I was moaning and panting while my hands worked faster and faster, eager to get this over and done with. His pleased eyes locked into mine and I could feel myself drowning in the brown sea. Before long, I came in my hands.

He laughed at me and got up, leaving the bed. He started walking towards the door.

“Goodnight Mark,” he switched the lights off, leaving me in the dark room alone.

I knew I could not escape from this hell. I was probably miles away from help and my body was too weak to even move. My ass was currently in flames and it hurt every time I tried to move. All I could do was lie in the darkness and cry.

I hoped sleep will come to me fast but I had no luck. The event just replayed in my head again and again and I got even more embarrassed.

I have never been more afraid in my life.

Tom’s P.O.V.

He felt good.

Fuck no. He felt  ** _amazing._**

When I pushed myself inside him, violating his purity, taking away his virginity, he started crying. I leaned near his face and started kissing his tears, trying to comfort him.

**_Wait, what the fuck was I doing?_ **

I am not supposed to comfort him! He is supposed to be in pain! He is supposed to cry! He fucking deserved this!

I slapped him hard across his face. He flinched at the hard contact. That’s better, show him who’s the fucking boss around here.

I kept my rhythm, not wanting to slow down. I gave him no chance to adjust or stretch; I didn’t even use lube. I just wanted it to be raw, animalistic, forced.

He was so tight and warm. I was in paradise. I kept going and going until I felt myself to be close. I grabbed him by his shoulders before sinking my teeth into his neck, claiming him as mine.

Mine. All to myself.

After a couple more thrusts, I began to see light. Bright lights just clouding in my head.

“FUCK!” I managed to scream out while I orgasmed. I quickly filled him up and felt myself being totally spent. I let go off him, trying to regain my composure.

After a few minutes, I flipped him over so I could look at his beautiful face. His skin was coated with a layer of sweat and his cheeks were flushed. His blue eyes were screaming at me to not touch him, not to violate him. That only made me want to disgrace him even further.

I came close to his face to inspect a little further at his perfect appearance. He is so fucking lucky to be born with features like this. Sky blue eyes, a good high nose, perfect chiselled bone structure, soft lips that are just the right size and a beautiful cleft chin. I have never seen a person pull off a butt chin until I laid my eyes on him. He doesn’t even fucking deserve them! He closed his eyes and I could feel myself getting angrier at my captive.

“Open your eyes,” I whispered into his ears and I could see him swallow nervously.

He ignored me.

**_How dare he ignored me?_ **

“Open your fucking eyes!” I gave him another slap to get my point across.

He finally obeyed me and I was once again flying in those eyes of his.

“Did you like that? Did you like my dick in your ass?” he shook his head quickly.  “Don’t fucking lie, you have a boner right now.”

I followed his eyes as they move down to his penis. I nearly laughed at his facial expression when he realised I was right.

What a fucking slut. He totally enjoyed it in the ass.

“Touch yourself,” I was starting to get aroused again at the thought of him forced to touch himself. Like a fucking toy or a puppet, he have to do what I say.

I have to get used to my power.

He did not respond and I could feel my hatred exploding out of me.

“Touch yourself now before I fucking kill you!” I squeezed his throat, threatening to strangle him.

He finally grabbed his dick with his tied up hands and started jerking off. I smiled at him, at how weak and powerless he is.

He closed his eyes again.

This fucking bastard never learn.

“Open your fucking eyes slut!” he complied instantly.

Eventually, he began moaning as his hands pleasured him. I wished those hands were on me but I wanted to see the shame in his eyes. I wanted to see the fear, the hatred, how pathetic he can look.

I want to see this fucker squirm.

When he came, it was the most beautiful thing I seen. His face was contorted with ecstasy and I cursed his beauty. When he gave me this look of his, this look of giving up, it snapped me back to reality.

I am not supposed to fall in love with him.

No, I can’t.

I laughed at his helplessness for the last time before getting out of the bed. I zipped up my jeans and walked towards the door.

“Goodnight Mark,” I switched the lights off before closing the door.

Time to drink some beer while thinking how fun this will be.


	4. An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)

Tom’s P.O.V.

**_Green, that’s all I can see. I was surrounded by it. Everywhere I look, it was jade._ **

**_An immaculate, emerald meadow spreads across the horizon. I finally noticed the pink, the orange, the red sky. The sun was setting, the colours painted above me, nearly glowing. I was alone, not even a fly was near me. It was calm, serene and I felt oddly content._ **

**_A speck far away from me pulled me away from my thoughts. It seems to be coming closer to me by the second. I was enthralled by it and could feel my legs moving, moving closer to the speck. The speck became bigger and bigger, until I realised it was a figure. A person._ **

**_By now, I was running. Running faster than I ever had. I have no idea who this person is, but I have this unexplainable need to be near this person, to touch this being. The person is running towards me too, so I knew that he, or she, feel the same way. This urge to be close to each other, to devour each other’s presence. We were a few metres away from each other when I suddenly stopped, nearly tripping over myself at the sudden stop._ **

**_I knew those eyes._ **

**_Blue, that’s all I can see. I was surrounded by it. Everywhere I look, it was sapphire._ **

**_A beautiful, sincere smile spreads across his face. I finally noticed the black hair, the olive skin, the slight pink blush. We were standing so close to each other, nearly touching. I could smell him, so intoxicating. We did not talk; the silence did it for us. I was not alone, I have him. It was perfect, divine, and I felt alive._ **

**_His face leaned towards mine. Our eyes locked into each other, never leaving. I was flying, floating, amidst the blue. Our foreheads touched, our noses pressed. I took one last look at him before closing my eyes, preparing for the final touch, the touch that will unite us both._ **

**_It never came._ **

**_My eyelids fluttered open and I could feel my stomach dropping. He had vanished into thin air and was replaced with another being._ **

**_This is not who I want to see in my paradise._ **

**_This is not the angel who I was with._ **

**_This is the devil._ **

**_He was grinning at me, an ugly and evil grin. He opened his arms wide, prompting me to hug him, to feel him, to embrace him._ **

**_“Son,” the voice came out heavenly, but I knew it was laced with poison._ **

**_I tried to run away. But my legs refused to move. No matter how hard I screamed to myself to move, I couldn’t._ **

**_It was him; he is doing this to me._ **

**_He laughed at my futile attempts before lunging towards me. I felt the pain searing through my legs, up my groin, spreading through my abdomen before hitting my head._ **

**_The last thing I saw was blue. Blue so bright, it blinded my vision._ **

Brown, that’s all I can see. I was surrounded by it. Everywhere I look, it was russet.

I woke up in a sweat. I never had a dream this vivid before. It almost felt real, too real. The meadow, the smell of summer in the air, the beautiful sky, the pain … That’s all I can remember, the piercing pain.

I sat up from my position, placing my feet on the cold wooden floor. The couch was uncomfortable and left me with aches all over my body. There’s only one bed in the cabin so I had to make do with the couch in the living room. I was about to stand up and stretch when I noticed a sticky patch on my jeans, near my crotch.

**_What the fuck?_ **

I am sure that none of my cum landed on my jeans yesterday, how the hell did this happen? Unless …

The dream flashed in my head. Green, pink, orange, red, blue, pain …

**_Blue._ **

I started pacing around the room, trying to ignore the fact that I had a wet dream over him.

Fuck, how did that happened? Why did I feel so exhilarated, so serene, so happy when I was with him on that meadow?

**_Am I … Am I falling in love with him?_ **

Impossible.

I have to do something before all the thinking makes me crazy. I looked around the cabin, trying to find something to do. There must be something …

My eyes landed at the small kitchen that is adjoined to the room. I made my way to the fridge, opened it up and realised that there was no food, only a bottle of beer was left.

Fuck! With all the excitement of a new toy, I forgot to buy food.

I shut the door of the fridge, left the kitchen, grab my car keys and my wallet and was about to go out the front door when I thought I better check on him. I walked to the room and opened the door slightly.

He was sleeping. He looked peaceful and comfortable until I noticed the bruises on his body. Disgusting purple black blotches adorned his body. Teeth marks all over his neck, dried blood trickled down his chest when I broke his skin. I took a few steps closer to him, inspecting closer. I finally noticed the dried blood around his legs, the rawness of his skin around his entrance. It must have hurt him a lot.

I couldn’t help but sigh to myself. He looked so fragile, so broken, so beautiful.

I traced my fingers lightly over his face, embracing his warm skin. I leaned in and gave him a quick peck on his cheek. A harmless kiss.

“I will be back soon,” I whispered to his still sleeping body.

I turned towards the door and did not look back once, afraid of what I will do.

**_You need to control yourself._ **

**_But control myself over what? Control myself to not fall in love with him?_ **

I got in my car and started driving out of the empty forest. I did not want to think again so I turned the radio on and blasted the volume, numbing everything.

I finally arrived at the closest service station. I grabbed a shopping basket and started piling it up with food. I can’t cook, so I got mostly junk food that could easily be tossed into the microwave. I was about to pay for everything when I passed the condom aisle.

I scanned through it and found a row of bottles of lube.

**_Should I?_ **

My hand made the decision for me as I grabbed two bottles of it and placed it in the basket. I finally made my way to the checkout counter.

“Having some fun tonight, are we?” joked the middle aged man who was serving me.

I did not find it funny so I glared at him. He got the message as he quickly scanned the rest of my stuff. He reminded me too much of my father and that made me uneasy. I knew father is far away from me, but I can’t shake the feeling that he is watching me.

“That will be $56.70,” I passed the money to him and he gave me some change. I grabbed the plastic bags and walked back to my car.

On the drive back, I could not stop thinking about what I just did. I bought two bottles of lubricant. I was unsure what the reason behind me buying them. Do I not want to hurt him any further?

**_Hurt him._ **

I can’t.

**_You can._ **

**_You did._ **

The car was silent. The radio was not playing. All I could hear was the voices in my head.

Finally, I reached the cabin. I parked my car, took the food and enter the house. It was silent. Too silent. It was making me jumpy on how empty this cabin is.

I placed the stuff on the kitchen bench and put them away in the drawers and in the fridge. I was about to sit down in the living room when I realised I should probably feed him.

**_Why? Why do you care if he is hungry?_ **

I don’t! I don’t fucking care.

He just needs energy for later, I don’t want him to pass out on me.

**_Don’t lie to yourself._ **

I filled a glass with some water and heat up a box of frozen pizza in the microwave. That should be sufficient for now.

I opened the door to the room and found him still sleeping. I placed the glass and the plate on the bedside table and sat on the bed, right beside him.

“Mark … Mark, wake up,” I gently shook him.

He did not respond so I shook him harder. His eyes remained shut.

“For fuck’s sakes, wake up!” I slapped his face and his eyes flew wide open.

Dread, that’s all I can see.

He squirmed underneath me, trying his best to get far away from me.

“Please … please don’t hurt me …” his raspy voice begged me.

I stared at him as he cowered slightly under my presence.

He is beyond terrified of me. I am a monster to him.

An ugly, brutal monster.

**_What have I become?_ **

“I got you some food and water,” I walked over to the table and picked up the glass and the plate. I willed myself to look at him again, to look into his dead eyes.

“I … I don’t want any…” I could see his eyes devouring the pizza hungrily.

I ignored him and picked up a slice of pizza and placed it on his lips. He kept it close before he could not take it any longer. He nibbled on the edge of the pizza, before taking a big bite out of it. It took him only a minute to inhale the pizza, and I continued to fed him more until he shook his head at me, indicating he is full.

I brought the glass of water to his lips and he did not hesitate this time, gulping the clear liquid down.

I placed the empty glass and plate on the table again. I looked at him and noticed a speck of tomato sauce on his chin, I reached out to wipe it with my finger but he moved backwards, afraid that I will hit him again. I reached out again and promptly wipe the tomato sauce off, before licking it.

“What do you say?” I asked him.

“Th … thank you…” he said to me.

I wasn’t sure, but I think I detected gratefulness in his eyes.

“I will be right back,” I grabbed the glass and the plate and left the room. I placed the dishes in the sink and was about to make my way back to the room when I spotted the bottle of lubricant on the bench. I picked it up and went back to the room.

Time for round two.


	5. Where do we go (life’s temporary)

Mark’s P.O.V.

**_Silence._ **

**_It is everywhere, suffocating me._ **

**_I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I tried to move, but something is holding me back, constricting my hands and legs._ **

**_Where the fuck am I?_ **

**_It was pitch black. I could not see anything in front of me. The darkness was slowly enveloping me, strangling me. I couldn’t shake this uneasy feeling I had that I am not alone in this sinister room._ **

**_Paranoia._ **

**_It is in me, crippling my thoughts._ **

**_Something here is going to kill me._ **

**_I am going to die in this room._ **

**_My breathing was hitched. I could not think straight. I was terrified, terrified of the unknown._ **

**_Suddenly, I felt something in the room moving. I could feel the dark presence slowly making its way towards me, getting closer and closer with each passing second. It suddenly stopped right in front of me, and I could feel its breathing. I could almost smell its scent. Musky, earthy, woody…_ **

**_“Who … who are you?” I was almost too afraid to ask, preferring to be oblivious._ **

**_The minutes went by with no answer from the being in front of me. I could feel it observing me slowly, and felt self-conscious at how vulnerable I am._ **

**_“I am your lover, your nightmare … ” I recognised that voice …_ **

**_Fuck._ **

**_He tore my shirt wide open before sinking his sharp nails on my hipbones, causing a scream to come out. He started digging and clawing, drawing blood out of my body._ **

**_"Please, stop!" he has began to drag his nails up my chest, tearing my skin as he went. I was crying, it was too painful for me to bear._ **

**_"You asked for this," he then reached down my pants. My eyes bulged as I felt his cold hands on my crotch._ **

**_"NO!" it was too late for me. A part of me was taken away, and I was on the verge of passing out._ **

**_“Mark … Mark, wake up,” I hear a distant voice right before everything turned black._ **

“For fuck’s sakes, wake up!” I felt a sharp piercing pain burning the left side of my face.

I opened my eyes and immediately saw who was above me.

My nightmare has just turned into reality.

I squirmed underneath him, refusing to have any body contact with this repulsive man.

“Please … please don’t hurt me …” I begged him. A futile plea.

I could feel his stare burning holes through my naked body and I couldn’t help but recoiled away from him.

He is a monster.

A beautiful, vile monster.

“I got you some food and water,” he walked over to the table beside the bed and picked up something. He sat beside me again and I willed myself to look at him again, to look into his dark eyes.

“I … I don’t want any…” I suddenly saw what he brought me. Pizza and water. I could feel my stomach growling hungrily at the sight of it. My throat was dry and I desperately need water. It took every ounce of what was left of my strength to not grab the pizza and stuff it in my mouth and chug the water down.

But I cannot trust him. I cannot depend on him.

I am so fucking confused. One minute, he is putting me through hell, then the next, he is trying to take care of me?

What the fuck is going on?

He ignored me and placed the pizza on my lips. I tried to resist it, but the temptation was too huge. I timidly nibbled on the edge of the pizza before taking a bite out of it. I practically breathe in the pizza and he continued to hand feed me until I was full. He gave me the glass of water and I swallowed it all down.

I felt slightly better already, my head working better with a full stomach. My body was not as weak as before, though every part of my body still aches.

He placed the empty glass and plate on the table. He observed me for a second before his hand reached out towards me. I panicked, thinking he will hit me again, so I instinctively moved away. He gave me a sad look and I felt for it. He reached out again and promptly wipe something out of the corner of my mouth, before licking it.

“What do you say?” his voice turned gentle.

“Th … thank you…” I thanked him sincerely.

He could have just left me starving, but he didn’t.

**_Why?_ **

“I will be right back,” he grabbed the glass and the plate and left the room.

With some food in my stomach, I could now think better. I took an actual look at the room for the first time since I was imprisoned here. Everything was made out of wood. I noticed two windows beside the bed. It has blinds on them, but I could still see what was outside the room. Lush green trees surround the house. Well, it’s not really a house, more like a log cabin. The only other furniture beside the huge bed I was sitting on was the bedside table and nothing else. A fan hangs on the ceiling, blowing a gentle breeze on my bruised skin.

Am I the first one in this situation, or were there others like me before? I did not want to think about it so I inspected my body. Purple black blotches all over my naked body. Teeth marks on my neck and dried blood trickled down my chest and my legs.

I was a mess.

He finally returned, devoid of the plate and the glass, but he brought something else. My eyes tried to focus on the thing in his hand. It was a small bottle, filled with liquid. He placed it on the table and I finally registered what he brought for me.

A bottle of lubricant.

I started to panic as I realised that it was happening again. But this time, I am prepared. I knew what was going to happen.

It didn’t made the situation less repulsive, or less terrifying, though.

He stood at the side of the bed, with an unreadable look on his face. Probably contemplating whether he should use the lube or not.

**_Please, for God’s sakes, please use the lubricant._ **

He raised his hand up, hesitating for a second before lifting his plain black shirt off, exposing his chest. My eyes wandered all over, taking it in for the first time. I couldn’t help but be amazed at his statuesque body. His skin was pale, which is unusual for somebody who lives in San Diego. His shoulders are narrow, almost feminine-like. His collarbones are very prominent, almost jutting out. His upper left chest area is engraved with beautiful, colourful tattoos that trailed down to his left arm, stopping at his elbow. He is much skinnier that I first perceived him to be, his hipbones precariously threatening to cut his skin open. A trail of hair began from his belly button, continuing to what lies beneath those dark jeans.

He looked starved, depraved, as if he wasn’t taken care of.

Unloved.

He dropped the shirt to the ground before unbuckling the belt around his jeans. He effectively removed it and let it drop. He unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and it quickly fell down to his knees. He stepped out of it before pulling down his white boxers.

I gulped.

The air around me became warmer as I tried to pull myself away from staring at him, but I couldn’t. I was entranced with what was standing in front of me.

He is beautiful. Breathtakingly beautiful.

“I am going to remove the rope on your hands and your legs. If you try to do anything funny, I will kill you,” he threatened me and I could feel the hatred in my ears.

**_Why does he hate me? What did I do to him to deserve this punishment?_ **

I nodded as he began untying the constraints on my limbs. I was too weak to do anything anyway, too pathetic to fight back.

When he finally got rid of the ropes, he roughly pushed me back on the bed. He climbed on top of me, our naked bodies a few inches away. I was so close to his face, I could taste his breath on my tongue. My body stiffened, unsure of his next move.

He suddenly moved abruptly, crashing into my face. I gasped at the suddenness but I was silenced by his tongue down my throat.

**_He is making out with me._ **

He didn’t even give me any chances to think; he just continued dancing in my mouth. My tongue went limp, not knowing what to do in this situation. Will he get angry if I responded, or will he get angry if I don’t? He is so unpredictable, and I do not want to unnecessarily make him get angry at me.

I am under his total control.

I decided not to risk it and let him do whatever he wants to my mouth. His tongue was everywhere, and it was so forceful. Even with a simple kiss, he managed to dominate me. I could feel the cold metal hoop on my skin. His hands were cradling my head harshly, and he was running his fingers through my hair. He tasted like stale beer, and something else I couldn’t quite make out yet. His eyes were shut, and it felt weird having my eyes open, so I promptly shut them.

**_Fireworks._ **

I could see them behind my shut lids.

**_I was kissing him back._ **

He did not get angry. Instead, it made him kissed me harder. He did not give me any breaks, and I was soon gasping for air. Realising my hands were free now, I gently pushed him back and ended the kiss.

**_Shit._ **

**_Shit, I’m in trouble._ **

His face became red and I mentally prepared myself for the evident abuse.

“You know what you are?” he gave me a burning slap against my face. “You are a fucking whore!”

My first instinct was to defend myself. Cover my face with my hands or something. But I knew it will make him angrier and I couldn’t afford that now. I need him to use the lube on me, before he completely breaks me.

“I’m … I’m sorry, T … Tom,” I stuttered my lame apology, saying his name for the first time.

His face changed, taking in what I said.

“Say … say that again.”

“I’m sorry, Tom,” before I could finished, he was back on my lips. He was hungrily nibbling on my lower lip, and I couldn’t repress the moans that escaped me. I kept repeating the sentence again and again while he sucked on my lips, then making his way to my jaw.

“I’m sorr – FUCK!” he found a sensitive spot along my jaw, right below my left ear. He stopped, gave me a triumphant look, before attacking the spot he found. I squirmed, my body twisted with pleasure. I was gripping the bed sheets underneath us, on the edge of completely losing it.

His lips left my jaw and my skin started aching for his touch.

**_I want him._ **

This shouldn’t feel so good. But no one has treated me the way he did.

“Now now, I can’t let you have all the fun, can I Marky?” he hovered above me, implying what I need to do.

I hesitated for a second before pushing myself up, closer to him. Staring at his red and raw lips, I realised I was hungry again.

But this time, I was hungry for  ** _him_.**

I started sucking on his lip ring, tugging it gently. He seems to appreciate it with the small moans coming out of his mouth. I flicked the metal piece with my tongue, before moving on to his lips. I did not dare bite him, afraid of more abuse. Instead, I lightly sucked on his bottom lip. I then moved down towards his jaw, then his neck. He tasted like sweat and musk, and it was intoxicating. I got carried away and started sucking too hard, already leaving a mark on his pale skin.

“Okay, that is enough,” his voice was a low growl, but I ignored him and continued to suck and nibble.

“That is enough!” he roughly pushed me back and I realised I went too far.

“I’m so sorry Tom, I got carried away,” I began apologising, hoping he will give me another chance.

“Oh, just shut the fuck up!” he got off me and reached out to grab something.

The lubricant.

He popped open the cover of the bottle and squirted it out into his palm. He rubbed it all over his penis, which I just noticed was erected by this point. He gave me one last look before spreading my legs apart, entering me in one slick movement.

Opening up yesterday’s wounds.

I yelped at the excruciating pain that is taking over me. My body has not healed from yesterday, and he was rubbing against my bruises. It was not as painful, thanks to the lube, but it did not make the whole experience more pleasant.

I looked up at the ceiling, forcing myself to concentrate on the fan swinging around. I let him use me, hoping the ordeal will be fast. I moved my hands and covered my face, hoping it will hide the shame.

He quickly removed my hands away, forcing me to look at him. He was loudly groaning and moaning, with the pace he set himself. He suddenly grabbed my limp body and leaned my body against him. I was practically sitting on his lap, as he thrust himself inside me. He yanked my head closer, so that our noses touched. All I could do was look into his eyes as he made him his.

“You are fucking useless,” he whispered in between pants. “You are … a nobody. Nobody loves you. Nobody fucking cares about you.”

I shuddered as he verbally abused me, as he degraded me even more.

“The only person who gives a shit about you is me. Nobody wants to fuck your ugly face except for me. You. Should. Be. Fucking. Grateful!” he emphasized each word with a hard shove and when he was done, he finally let go, ending this.

The words began to sink in.

He was right.

Nobody wants me.

No women, or even a man, wants me.

Not even my family.

Should I be grateful that he is paying attention to me, even though how horrid the attention is?

I don’t know.

I don’t want to know.

Everything became hazy. Tears quickly fell down my face. I was no longer ashamed of crying in front of him anymore. He already broke me. I cannot be any more pathetic than this.

He got off the bed, picked up his clothes and walked out of the room. Before he closed the door, he mumbled something that I did not catch. I was too busy crying. 

I looked down at myself and noticed my erection.

I cried harder.


	6. After we’re gone (like new years resolutions)

_  
_Tom’s P.O.V.

**_Running around, not a care in the world._ **

**_The wind in my hair, the worn board under my feet._ **

**_A smile on my face, the innocence intact._ **

**_The smell of summer filled my lungs, the break had high expectations._ **

**_Young and free._ **

**_The front door was in front of me, inviting me home._ **

**_I stepped in, not realising everything changed._ **

**_I sprinted to my room, guitar notes floating in the air._ **

**_It was hours, but it felt like minutes._ **

**_Dinner in my stomach, he is not back home._ **

**_The car drove up our garage, I ignored it._ **

**_Steps on the stairs, I ignored it._ **

**_A door creaked open, I ignored it._ **

**_He stood behind me, I ignored it._ **

**_He slapped my face, my clothes torn away._ **

**_I could no longer ignore it._ **

**_Crawling to a corner, my world crashing around me._ **

**_His breath in my hair, his bare legs under my feet._ **

**_Tears on my face, my innocence stolen._ **

**_The smell of blood filled my lungs, the break had become a nightmare._ **

**_Young and caged._ **

**_They ignored it._ **

**_He ignored it._ **

**_I ignored it._ **

**_I was 12._ **

_~_

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled under my breath as I shut the door behind me, leaving a broken man to himself.

**_What have I fucking done?_ **

I am doing what my father did to me, to this beautiful man who did nothing wrong.

Except for making me fall in love with his face.

I spent all those years bottling up my feelings, my trauma and Mark became the victim, the receiving end of my bullshit.

I did not mean for this.

I did not mean to be a monster.

I am not my father.

Fuck, what was I thinking? Abducting a random guy who bumped into me and treat him like a toy? 

I walked to the living room and crashed into the couch, breaking down as I finally realised what I had done.

Two grown men, crying in the middle of a forest.

How fucking poetic.

~

**_Outcast by everyone, my family and friends._ **

**_Ignored by everybody, afraid to deal the truth._ **

**_Unexplainable bruises on my body, teachers calling home._ **

**_He got angry, I dealt with it._ **

**_Those bruises, I dealt with it._ **

**_That constant aching pain on my back, I dealt with it._ **

**_My fear, hatred, loneliness, I dealt with it._ **

**_It was a recurring nightmare that I cannot escape._ **

**_Not allowed to be close to girls, boys are out of his question._ **

**_I am his, only his._ **

**_His pure angel, cannot be contaminated._ **

**_I was told this is my fault, it is always my fault._ **

**_I need to be disciplined, taught a lesson._ **

**_Only can love one man, ignore the others._ **

**_Depend my life on him, cannot function properly._ **

**_Why didn’t anybody save me?_ **

**_I need to be save._ **

**_This is not home, this is fucking hell._ **

**_This has became normal to me, it shouldn’t be._ **

**_I want to hate this man, but I can’t._ **

**_I am not allowed to._ **

**_I was 16._ **

_~_

The tears finally stopped flowing. I sat there feeling numb, not knowing how to make this situation right. Every single solution that came to my head was immediately shot down.

I need something to distract me. Distract me before I go all crazy.

I noticed the old stereo player perched on a low corner table opposite me. I walked up to it and inspected it closer. There was a layer of thick dust that has collected on it, but other than that, it looks to be in working condition. I ejected the CD player and found an old disc in it. I smiled slightly when I realised what it was. I pushed it back and pressed play, waiting for the music to enter the room.

It was slow, intense, almost agonising.

It calmed me down, like it always had.

**_But it’s too late_ _. One more day like today and I’ll kill you. A desire for flesh and real blood. I’ll watch you drown in the shower. Pushing my life through your open eyes._ **

**_I must fight this sickness_ _. Find a cure. I must fight this sickness._ **

The lyrics stuck my heart.

I am killing him.

I have this stupid desire for his body.

He is drowning, drowning as I pushed into him.

I have a sickness.

This sickness my father gave to me.

But I can’t find the cure.

I’m fucked.

~

**_Seven, the sun threatening to break my heaven._ **

**_Eight, I’m going to fall into his bait._ **

**_Nine, I pretend I’m fine._ **

**_Ten, I try to avoid the man._ **

**_Eleven, he came to teach me a lesson._ **

**_Twelve, he nearly broke the shelve._ **

**_One, I wanted to grab the gun._ **

**_Two, I was forced to blew._ **

**_Three, he locked me in with the key._ **

**_Four, I stare at the door._ **

**_Five, he’s back for seconds; he got a good sex drive._ **

**_Six, I can still taste his lips._ **

**_Seven, there is no such thing as heaven._ **

**_Eight, this is my fate._ **

**_Nine, I washed it down with some wine._ **

**_Ten, I grab the paper and pen._ **

**_Eleven, he is back again._ **

**_Twelve, fuck this all._ **

**_I was 18._ **

_~_

The music finally stopped. All I could hear was the faint forest sounds. Nothing else.

I stood up and decided to check on Mark. I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to behave around him now. He has robbed my capabilities to even think straight. He just had that effect on me.

I opened the door gently, trying not to scare him. I looked inside to see him lying flat down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I was about to close the door when I heard a quiet voice.

“Tom?” his meek voice nearly startled me.

I started walking towards him and sat down on the bed. He sat up and curled his legs, wrapping his arms around it protectively.

“Yes, Mark?” I resisted the temptation to stroke his cheek, to touch him and feel his warmness. 

“Were you playing the Cure?” his question caught me off guard. I expected insults, pleas, anything else besides this.

“Errrrrrrr … yes?” it came out more like a question.

He nodded then went back to his thoughts. I couldn’t help but noticed the bruises and marks on his body, deforming his beautiful gift. I wanted to punch myself in the face.

I am the cause of this.

I have to fix it, somehow.

“Mark, follow me,” I grabbed his hand and guided him out of the bed. He could barely stand up without falling over so I leaned his body on mine.

“What … where?” 

I dragged him out of the room. We passed the living room, the kitchen and the small dining area. I could see him inspecting the cabin, probably noting how it is in bad condition. We got to a door and I opened it, revealing the bathroom. It was cold and small, but it will do.

“What … what are you doing?” I ignored him again and switched the knobs of the shower and let the water fall. I adjusted the temperature of it, making sure that it was nice and warm, before pushing him inside it.

“Clean yourself up. I will be waiting outside,” I could have easily stayed and watched him, but I wanted to give him some privacy. He has nowhere to run anyway, so I am not worried about that. It’s the least I can do now.

I started walking around the house, trying to find a fucking towel in this place. Once I managed to find one, I thought a fresh change of clothes will be good too. I grabbed an old shirt and shorts that belonged to me. I also found a pair of boxers that he could use.

I waited for him patiently outside the bathroom, thinking to myself.

**_You are fucking weak. You only had him for two days and you are already breaking down like the fucking pussy you are. Weak weak weak weak …_ **

Shut the fuck up!

**_Fucking falling in love with him? Jesus, your father must be proud._ **

FUCK OFF!

Everything stood still. There were no sounds coming from the bathroom, from everywhere. Just heavy breathing emitting from me. I looked up. My fist was touching the wall. I removed my hand and observed the damage. I had punched the wall so hard, my fist has started bleeding slightly and there was a dent on the wall. I could not even feel the pain. I was still clouded over the turmoil going through my head.

I noticed the towel and the clothes on my other hand and remembered Mark. Opening the door, I found him standing there, looking terrified.

“I … I’m sorry. Here’s a towel and some clothes,” I threw it at him. He looked at it strangely, probably wondering why I was being so nice to him. I left him to get ready while I tried to clean up my fist. I turned the kitchen tap on and placed it under the running water. I winced slightly at the sting.

I heard steps coming from behind me. I turned around to face Mark, with a worried look plastered on his face.

**_Wow_.**

He looked stunning. His wet hair hung over his eyes, the clothes fitting him perfectly. His blue eyes were clearer and sharper, almost cutting through me. There were still bruises on his body, but at least the clothes cover some of it up.

“Are you okay?” he pointed at my fist.

“Huh?”  ** _why does he care?_**  “Oh … ummm … I’m fine.”

Wait, is he being concerned for me? What for? I fucking ruined his life, violated his body, degraded his mental being.

I don’t deserve this concern bullshit.

A part of me wanted to beat him up again, force myself into him so that he learnt that I don’t deserve sympathy. I am a monster. He should hate me.

But the other part of me wanted to hold him, confide in him, make him fall in love with me too.

We stood there awkwardly, unsure of each other’s next moves.

“You can’t run away, you know?” I broke the silence.

“I know …” he looked down at the wooden floor.

"Come," I grabbed his hand again. It was calloused and rough, but I love the feel of his touch. It was comforting.

We walked back to the living room and I could see him looking at the stereo player. I made him sit down on the uncomfortable couch and started playing the disc again. I sat down beside him, ensuring there’s a good distance between us.

"The Cure is one of my favourite band," he told me hesitantly.

 I looked at him surprised. He wanted to start a conversation with me. After everything I put him through, he wants to talk to me. To me!

**_This is your chance Thomas, don’t fuck it up._ **

_~_

**_My whole life revolved around you._ **

**_I spent every day trying to please you._ **

**_Made myself better for you._ **

**_Screamed better for you._ **

**_Pleasured you better for you._ **

**_One day, it was not enough._ **

**_You left me._ **

**_You left me to fend myself._ **

**_I do not know how to live my life without you._ **

**_You gave me direction._ **

**_You gave me purpose._ **

**_I hate you._ **

**_I despise you._ **

**_I loved you._ **

**_Ten years._ **

**_It took you ten years to be done with me._ **

**_I am 22._ **


	7. Why is this hard (do you recognize me)

Mark’s P.O.V.

**_Opaque._ **

**_Everything was solid._ **

**_Everything had rules._ **

**_You must do this, you must do that._ **

**_No. Stop. You can’t do that._ **

**_Why?_ **

**_Why was the question._ **

**_But never a clear answer._ **

**_Translucent._ **

**_Everything was hazy._ **

**_Everything has an intricate connection with each other._ **

**_You must achieve this to be good in life, to be happy._ **

**_No. Stop. You must listen._ **

**_Why?_ **

**_Why was the question._ **

**_But never a clear answer._ **

**_Transparent._ **

**_Everything was obvious._ **

**_Everything was see-through._ **

**_You are going to be great, if you do what you’re told._ **

**_No. Stop. This is best for you._ **

**_Why?_ **

**_Why was the question._ **

**_But never a goddamn fucking answer._ **

~

Everything became still for a moment. Then, something really familiar began playing, coming from outside the room.

**_A hand in my mouth_ _, a life spills into the flowers. We all look so perfect as we all fall down in an electric glare …_ **

I couldn’t breathe.

He is playing The Cure.

He is playing  ** _my_  **music.

Nobody plays  _ **my**  _music.

**_Nobody._ **

And as the song filled the room, I could feel a weight being lifted from my body.

Suddenly, everything is not as bad as it seems.

Suddenly, things are okay.

~

**_Picture perfect family._ **

**_Must keep this image, cannot tarnish it._ **

**_Father; a good and honest man, hard working, cares for his family._ **

**_Mother; a kind and gentle woman, lovable, holds the family together._ **

**_Daughter; a bright and talented young woman, funny, makes the family proud._ **

**_Son; a lazy and useless young man, dreamer, the disgrace of the family._ **

**_Won’t amount to anything._ **

**_Dreamer, that was all the son was._ **

**_Dream all day that he could make it big in a band._ **

**_Dream all day, that was what he does._ **

**_But never work._ **

**_Never think._ **

**_Never will._ **

~

The music stopped playing. I was lying on the bed, thinking about what had happened.

He just played a song from my favourite band.

It shouldn’t mean this much, but music is a big deal to me.

Music is everything to me.

The ceiling fan goes round and round, just like my muddled thoughts. The cool breeze soothed my aching skin, and I am grateful that he let me uses the fan.

**_Grateful?_ **

Why do I feel so thankful? He has absolute control over me, already breaking me into pieces and yet, I feel so appreciative that he let the fan on, that he played my music.

That he let me breathe.

I hear the sound of the door opening. I looked up and saw him standing outside the door, about to shut it.

 “Tom?” I called for him.

He walked towards me and sat down on the bed. I sat up and stared into his face. He looked like he had been crying, his dark and hollow eyes all puffy and red. His nose was red too, and I heard him sniffling once or twice.

**_Why had he been crying?_ **

The question kept playing over and over in my head. He looked miserable, and I felt sorry for him.

**_Sorry._ **

For a guy who kidnapped me.

“Yes, Mark?”

“Were you playing the Cure?” of course he was. But I needed confirmation.

“Errrrrrrr … yes?”

I nodded then went back to thinking.

**_Does he like The Cure?_ **

**_What other bands does he listen to?_ **

**_Does he play a musical instrument?_ **

**_Does he want to start a band?_ **

**_Does he want to rip my throat off and eat my heart?_ **

“Mark, follow me,” he suddenly said, breaking my train of thought. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the bed. My whole body began hurting again and I nearly shouted out in pain. I could feel myself falling over until Tom leaned my body on his, supporting me.

Protecting me.

“What … where?” my question remain unanswered as we walked out of the room. I looked at the cabin for the first time, observing the different rooms. It looked slightly worn down and dilapidated, unloved.

Just like Tom.

Just like me.

We got to a door and he opened it, revealing a small bathroom.

“What … what are you doing?” ignoring me again, Tom fumbled with the knobs of the shower before pushing me inside.

“Clean yourself up. I will be waiting outside,” he huffily told me before closing the door, giving me privacy for the first time.

I looked at the door in disbelief, the warm water slowly washing the grime away.

He doesn’t need to give me a shower, but he did.

He doesn’t need to care, but he does.

As I looked down, I observed the bruises and marks on my body. That he created.

I don’t know whether I should hate him anymore.

~

**_Stop wearing eye liner to school, maybe you won’t get bullied._ **

**_Start doing your school work, maybe you can achieve something._ **

**_Stop being rude to your teachers, maybe you won’t get sent home._ **

**_Start dressing and acting normally, maybe you get a girlfriend._ **

**_Stop picking bad friends, maybe you won’t get punished._ **

**_Start listening to us, maybe you can be productive to this society._ **

**_Stop playing with your bass, maybe you go to college._ **

**_Start playing some sports, maybe you can be accepted._ **

**_Stop being you, maybe people will like you._ **

**_Why can’t you be like us?_ **

**_Why can’t you be perfect?_ **

**_Perfect Mark, that is what they will call you._ **

**_Perfect Mark._ **

**_Don’t you want that?_ **

~

I was nearly over showering myself when I heard a loud bang coming from outside. The door opened and I saw Tom with a bloody fist.

My first instinct was to run. A bloodied fist is never a good idea. Then I saw his face, his eyes.  He was completely consumed with anger and hatred that I could barely move. If I do, he would snap. He would kill me right now.

Then, his face relaxed. He had an apologetic look on his face, though I don’t know why for.

 “I … I’m sorry. Here’s a towel and some clothes,” he threw something at me. It was a soft towel, a shirt, a pair of shorts and a pair of boxers. I stared at them in disbelief, then looked at Tom bewilderedly.

**_Why?_ **

He left me alone while I dried my body off, careful to not rub over my bruises. I put the clothes on and found it to be a perfect fit. It must be Tom’s clothes, and somehow, wearing his clothes makes me feel safe. I waited for him to come back and tell me what to do next, but decided to take a risk and step out and find him. He was in the cramped kitchen, washing his fist. He turned around and I noticed how pale he looked.

“Are you okay?” I pointed at his still red fist.

“Huh? Oh … ummm … I’m fine.”

Silence as I waited for his next move.

“You can’t run away, you know?”

“I know …” I looked down, already accepting my faith that he have complete control over me.

My life depends on him now. If I make him happy, he will try to make it comfortable for me. That will explain the lubricant and the shower.

But if I were to make him mad … I don’t even want to think what he could do to me.

“Come,” he pulled me to a room, which I presumed is the main living area. His hand was calloused and rough, and I wonder whether he plays. The dusty stereo player at a corner caught my attention as I sat down on a rather uncomfortable couch. Tom walked up to the player and replayed the disc again. He sat down beside me, a huge distance between us.

When the first song ended, I felt the need to say something to him. Anything.

“The Cure is one of my favourite band,” I told him hesitantly.

He gave me a surprised look, his eyebrows shot up.

“They’re one of my favourite band too … “ he paused, quickly looking down.

**_Was he getting shy in front of me?_ **

“What … what other bands do you listen to?” he continued.

I looked at him surprised. He wanted to start a conversation with me about the only thing I had ever really cared about in my life.

**_This is your chance Markus, don’t fuck it up._ **

~

**_Do you see that boy?_ **

**_That boy with dark hair, nearly black._ **

**_The boy with the sapphire eyes._ **

**_The boy with black nail polish on his nails,_ **

**_And eye liner smudged underneath his eyes._ **

**_Do you see that boy?_ **

**_That boy who have a crude sense of humour._ **

**_The boy who spends his time in the skate park._ **

**_The boy who loves to play the bass,_ **

**_And have blisters on his fingers._ **

**_Do you see that boy?_ **

**_That boy who nobody loves._ **

**_The boy who nobody understands._ **

**_The boy who just need someone,_ **

**_And need someone to need him._ **

**_Do you see that boy?_ **

**_Cause no one does._ **

~

It felt like minutes, but I knew it must be hours before the both of us ran out of anything to say. It started from exchanging bands we listened to, to our love for skating and Mexican food and then to anything we could think up of. But nothing personal. He spoke quietly, with a hint of excitement in his voice. His eyes never left mine until our conversation ended. He is now staring at the ceiling, deep in thought while I stole glances at him from time to time.

He looks tired.

**_No._ **

He looks  ** _dead_.**  Barely living.

It was dark outside, and my body was getting tired. I was getting hungry too, and my stomach growled to prove it.

“Are you hungry?” he asked me, his eyes met mine again.

I nodded slowly. He stood up and grasped my hand, our fingers intertwined with each other. I don’t know why he felt the need to hold my hand every time, but it was comfortable. I loved how he held my hand so gently. It’s a nice change with how he treated me for the past few days.

That sort of clicked something in my head. How long have I been here?

“Tom, how long have I been here?” I asked him while he pulled me into the kitchen. He suddenly stopped walking and looked at me intensely. I immediately regretted voicing that question out. I was waiting for the hit. A shout, a slap or maybe he will rape me again. I have learned to expect anything from this volatile man.

“For your own good, don’t ask me that question ever again,” a hint of anger tinged his voice and I nodded, my eyes fell to the wooden floor under me. Of course, he did not want me to know how long he is going to keep me here. “Let’s have some food, okay?”

I looked up and gave him a smile, the first one I had ever since I arrived here. I couldn’t help it; he was being so nice to me. He frowned slightly at me, before lopsidedly smiling back at me.

**_Dear god, that smile …_ **

He let go off my hand and I craved for his touch again, the one that made my knees trembled slightly. He rustled through some plastic bags, finding two microwavable meals and popped one in an old machine.

“Sorry for this shitty excuse of food,” he pointed at the rotating meal. “I can’t cook, and I don’t really want to kill you with my cooking.”

He started giggling to himself, and I laughed too. His laugh sounded like music to my ears, melodic and beautiful. When he stopped laughing, he began staring at me. I suddenly felt self-conscious, as always when people look at me.

**_God, I am ugly. He is looking at all my flaws and thinking how atrocious I look. Fuck, why can’t I be more attractive? He is now judging my hair, and my face, and my fucking ugly body…_ **

The microwave ping, and I was glad since Tom stopped staring at me. He took it out and put the other one in, then continued staring at me.

**_Now he is picking out every single one of my ugly feature. Fuck, please look away! Don’t look at me! Stop!_ **

“Does it still hurt?” his voice stopped me from going paranoid, with all my insecurities playing in my head.

“What?”

“Does your body still hurt? You know … from me?” he sounded like he regretted it, but who knows what he thinks?

“Yeah … Just a bit though,” I underplayed my pain, not wanting to upset him any further.

Tom started walking, until he was inches away from me. His finger began tracing lightly on my jaw, and he brought it down to my neck. It was sending shivers down my spine, until he ran over a bruise and I cringed slightly. His hand dropped, concern written all over his face.

“Does that hurt?”

I nodded.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay …”

He began staring at my mouth, suddenly biting his lips. His lip ring caught my attention, and I thought how nice it will be to have that pressed up against my face.

**_Fuck, kiss me now please …_ **

Everything sort of stood still, the dust in the room stopped dancing and we both stopped moving. All I could see was dark chocolate eyes, that makes me melt the longer I stare into it. Until I heard a distant pinging noise, making everything moved faster as Tom pulled away from me. I internally groaned at the interruption.

I was so close.

I need it.

I have been lonely for so long.

I just need the contact.

I need him.

“Dinner is ready,” Tom said with a sly grin on his face, noticing my disappointment.

Evil bastard.

~

**_You were supposed to support me._ **

**_You were supposed to help me._ **

**_You were supposed to realise that I will never be the same as everyone else._ **

**_And it is okay._ **

**_You were supposed to realise that I hated everything._ **

**_I hated my life, my friends, my teachers, my school, my town._ **

**_I hated you._ **

**_You were supposed to realise that I was sad._ **

**_Sad and angry._ **

**_Lonely and cold._ **

**_You were supposed to love me._ **

**_But you never did._ **

**_And now, at 25, I only got two words I can tell you._ **

**_Fuck._ **

**_You._ **


	8. I know I’m wrong (but I can’t help believing)

Tom’s P.O.V.

“Is the food okay?” I couldn’t help fussing over Mark. I suddenly grew this sudden urge to make him feel as comfortable as possible.

He just nodded, his mouth stuffed with the poor quality food I gave him. He inhaled the food within five minutes while I continued playing with mine. I lost all of my appetite; too busy concentrating on his eyes, his expressions, his calm and deep breathing.

Once he was done, he placed the utensils down and gave me a small content smile.

So. Fucking. Beautiful.

“Do you want mine?” he looked like he needed it more than me. Plus, I would do anything to make him smile again.

“Are you sure?” he turned shy, which was adorable.

“Yeah. I’m not hungry anyway,” I pushed the tray towards him. His fingers quickly pulled the tray in and he began eating again.

While he ate, I continued staring at him. I didn’t bother hiding it, and he was fully aware of what I was doing. I just couldn’t help but stared at him. Gazed and gawked and gaped.

When he finally stopped eating, he gave me another smile. But this time, it was wider.

I smiled back, my facial muscles twitching in the opposite of the usual direction. We sat there, smiling at each other like the foolish idiots we are.

I snapped out of my trance and hurriedly picked up the trays. I walked over to the kitchen and chucked them in an empty plastic bag. I realised that I did not serve Mark any drink so I walked over to the fridge and took out two bottles of beer. Opening them up with the bottle opener I left on the kitchen bench, I walked back to Mark who was patiently waiting for me.

I stopped right behind him, admiring the curve of his neck. Smooth and elegant, his neck was perfect too. He turned around in his seat and looked up at me, his huge eyes were trying to find an answer. I responded by grabbing his hand and pulling him up, walking back to the couch.

Once we were seated, I gave him the beer. He took it gingerly before chugging it down.

I smiled at him again, something I had been doing quite often today. When the bottle finally left his lips, he faced me and I realised how physically close we were to each other. I could literally lean in right now, and just …

“Thank you,” his quiet, but determine words stopped me from what I was about to do.

I did not know what he wanted to thank for, but I just nodded my head. I was too busy staring at his chapped, thin lips.

He looked away, breaking the tension between us. I gulped dryly and took a sip out of my beer.

**_Was it just me, or was it warm in here?_ **

“Do you want anything else?” I asked once he was done with his drink.

He faced me again, our eyes finally met.

The colour of electric is blue.

Bright, baby blue. Sky blue that make you squint your eyes when you stare too long at it.

“I don’t know … Can I smoke a cigarette?”

“You smoke?” my eyebrows shot up at the subject of the disgusting habit.

“Yeah … I have some in my jeans that I was wearing.”

“Wait here.”

I took the empty beer bottle from his hands and went to the kitchen, throwing it away. His clothes were lazily thrown inside a bag that was beside the sink. I took his jeans out, searching the pockets for his cigarettes. I found a packet of them and a lighter too. Walking back to Mark, I found him staring at the ceiling, lost again in his own thoughts.

“Here you go,” I sat down beside him and passed him the cigarettes and the lighter.

“Thanks,” he flicked one out, putting it on his lips, before lighting it up. He blew out some smoke, sighing deeply.

“That’s gonna kill you, you know?”

“I know,” he continued puffing while I watched him. I watched his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he inhaled that poisonous gas, his lips jutting out as he balanced the cigarette in between, his jaw clenching as soon as the cigarette touched his mouth, and relaxing as soon as it leaved him.  

**_Fuck, he could even make smoking look sexy._ **

Silence enveloped us like the smoke that was blowing out of Mark’s mouth. Silence as he smoked. Silence as I watched him do so.

Like a predator stalking its beautiful, inviting prey.

The ashes were littering the floor beneath us, but I didn’t care. When the cigarette was nearly done, he inhaled deeply for the last time before butting it out on the cigarette case.

He turned around and faced me, his lips begging for more.

The colour of smoke is pink.

Soft, pale pink. Salmon pink that makes you want to eat it hungrily.

We were so fucking close, our faces just inches away. I narrowed the gap between us, our noses now touching each other. His breathing was heavy and deep, his blue orbs threatening to shut. I was too scared to inhale as my nose finally stroked the delicate skin beside his nose. It was a matter of time now, and I let the darkness blind me.

**_Come on, I fucking need this …_ **

Everything became way too bright all at once. Even though my eyes were closed, I could see everything. I could feel everything.

I could taste everything.

One of my hands made its way to his face, cupping his head, bringing him closer. Another one was lost in his hair, pulling him in. Our lips were clumsy at first, not knowing what to do with each other. But finally, we found our pace, we found our rhythm.

We found each other.

I was enjoying it way too much. This was my first proper kiss, after all.

**_Fuck, I am pathetic._ **

But shit, it was fucking amazing. All I could taste was passion and lust. It was fucking addictive. His taste, his breath on my face, his soft skin on mine. His hands were around my waist, and I did not want them to leave.

But I wanted more, I wanted to taste him. Taste all of him. Take in everything he could offer to me.

**_Fuck, I need more._ **

I probed my tongue into his closed lips, demanding entrance. For a second, I thought he denied me and I was getting angry. But he let me in.

He let me in.

Hot and wet.

Wet and hot.

He was searing my inside, yet cooling it.

I desperately explored his mouth, taking in everything. The heavy taste of cigarettes with a slight hint of beer was intoxicating. I could not get enough of it. The warm tongue that was lapping my mouth, making everything went haywire as we fought for dominance, which turned to a stalemate. I could barely deal with all these feelings going through my body, like the throbs of an orgasm that kept on coming and coming.

The feeling of pure, unadulterated need for someone.

Before long, we had to stop. We had to breathe. And when we did, we were both panting like we just had sex.

**_Fuck that, this was even better than sex._ **

“Wow …” he finally muttered once he regained his breath.

I could not agree more. That was fucking mind blowing.

Wait, what the fuck am I doing?

**_No, stop Tom, stop!_ **

**_You can’t fall in love with him, you can’t!_ **

**_Stop being fucking weak!_ **

“I think it’s time for you to go to bed,” my tone became serious as I finally regained my senses.

I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have fucking kissed him. Now that I know how good it felt, how was I supposed to stop craving for it, to stop yearning it?

He looked at me in disbelief but I stood my ground. I stood up and yanked him harshly. I dragged him across the room until we reached the bedroom. I burst the door open and threw him inside.

“Don’t try to fucking run away,” my threat was useless. He can’t run away.

He looked confused, nearly on the verge of tears as I proceeded to shut the door.

“Please Tom, don’t leave me alone!” he shouted at me, begging me to not close the door.

It worked; the door was nearly at its destination as I stopped. I pushed the door forward so I could look at him. There were already tears spilling down his face, and I felt guilty as fuck.

**_How many times must I make him cry?_ **

“Please … I don’t want to be alone … “ he continued sobbing as he crashed into the bed, his hands covering his face.

I couldn’t stand there anymore. I walked in, closing the door behind me. I made my way to his side, wondering what I should do to comfort him.

“I don’t want to be alone … “ his muffled voice came from behind his hands.

“Shhhh … You won’t be, okay? I am here, Mark. I am here … “ I wrapped my arms around his crouched figure, protecting him, comforting him. I did not want to let go as I held him even tighter.

“You will leave me like the others. They always do …”

“I promise I won’t,” I told him, convincing myself that I could keep that promise.

His hands finally left his face as he looked at me. His eyes were red and puffy and it lost the spark I saw just moments ago.

“You promise?” he looked at me expectedly, as if his whole world will crash if I said no.

“Yes. I promise,” with that answer, Mark buried his head in my shoulder and continued to sob. I let him be as I continued holding him, rubbing soothing circles behind his back and sometimes running my fingers through his hair. His arms were around my waist, clinging on to me, afraid to let go. I kissed him on the forehead several times, hoping that he will soon stop crying, soon stop feeling pain, and soon stop feeling alone.

I did not know how long it took for him to finally calm down. When he did, he looked up at me, his vulnerable stature making me feel responsible.

“Go to sleep, okay?” as soon as the request left my lips, his eyes widen with fear.

“I don’t want to sleep alone! Please Tom, please?”

I sighed as I nodded. How was I supposed to leave him in a state like this, considering that I caused him to behave this way?

I carried him up, barely strong enough to support his weight. I walked to the side of the bed and as gently as possible, placed him down. I walked towards the door, wanting to switch off the light in the room and switch on the fan. Mark quickly sat up and was about to protest when blackness surrounded us.

“Tom?” he called out for me, probably thinking I was going to leave him alone.

**_No, never._ **

“I’m here,” I scurried to the other side of the bed, grateful I did not bump into anything as I began removing my clothes, leaving just my boxers on. I got under the thin sheets, fully aware how close Mark and I were to each other. I could feel the warmth radiating out of his skin and I was desperate to touch him again.

I could not fight it as I draped my arm around him, just wanting to feel him one way or another. To remind myself that this was not a dream, he was not a dream.

“Goodnight Mark,” I whispered at him.

“Goodnight Tom,” his voice gave me another round of shivers.

Eventually, his breathing became regular, and not hitched as it was before. He finally fell to sleep, away from the nightmares of the world.

And as my vision blacked out, I entered the nightmares of my subconscious.

**_Weak little Thomas, in love with his prey. It only took him two days to break away._ **


	9. I’m so lost

Mark’s P.O.V.

I was woken up abruptly to something thrashing on the bed. As my eyes began adjusting, I realised that it was Tom. His eyes were still shut, and there were tears flowing down his pale face. His arms and legs were shaking uncontrollably while he kept yelling out into the darkness.

“Father! Stop! Please!” his urgent pleas plunged a knife through my heart.

I have never heard someone this frightened in my life.

I realised I got to help him, put an end to his misery. I tried to shake his shoulders, but that didn’t work. One of his hands nearly threw a punch at my face. I sat up and straddled him, pinning his arms on the bed. ­­He finally woke up from his nightmare and his eyes had never looked so vulnerable.

“What are you doing?! Get off me!” he commanded me.

Any normal human would have listened to him. But I needed to comfort him. I leaned forward and started placing hasty kisses on his hair and his forehead. He resisted as first, trying to get away from my strong grip. Eventually, he calmed down, his breathing coming back to normal. I released my hands from his arms and got off him.

“Are you okay?” he turned around and faced me, and that was all it took for me. His eyes were red from all the crying, and it felt like he could break down at any moment now.

He shook his head slowly and I immediately crawled closer to him, bringing him into my arms and holding him as close as I could. He continued sniffling into my chest while I tried to soothe him by rubbing his back. We stayed in that position for what felt like hours as light began to filter through the room, indicating a new day.

I thought he had fallen asleep, so I tried to pull him away from me so I could lay him on the bed. Instead, his head immediately shot up.

“Mark, what are you doing?” his mouth was quivering slightly as he spoke.

“Errr, I thought you were asleep.”

“Just hold me … Please?”

How am I supposed to deny him?

“Okay …” he weakly smiled at my answer before placing his head back on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. One of my hands continued rubbing his back while Tom began fiddling with my other hand, tracing his fingers gently on my hand and intertwining his fingers with my own.

It was strange, the both of us laying there, as if the events of the past few days were just a dream. It almost looked … and felt normal. Like two young men who needed each other or else they will fall apart. It did not look, or felt, for a second that Tom was holding me in captive. Not by how his head was pressed against my chest, or by how tenderly he is caressing my palm.

My stomach growled, interrupting our serene silence.

“You want some food?” Tom barely lifted his head up to ask me, tracing the length of my arm now.

“Yeah …”

“Let’s go,” he slowly crawled out of the bed and I followed him. As he walked out of the room and into the kitchen, rustling some bags to find some food for us to eat, I couldn’t help but stared at his topless body. His boxers were hung low on his waist, the fabric barely clinging onto his body, teasing me endlessly.

“Fuck, there’s no more food left,” Tom turned around, with an apologetic look on his face. “I have to go out and get some more.”

“Are you going to leave me here?” I felt my heart sinking as I thought of being in this empty cabin by myself.

“I have to. Don’t want you to be getting any idea of where you are, do we?” he began walking towards the small bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower first. Don’t you run away from me.”

He disappeared from my sight, and I could hear the shower being turned on. I sighed heavily to myself as I started pacing around the living room. I spotted the old CD player and played the music softly, so that it won’t be silent.

I hate this silence.

I began thinking to myself. How far will be the nearest shop to this place? Half an hour, at least. And he still needs to drive back. So that will give me at least an hour to myself. That will give me plenty time to attempt to escape.

**_Do I even want to?_ **

The possibility that he will catch me in the act is quite high, considering I have no idea the way around the woods that surround me. And if he does catch me, I can’t even fathom what he will do to me. He will be so fucking pissed.

**_Do I want to risk it?_ **

**_Do I want to leave him?_ **

Tom reappeared in front of me, wearing fresh new clothes that are getting wet from his damp hair.

“I’m going now. I believe that you will behave while I’m gone?” he looked at me expectantly. I nodded, of course. Like as if I have a freaking choice. “Good. And maybe you will get a treat when I get back.”

He stood there awkwardly, looking like he is contemplating doing something. I began feeling scared of what he will do to me now.

“Just …” he took a step towards me, lifting my head up with his fingers and bringing his lips to my ear, his warm breath tickling my skin and his voice dropping to a whisper. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

I closed my eyes and nodded. I could feel him hesitating some more, before I felt his warm lips on the side of my cheek, giving me a goodbye kiss. As fast as lightning, he was gone.

I could not wipe that stupid grin out of my face that stayed there till he came back home.

~

“This is fucking delicious Tom. Thank you!” I wiped my mouth with a napkin, full from the burritos that Tom bought for me.

He smiled at me, pleased with my response, I guess. He quickly cleaned up the mess I made, while I waited for him.

“Hey Mark, I found something while I was driving,” he quickly ran outside, suddenly excited at what he found. A minute later, he ran back in with two guitars.

“Wow! Give it to me!” I started begging him like a child. He passed one of them to me.

I inspected the beautiful instrument I have in my hand. I could tell that it is old, and probably need new strings, but I love it already. I strummed it once, realising that it was out of tune, and instinctively tuning it.

“I found them on a pavement. They’re a bit shitty but like whatever, free guitars …” Tom mumbled to himself as he, too, began tuning the guitar.

After a few minutes of monotonous tuning, Tom and I began playing random songs. There was a huge smile on my face, and I could tell Tom was trying to hide his. This was the most fun I had in ages, just jamming out with someone. Someone who actually understand my passion and my love for music. Someone like Tom …

We went on for hours, chatting from time to time about the guitars and the music we’re playing. Tom was actually pretty good. I wasn’t too great on the guitar, preferring the bass, but I take what I get. Suddenly, Tom stopped playing and placed the guitar down, staring intently at me. I put the guitar down too, trying to figure out what’s going on. After the first few minutes, I couldn’t hold it back.

“Is something wrong?”

He ignored my question.

“Tom, what’s wrong?” I started to panic. He was scaring me, like the fucking pussy I am.

“Tom, answer me!” I shouted at him, hoping I could shake him out of his daydream. It worked, as Tom’s eyes snapped and he stopped focusing his look on me.

“Sorry … Just, I … I … nevermind,” he stood up and walked away from me, leaving me confused.

It’s like the both of us are in the same room, but there is a wall that is separating us both.

I started rubbing my tired face and looked outside. It should be around late afternoon by now. I decided to find Tom and asked him what the fuck just happened.

I found him at the kitchen, staring outside through the small window over the sink. I tapped him on the shoulder carefully, afraid to set him off.

“Tom, are you okay?”

He responded by clashing his lips with mine, stealing every ounce of air from my lungs.


	10. I’m barely here

Tom’s P.O.V.

My body took over me. Within a few short seconds, I had pinned Mark against a wall, hungrily kissing his lips. I don’t even know what the hell I was doing. I just finally succumbed to the feeling I had ever since he held me this morning.

My hands were all over him, tugging the soft fabric of my shirt that he was wearing and slipping my hands underneath to caress his skin. I smiled slightly at the thought of Mark wearing my clothes. It feels like … he is mine.

“You are mine,” I whispered huskily into Mark’s ears and he nodded in response, letting out a quiet moan.

We went back to attacking each other’s lips when I felt his hands creeping on my back, lingering slightly before taking the chance of grabbing my hips and bringing me closer to him.

**_Fuck, does he even know what he is doing to me?_ **

Our bodies were pressed up against each other, not an inch between us. I felt hot and flustered, and realised there was not enough skin contact.

“Too much clothes,” I broke our kiss so I could remove his clothing. I threw his shirt behind me and clumsily fumble with his shorts. While I tried to unzip his shorts, Mark hitched up the shirt that I was wearing and remove it. I finally managed to remove his shorts and went back to making out.

Mark was letting out small moans every now and then and by the way something hard was poking on my thigh, I knew he was excited too. That he wanted this as much as I do. And that makes the situation less appalling, I guess. I was grabbing his ass and decided enough is enough. I need this now.

 ** _We_**  need this now.

I put my hands around his legs and lifted him up. He straddled my hips as we made our way to the bedroom. Once we reached the bed, I laid him on it and climbed over him, never once leaving those lips.

“I’m gonna fuck you and you’re going to cum so hard, you will be seeing stars,” I said to him while getting rid of his boxers, revealing his half hard boner.

I went back to kissing him again while I began pumping his dick really slowly, teasing him at first.

“Oh fuck,” Mark moaned. “Please don’t stop Tom.”

I like the way he said my name in that low sexy voice of his, so I decided to fasten up my pace to hear it some more.

“Fuck Tom, shit Tom, don’t stop …” I smiled at him, taking in the faces that he was making, contorted with pleasure. He is under my control, and he is all mine.

“Mine …” I said under my breath as I crawled down to meet his dick, fully hard now. I could see Mark looking down at me, wondering what I was going to do to him.

“All mine,” I started licking the tip of his dick, lightly tracing the curve of it. I could feel his body shivered under me, his breathing just got louder and heavier.

“Shit, shit, shit, Tom fuck, fuck …” he continued saying my name as I fully enclosed my lips around his dick, swirling it with my tongue. After a few minutes, I could tell he was getting close so I stopped.

“Tom, fuck, don’t stop!” he whimpered as I crawled back to him.

“Good things come to those who wait,” I told him as I lightly kissed his forehead, trying to grab the lubricant on the side of the bed.

His eyes widen once he saw what I had in my hands, his face now full of fear.

“Please Tom, not this again,” he looked like he was on the verge of tears, and my heart sunk to the ground.

“I promise I won’t hurt you, okay?” I touched his face, trying to comfort him. His look did not falter so I kissed him passionately on the lips. “If I do, you tell me. You must trust me.”

He gave me one last look, sighed deeply, and nodded once.

I crawled down again and squirted the cold liquid on my fingers.

“I’m just stretching you now so it won’t hurt, okay?”

“Just do it.”

I inserted one of my fingers in his entrance and wiggled it around. Mark became tense, so I continued the blow job I was giving him just now. That made him more relaxed, so I felt more confident to put in more and more fingers.

Once I felt he was stretched enough, I quickly remove my own shorts to reveal my hard on. I squirted a large amount of lube on my penis, and positioned myself against him.

“I’m going in. Are you okay?” he nodded. I bite my lips, feeling the coldness of my piercing. I began caressing Mark’s hip bones and slowly entered him, stopping halfway so that he could have time to adjust.

“You okay?” I noticed his face of discomfort and I began worrying.

“It hurts Tom,” he chocked.

“It will be fine soon, okay?” I attempted smiling at him, and he gave me a smile in return, nearly stopping my heart. “Can I continue?”

He nodded, so I slowly pushed everything in. I stopped moving and started kissing him, as I saw some tears escaping his eyes.

“It will feel good in a moment, okay?”

“Don’t stop kissing me Tom,” I followed his command as I placed kisses all over his jaw line, his neck and his chest. I began moving and I could feel Mark relaxing around me.

“Does it feel good?” I had to ask to make sure I wasn’t hurting him anymore.

“Hhmmmm, yes. Don’t stop, please …”

I kept the slow and steady pace, eager to find Mark’s spot so I could fuck him senseless already. I knew I finally hit it when Mark suddenly shouted my name in surprise and scratched my back raw.

I started thrusting faster and faster, making sure to hit that very spot. Mark was becoming uncontrollable under me, his breathing has gone hay wire and he kept spewing curse words. His hands were tightly holding onto me as I grabbed his hair forcefully, sucking in his sweet skin on his neck.

“Mark, you are mine! You fucking understand that?” I could feel the heat spreading all over my body, my orgasm was coming close to me.

“Yes! Holy fuck Tom! Shit, please! Fuck, make me yours Tom!”

I couldn’t handle it anymore. Those faces he was making, the way he was screaming out my name, his clumsy hands all over me, and his tight warmness. I quickly placed my sweaty hands on Mark’s dick and began pumping him as fast as I can. I closed my eyes and placed my head on his chest as I finally cum inside of him. Mark reached his orgasm too as I felt warm liquid spilling all over my stomach and Mark’s body spasming below me. I continued shoving my dick in as he became even tighter around me until my orgasm recedes. I pulled out and collapsed on him.

We stayed like that for a while, trying to regain our composure. I attempted to wipe his cum that has spilled on my stomach, but got lazy to finish it.

“Fuck, Tom …” he whispered as he began playing with my hair. I got off him and laid beside him, staring at his perfect eyes as he began smiling at me.

“Did I hurt you this time?” I was still so worried.

“No. Not even a bit.”

I smiled back at him as Mark came closer so he could laid his head besides my chest, hugging my sticky body at the same time.

“You … you make me feel safe Tom.”

“What? Why?” his statement puzzled me. Why would ** _I_** make him feel that way after what I put him through?

“I don’t know …” he sighed as he began tracing the tattoos on my left arm. “I don’t know why.”

We continued cuddling in silence, occasionally smiling at each other.                 

~

**_“Tom is a faggot! Tom is a faggot!” those jerks in the car began cheering and laughing at me as I skated back home. The damn car continued driving slowly besides me so that they could humiliate me even more._ **

**_“Hey Tom, why can’t you talk to girls, huh? Is it because pussies scare you?” one of the guys shouted at me as I desperately tried to ignore them._ **

**_“Tom is scared of vaginas!” that made the whole car exploded with laughter. “Tom likes to suck dicks!”_ **

**_“Hey Tom, I heard you’re pretty good at sucking dicks. How much do you charge? You need to wear a paper bag of course, cause I’m not a faggot like you!” I could feel a sting in my eyes, and I mentally told myself not to cry in front of these fuckheads._ **

**_“Tom, we heard that you like to suck your dad’s dick!” that was when I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped skating and looked at them with hatred. They all waited for my response._ **

**_“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled at them as I skated as fast as I could out of there. I could hear them laughing their ass off, probably peeing in their seats. Thankfully, they did not follow me and so, they did not see the tears falling down my face like the pussy I am._ **

**_I reached home and ran up to my room, locking the door behind me. I did not bother saying hello to anybody as they don’t care anyway. My father will be back home in a few hours so this means I have some time to myself. I wiped the tears off my face and grabbed a notebook and a pen from my study table. I stared at the blank piece of paper and began writing in bold._ **

**_[I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME BACK]_ **


	11. I wish I could explain myself

Mark’s P.O.V.

“So, tell me about yourself,” Tom asked after a while. “Where you’re from, what school you went to, blah blah blah …”

I frowned slightly at the question asked. I do not know what to tell him. I do not know whether I should trust him, tell him my life story.

I do not know what’s going on between us.

“Eerr … why?”

“Because I want to know more about you!” he stated like it was the most obvious thing. “I know your name is Mark Hoppus and you work in a music store.”

“I used to work in a music store,” Tom raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, I got fired on the day… on the day we met.”

There was a silence around us as I mentioned the day of my kidnapping. It seems like ages ago when Chad yelled at me to leave the store.

“We didn’t … we didn’t first met on that day.”

“We didn’t?”

“No. We first met in the city. We bumped into each other and you apologised to me. I didn’t forget you.”

“Why?”

Tom turned to face me.

“Your eyes. They’re hard to forget.”

I began blushing at the subtle compliment he gave me, my insides feeling fuzzy and warm. It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel this way.

I then decided to take a chance with him.

“My name is Mark Allan Hoppus. I’m 25 years old. I was born in Virginia and lived there most my life until I moved here a couple of months ago. I have the perfect family; the perfect father, perfect mother, the perfect sister. But I’m far from perfect … In fact, I am the fuck up in my family,” my voice came out slightly chocked, but I couldn’t stop myself now.

“I went to stupid schools where I had no friends and everybody made fun of me. I moved here because I wanted to work in the music industry. I’m not good enough to be in a band or have my own recording contract, so I thought I could become a sound technician or something, but I’m not even good enough for that!”

Tom had been listening intently to my outburst, never taking his eyes off me.

“To sum it up, I’m just a fuck up who can’t do anything right!”

I could feel the tears pricking in my eyes as I finally shared with someone my biggest insecurity.

“I like to disagree,” Tom said.

And as I looked at his face, the conviction his eyes told me, I believed him.

“Your turn next. I want to know more about you now.”

Tom’s smile faltered as soon as I said that. I started panicking until his smile grew slightly again.

“My name is Thomas Matthew DeLonge. I’m –“

“DeLonge?” his surname is weird, no doubt about it. But who am I to say that? I mean, Hoppus? I was definitely teased about my surname when I was in school.

“Yes, DeLonge. Are you going to interrupt me again?”

“No. Sorry Mr. DeLonge,” I began smirking at him as he continued.

“I’m 22 years old. I –“

“22?!” I couldn’t believe he was younger than me, by three years too. Other than the height difference, there was a certain maturity that he passes off that made me certain he was at least older than me.

“Yes Mark,” he sighed at me in exasperation. “Can I finish this now?”

I nodded at him, still in disbelief.

“I was born and raised here. I don’t have any friends too and besides music and skateboarding, I really believe in aliens.”

“Aliens? You gotta be kidding me, right?” I wanted to laugh at the thought of someone actually believing in UFOs and alien abductions.

“No, not really. The evidence is all out there if you are open enough to accept it. Most people don’t cause they are scared that there might be life out there who are smarter and advanced than they are.”

“And you believe that they are life outside this planet that could be smarter than us?”

“Sure. Don’t you?”

I hesitated before answering. I don’t want to offend him by disregarding something he seems so passionate about. On the other hand, the whole alien thing seems like a whole lot of bullshit that some bored person thought up.

“Let’s just say I’m a sceptic,” Tom seems happy enough about my answer so I decided to continue this getting to know about each other thing.

“When is your birthday?”

“13 November. You?”

“March 15. Favourite colour?”

“Blue, I think …”

“Mine’s pink,” as soon as I said that, Tom began laughing.

“Hey, don’t hate on me!” I pretended to be upset, pouting my lips at him.

“Haha, okay, okay … What’s your favourite season?”

“Summer, definitely.”

“Same. Favourite band?”

“Hmm … tough question. There are so many bands I love that it will be a travesty for me to just pick one, but I have to say The Cure.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Their music is fucking amazing, first of all, and the lyrics are so cleverly written. Not to mention how sexy Robert’s voice sounds.”

“Have you ever considered yourself gay Mark?” he asked me while giggling to himself.

“Not since I met you,” I half jokingly said.

Tom suddenly stopped giggling, making me nervous again.

What did I say wrong this time?

“Seriously Mark, are you gay?” he finally said something, but I rather not answer him.

I began coughing, trying to clear the lump in my throat. How the fuck am I suppose to answer that?

Am I gay?

“I don’t know … I mean … It’s just – I have mostly been attracted to women all my life … But I was always curious … There have been a couple of times when I find a man attractive. Not just for their looks, you know, but for their personality too …”

“Do you find me attractive?” his dark eyes met mine again, this time crippling me of thinking straight.

I could tell he was waiting for my response, but I was too distracted to even care. His eyes in this particular late afternoon light were breathtaking. I couldn’t even put words into a sentence on how he looked at that exact moment. It was just –

“Yes.”

His satisfied smile was what I was rewarded with, and I couldn’t help grinning back like an idiot.

“So, Star Wars or Star Trek?”

And just like that, the incredible tension between us disappeared into thin air. I was glad though, as I could finally breathe properly.

“Star Wars, and you can’t argue with me,” I said.

“Oh come on, you’re only saying that cause you want to bang Princess Leia.”

“Yeah, sure. But Star Wars beats Star Trek in so many different levels.”

“Listen to me dickwad –“ and Tom began rambling on about why Star Trek is better as we huddled with each other, both in paradise.

~

“Mark … Are you awake?” I heard a whisper in the dark.

We had been talking for hours until the sun went down. Tom asked me if I was hungry a while ago and I said no, too comfortable to move out of his touch. I thought we were going to sleep, but it seems like Tom have other plans.

“I’m awake now. What is it?”

“I want to show you something. Put on your clothes,” he got out of the bed, instantly making me feel colder.

Tom switched on the lights and began putting on his shorts.

“Where are our clothes, anyway?” I ignored his question as I was too busy observing his body under the bright light, carefully remembering every line and curve. Tom faked a cough, and realising I had been caught staring, I jumped out of the bed.

“I think its outside,” I pointed at the door. We walked into the living room, finally finding our clothes thrown everywhere. I put on my shirt, reminding myself that it must have belong to Tom, and feeling happier already.

“Let’s go,” Tom said as he opened the front door, beckoning me to go out for the first time.

I looked at him bewilderedly. Where the hell is he taking me?

As I took my first step out of the cabin, I noticed a beat up car parked in front. It must be Tom’s.

“We’re just going to take a short walk okay. Put on your shoes,” he pointed to my black shoes that I first wore, placed neatly besides the door.

We began walking, the whole time Tom was leading the way, holding my hand tightly as if I will run away at any moment. However, there was no desire in me to break free. I will probably get lost in this forest and die anyway.

Besides, Tom makes me happy.

After a few minutes, he suddenly stopped walking, forcing me to look up from the ground.

It was a small lake. We were surrounded by trees and this magnificent body of water that almost seems like liquid mirror, the way it was reflecting the bright, almost full moon, and the millions of stars that dotted the dark blue sky.

“Do you like it?” Tom asked as he sat down on the grass.

“Its … its … wow, its fucking beautiful.”

I sat down beside him, still in awe of the beauty in front of me. We sat in silence, letting the natural sounds of nature became our conversation. I suddenly shivered, realising how cold the air is. Tom put his arms around me, already warming me up. I laid my head on his shoulder, and I felt that safe feeling again.

“Mark, we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“What? Why? Where?” I lifted my head up so I could look at him, thankful that the moon illuminated his face.

“To my apartment. It’s a hassle to drive in and out for food,” he said. I understood his reasoning and laid on his shoulder again.

“We’re going to pretend you’re my roommate. But don’t you think for a second that you’re free Mark. You are still mine, do you understand? You’re not allowed to talk to anyone without my permission if we were to go out together.”

I frowned at the lack of freedom I was given, him reminding me of my position again.

“Okay.”


	12. But words escape me

Tom’s P.O.V.

I blinked my eyes, rubbing them harshly. The sunlight crept in the bedroom, warming my insides. I felt something around my waist, so I peered under the sheets to reveal an arm which did not belong to me. My eyes followed the lightly tanned limb, only to find a still fast asleep Mark.

I couldn’t help but to smile. He looked so peaceful, and happy. Though I know he is not happy being stuck with me, I like to pretend I was the cause of that slight curve that graced upon his face. I ran my fingers through his messy hair, placing a kiss on his forehead. His eyes slowly opened and he smiled at me.

I could get use to this. Waking up next to Mark, pretending we were actual lovers.

“Morning,” he whispered.

“Morning Mark.”

We stayed in silence for a while, just observing each other. I suddenly felt self-conscious. I’m pretty sure I looked like absolute shit, and I did not want him to look at me in this state. No one this perfect should be around someone like me.

“We better get going,” I took his arm off me reluctantly and hopped out of the bed. “You wanna take a shower first?”

Mark shyly nodded in response. He tried to clamber out of the bed and got tangled in the sheets instead.

“Fuck!” he whimpered as he hit the hard wooden boards. I couldn’t help giggling at his clumsiness, but I offered my hand to him and pulled him up. His face was tinged red, and I thought it was cute.

“Let’s find some clean clothes for us first,” I said.

I looked through the old drawer and found something for us to wear.

“Descendents? Rad,” Mark grinned as I passed him one of my old band shirts. I smiled back at him, happy that he approved, as I pointed at the door.

“You’re cool with me showering with you, right?” I asked him as we entered the bathroom.

“Yeah …” I could see him gulping nervously. I turned on the taps to warm the water up as Mark removed his clothing. He got in the cramped cubicle and when I joined him, there weren’t much space left.

“It’s pretty tight in here,” Mark said in a hushed tone.

“Right …” I licked my lips as my eyes scanned his face, then scanning his body. All of his bruises have faded, almost returning to normal. I was glad that the traces of my monstrosity were gone from him, and now I do not see what I did to his beautiful body.

But I’m still guilty though.

Still guilty that I ruined him.

He looks stunning right now, with his wet hair sticking to his forehead. With his eyes full of wonderment of what’s going to happen next. With that sultry lip biting he just did. With that nervous, yet excited, loud breathing.

When our lips crashed, everything around me became way too hot. The water’s too hot, the air’s too hot, and the body that I pressed against the cubicle is too hot. My fingers were entangled in his hair, one of my hands were on his nape, pulling him closer. His hands were on my hips, his dick lightly pressed against my upper thigh, his tongue was deep in my mouth. I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter, and I knew if we don’t stop now, I would explode. I pulled away from him, his lips red and swollen.

“Sorry …”  ** _breathe in, breathe out_**  “I got carried away …”

I rested my temple on his, finding it amusing that I am taller than him.

“Why be sorry?”  ** _breathe in, breathe out_** “I want to get carried away …”

I noticed his eyes that were burning with lust, with passion, with want.

With need.

This time, it was Mark who connected our lips together.

~

“Hey, you ready to go?” I called out at him as I gave the cabin one last check, making sure I did not leave anything behind.

“Just one minute!” I was about to turn away from the living room when I saw the CD player in the corner. I made my way to it, remove the CD and put it back in the case. I threw it in the bag where I had collected all our things.

“I’m ready,” Mark appeared out of the bedroom, with a huge smile on his face.

My heart beat accelerated, feeling like it was going to burst out anytime soon. I looked down quickly to calm myself down, feeling weak that I got so worked up over a fucking smile.

“Uh … yeah great. Let’s go,” I picked up my car keys and the plastic bag and head us outside. I opened the passenger door and Mark got in. I walked over to the other side, dropping my keys along the way and cursing myself.

“How far is your place from here?” he asked when I started the engine and began driving down the dirt pathway.

“About an hour.”

I wondered what Mark was thinking right now, as he was sitting quietly, looking out at the endless trees that surrounded us. He looked deep in thought and I did not want to disturb him, so I just continued driving.

When I drove out of the forest and into a main road, he stopped gazing out of the window.

“How does your apartment look like?”

“Why? You’re going to see it soon anyway?”

“I just want to know if it’s what I imagined it to be.”

“Ummm … okay, let me see …” I recalled the apartment I have been living in for the past four years. My father bought it for me for my 18thbirthday. At first, I thought it was a gift of generosity, something to say sorry for abusing me. He stopped doing those things to me for about two months, and I really thought I was free. But it was all part of his evil plan, his mastermind to trick me into a false sense of security so he could enter my apartment when I least expect it, and enjoy my horrified face when he surprised me.

“It’s a two bedroom apartment. My bedroom is covered with posters, and it’s pretty messy and dirty. There are dark carpets in my room and it’s pretty comfy,” I stopped to glance at him, noticing that he was listening intently. “There’s a bathroom attached to it, with a tub. The spare bedroom is plain and boring, just a bed and nothing else. I have a small kitchen which I hardly use and a decent size living room with a nice big TV in it.”

“Do you have a collection of alien documentaries beside your TV?” he said this while he closed his eyes, as if he was actually in my apartment.

“Hahahah, yes.”

“And a stack of cheap CDs from various punk bands?”

“Of course.”

“Sounds perfect to me,” he said dreamily, finally opening his eyes and giving me a smile before looking out of the window again.

~

We were going up the elevator, and I was thankful that none of my neighbours decided to show up. Everybody sort of knew me, I guess. It has been the same old people from the very start when I began living here. But I never bothered getting to know anybody and everybody left me alone so it works out for me, for them.

Mark was quiet the whole time, but I could see him jumping up and down on his toes. He was making me edgy. What if he doesn’t like my apartment? What if he absolutely hates it?

It’s silly to think that in such a short time, his opinion would matter so much to me when I am so used to not caring about anybody.

But maybe, if I begin caring, he would care about me back?

It’s a flawed logic, this I know. He would never care about me.

Never in a million years.

“Okay, sorry it’s a bit of in a mess right now,” I turned the key and opened my front door, letting someone new in for the first time I lived here.

He took fast strides and let his eyes roamed the place. It was dark and musty, from me not rolling up the blinds to let light in or opening the windows for fresh air to circulate these suffocated walls. I felt the need to puke, sure now that he hates this place, this solace and hell of mine.

“The rooms are down that hallway,” Mark ran down it eagerly, checking everything out. With him leaving me, I could finally breathe and relax. After a few minutes, I decided to check in on him. I walked down the gloomy hallway and found my bedroom door open wide.

Mark was standing in the middle of it, not facing me. When he felt my presence, he turned around.

“I love it.”

And that’s all I need to feel better. 


	13. It’s too late

Mark’s P.O.V

His room is fucking fantastic. It was everything I had imagined, right down from the different band posters stuck on the wall to the dark cobalt curtains to the beautifully crafted surf green electric guitar at the corner of his room, with an amp beside it.

“Is that a Fender Strat?” I asked as I approached it, admiring the craftsmanship on it.

“Yeah, I play on it sometimes,” he has this really pleased look on his face.

“It’s beautiful,” I sighed, my eyes roaming everywhere, before I looked at the floor, suddenly remembering my first surprise when I entered his room.

“Your carpet is black!” I giggled at the weird choice.

“Haha, I told you, didn’t I? It just came like that when I moved in. I like it, weirdly enough.”

“Me too. I just love this place!”

“Well, I wish I do …” his voice trailed off, as if he spoke too much.

“Wait, why not?”

“Too many bad memories …”

I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable and I know that there is always a possibility of him snapping and becoming aggressive. So I walked up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” I tried to comfort him, but my words must be wrong cause the next thing I know, he pushed me off him.

“You’re right! I don’t need to fucking tell you anything!” he stormed out of the room.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I silently screamed at myself.

Why do I always fuck shit up? I walked out and tried to find him. He wasn’t in the spare room, or the living room or the kitchen. I couldn’t find him anywhere until I saw a figure at the small balcony that adjoined the living room. I slide the sliding doors and found Tom looking at the view. I quickly scanned the area myself, realising I didn’t recognise anything. It was just a residential area, rows of houses that looked the same to me, some small apartment buildings like the one we’re in. Tom must leave in some part of Poway I don’t go to.

“Tom… look, I’m sorry about just now,” I spoke to his back.

Silence.

“Tom, please forgive me,” I begged him, distraught that I had upset him and it’s not even been a day since we moved here.

He turned around; his face was a near shade of crimson. I could see tears in his eyes, tears that he desperately tried to hold back. He looked livid, and yet so miserable.

“Tom, I’m so fucking sorry okay,” my voice started chocking and I could feel wetness slipping down my face.

He still made no movement, and I was getting desperate.

“Tom … please … talk to me …” I was sobbing now, holding onto the rails of the balcony to support myself as I start to think the worst.

**_He’s going to punish me, he’s going to punish me now._ **

I suddenly felt skinny, yet sturdy arms wrapping around me. My head crashed into his chest, wetting his shirt with my stupid tears.

“Shhh … you’re fine, it’s fine,” he said lowly. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

He placed kisses on my forehead, and the sobbing eventually stopped.

“You don’t deserve me,” he whispered.

I looked up at him. And at that exact moment, everything makes sense.

Why I feel lost when he leaves me, why I crave for his attention and his hot kisses and his harsh love, why I care so much about his feelings.

It’s because …

It’s because I care about him now.

I care for my captor.

“I like you Tom,” I said earnestly.

He blinked his eyes, looked at me in shocked, and gave me the brightest smile I have seen on him.

“I … I like you too Mark.”

And everything seems alright.

~

“What I want you’ve got, and it might be hard to handle! Like the flame that burns the candle! The candle feeds the flammmmeeeee! YEAH YEAH!” I couldn’t help laughing at him. We were washing up the dishes and Tom started singing, shaking his ass, and splashing the soapy water at me.

“What I’ve got is full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter! And you pull them all together! And hoooooowwww I can’t explaiiiinnnnnnn! Oh yeah! Well well you –“

“Ooh ooh ooh ooh!” I joined at the harmonies, both of us full on dancing now.

“You make my dreams come true!”

“You you you you you you you!” Tom grabbed my hands and started spinning me around.

“Well well you!”

“Ooh ooh ooh ooh!”

“You make my dreams come true!”

“You you you you you you you!”

Both of us ended up in laughter. I don’t even know why it was so funny. Tom just has that effect on me.

“You’ve got a good voice,” he commented when the laughter died down.

I smiled. I never sing in front of people anymore. Not after that incident in high school…

But with Tom, it was different.

He is different.

“Thank you. I like your voice,” I do. It was whiny and high, but his tone was unique.

Different.

“I like your eyes,” I immediately blushed. I always thought my eyes were nothing special.

“I like your eyes too. And your hair.”

“I think I like your hair better.”

“I like your lip piercing.”

“I like your lips,” the playful game of compliments turned to lust. The air become heavy and all sound was sucked out of that room. All I could hear and see was him.

“I like … I like kissing you.”

“I like the faces you do when I touch you,” I gulped as he took a step forward.

“I like your body on mine.”

“I like the sounds you make when I’m in you,” he took another step as he speaks.

I was super turned on by now, and the game we’re playing made me eager for more.

“I like you touching me.”

He took the last step and smiled at me deviously.

“I like fucking you.”

 ~

**_What the fuck am I doing? Is this even a good idea?_ **

**_Of course not. Singing in front of the fucking school is never a good idea._ **

**_I should walk away now. Walk away from the backstage and walk away from the hall and walk away._ **

**_Why the fuck did I signed up for this stupid talent show thing anyway? It’s not like I want to win the fucking lame prize._ **

**_Fuck, fuck I should run away now. But that dumb ass teacher saw me and yes, she’s coming closer to me. She checked my name against the list she have and now, she’s practically shoving me inside to get my bass ready._ **

**_Look at everybody staring at me. Staring at the weirdo with the eyeliner and the nail polish. Staring at the faggot of the school._ **

**_This will show them. This will show them I am more than how I fucking look._ **

**_This will show everybody._ **

**_I waited for my turn. I waited and watched. Stupid fucking bimbos dancing slutily. What’s the talent in that?_ **

**_Stupid fucking jocks lifting weights, showing off their stupid fucking bodies._ **

**_Stupid fucking retards with their “magic” show._ **

**_Stupid fucking assholes reciting lame jokes._ **

**_My turn._ **

**_Fuck, it’s my turn already?_ **

**_I walked slowly to the middle of the stage. A mic was set up for me. Some dude tried to plug up my bass to the amp and I told him to fuck off. He huffed at me angrily. Nobody fucking touches my bass._ **

**_I hooked it up, stand in front of the mic stand, and finally saw how many people were watching me._ **

**_Every single person in the hall was paying attention to me. That’s weird. Usually these close-minded bigots are too busy with their own lives to look at the stage._ **

**_“Errrr … my name is Mark Hoppus and I will be singing a song call Hope by the Descendents,” no response, so I counted to three in my head and began playing._ **

**_Everything was a haze. I screwed up at least five times, and my voice was a bit too pitchy, but I thought it went well. So, when I strummed the last note, I expected applause._ **

**_Several people clapping. All of them are teachers who are obligated to._ **

**_“That fucking sucks!” a voice yelled in the faceless crowd._ **

**_“Get off the stage faggot!”_ **

**_“Booo!”_ **

**_I should have known better. I should have expected it._ **

**_I pulled the jack out of my bass, ran off the stage, ran out of that fucking hall, ran straight to a toilet and locked myself in the stall._ **

**_The tears did not stop._ **


	14. To save me

Tom’s P.O.V.

I was staring at him while he sleeps again. He just looked so peaceful and happy, so fucking adorable. I enjoyed moments like these, when everything is quiet and I can just look at him, pretend for a while he is mine. I know better to not lie to myself. I might have captured him, hide him away for my own selfish desire, but I know he is not mine. He doesn’t belong to me.

He doesn’t feel the same way.

I was observing his chest, how it steadily raised up and down. My fingers were lightly tracing circles on his arm. His skin is so soft and pretty. I never thought skin could be pretty, but his is. For the past few days, we stayed at the apartment. We ate all the junk food in my kitchen; watched crappy daytime TV, and when the sun goes down, we would talked for hours. It seems like there’s always something to talk about. Mark is never boring. When he speaks, he have this air of excitement in him which was so contagious. I never thought I could have a great conversation about eating etiquette, but we somehow did.

And before we go to sleep, we would fuck. I would not call it ‘making love’ because that’s not what it is. We’re not in love … or at least he isn’t.

It’s getting difficult for me to think straight. I somehow have forgotten the original purpose of kidnapping him, to prove that I could be in charge. But it feels like he is in charge now. Every single thing we do, I made sure he is enjoying it. Like as if I should care!

But I do.

I care about him.

A lot.

The voice in my head is always whispering evil things to me. My head is cloudier than usual, and sometimes it gets too much. Sometimes Mark said something he really shouldn’t, and I snap. The voice tells me I should punish him. And I listen. Everything will go hazy, and the next thing I know, Mark will be on the floor, holding his red face. I always regret it though, always fucking regret it. I try to make it up to him, but I can still see the look of fear in his eyes. I don’t blame him.

I’m a monster.

But eventually, he forgives me. I don’t know why, and I don’t deserve it.

I could tell he’s going to wake up soon. I can tell a lot about him. I’ve learned so much about Mark, he’s an open book to me. I’ve never met a human being who I have this much interest for. He’s just … special.   
His head turned to face me, rubbing his tired eyes.

“Have you been watching me?” he finally asked.

“Yes,” he nodded, as if he expected it from me.

We lay there for a while, too lazy to get out of bed. I did not want to move, I like the closeness we shared. I like the warmth, the softness, the comfort. Never in my life do I feel this close to someone.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” I said.

“A surprise?” I could hear the immediate excitement.

“Yeah, get your cute butt out of bed and get ready,” I pinched his nose playfully. He gave me a dorky smirk as he jumped out.

“Do I need to take a shower?” I nodded. He searched through my drawer to find clean clothes and walked to the en suite. He will like this surprise, I thought as I peeled my sticky boxers and joined him.

~

“What’s the surprise? What’s the surprise?” he started jumping up and down. I laughed at his obvious excitement, finding it adorable.

“We’re going out today,” I smiled triumphantly, the words already taking an effect on Mark, his mouth dropped open.

“You mean … out there?” he pointed at my front door. I nodded, took his hand in mine and opened the door.

“Where are we going?” he asked as I locked the door.

“Just walking around, get something to eat, make a trip to your apartment.”

“My apartment? Why?”

“Gonna have to pack your things if you want to live with me right?”

“Wait, what?”

“And we need to tell your landlord that you are moving out. I also have to pay your rent and bills for the past month,” I continued as if he didn’t speak, pressing the buttons for the elevator. 

“What?!” Mark practically screamed in my ears.

"You’re with me now. There’s no need for you to have your apartment," and as my words sink in, I could tell he was confused and distraught. I just let a bomb fall on him.

That I’m planning to keep him for the long run.

"But –"

"No buts," I placed my finger on his lip to silence him, and thought of a better idea. I leaned in and kissed his quivering lips, gently nibbling on his upper lip. He responded back, letting out a quiet moan. I broke the kiss and looked at his hazy eyes.

"Everything will work out. Trust me," he stared back for a while, before nodding slowly, but surely at me.

Before he trusted me.

~

“Hey, I think I know where we are!” he shouted a bit too loud, causing me to flinch. He noticed this and apologized.

“It’s alright,” I turned right into another street, trying to find the diner near my place. It’s really a five minutes drive, but I can’t seem to find it. “We’re near Lake Poway. It’s about fifteen minutes from your place.”

After a couple more minutes, I finally located the diner. I parked round the corner and got out of the car. Mark remained in his seat until I opened the door for him.

“If you try to run away, I’ll find you and make you pay. You got it?” I whispered menacingly in his ears.

I did not want to treat him like shit, but I was too afraid he will try to leave me.

He nodded and I interlocked our fingers together, maintaining a firm grip just in case. We walked into the doors, and waited until a pretty blonde waitress came to us.

“Table for two?” she asked us, a bit too happily for my taste.

“Yeah. Can we get a table with … more privacy please?” her eyes traveled down to meet our hands. She raised her eyebrows slightly before nodding.

Once we were seated, I began feeling uncomfortable as Mark looked through the menu.

“She was checking you out,” I gritted my teeth.

“Who?”

“That pretty blonde waitress. She was checking you out.”

“Really?” he asked with a smile, and I immediately frowned.

“Do you think she’s hot?” my voice got lower as I tried to control my thoughts.

“What?”

“Do you want to fuck her?” I slammed my fist down the table, causing some people to look at us.

_**He doesn’t love you, he just wants to fuck that chick. Punish him. Slap him. Make him pay.** _

“What, no!” Mark raised his hands up defensively.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Mark,” I could feel the blood in my body becoming dangerously hot, my fists were aching to punch his face.

“Tom, please … people are watching us,” his hands were wrapped around mine to try to comfort me, but I flicked them away.

“I don’t care!”

“Tom, look I don’t want to have sex with her! I just want you.”

I did not want to believe him.

I can’t believe him.

“Tom,  _ **please**_  believe me. I just want you,” his voice became gentle, his hands caressing my face softly, causing tingles to travel down my body. “I just need you.”

My breathing started to even out as he continued to calm me, enveloping me with his touch. I closed my eyes, took a couple more deep breaths, and relaxed my fists.

“Are you guys ready to order?” the blonde slut appeared beside us, and it took all my effort to not beat the living shit out of her for looking at him.

“Can we just get two of your house special?” Mark told her without taking his eyes off me. “And some coffee please.”

“Sure,” she finally left us. Mark withdrew his hand away from my face and held my shaking hands instead.

“Are you okay now?” I attempted to nod, not sure whether he caught it.

“I don’t want anybody else… I’m happy with you Tom.”

“You are?” my eyes met his, trying to figure out if he’s shitting with me right now.

He grabbed my hand, brought it to his lips and started placing kisses.

“Yes. I am,” I finally smiled at him, and he returned it. The food came and we ate in silence.

He’s happy with me…

~

I parked the car in front of his place. I observed the building. It was old, dark, dilapidated. The place was starting to bum me out, and I have no idea how he could stand living here for those few months.

He’s better off with me.

“Let’s talk to your landlord first,” we walked up the stairs and he knocked on a door. A female around her early forties opened the door.

“Mark! Where have you been this past month?” she exclaimed.

I decided to tune them out as Mark tried to explain. I think at some point Mark tried to introduce me to her but I ignored the both of them, trying to think about today. Everything doesn’t make sense to me.

Eventually, Mark finished talking to her and faced me.

“She’s going to get some paperwork done, and I need to pay my rent and –“

“I pay,” I interrupted. “Let’s just get your stuff out okay?”

We walked down this dingy hallway until we reached a door. I produced his apartment key that I took from his jean’s pocket. Mark took it, slide it in the lock, and turned it.

Everything about the apartment felt wrong.

It was not him. There wasn’t any personality in the furniture, the walls were bare and empty, the floor was cold and frigid. There wasn’t any warmth that I have learned to associate with Mark.

“This is your place?”

“Yeah. It’s nothing like yours …” and he was right. His apartment makes mine look like a five star hotel.

“Let’s just start packing. Do you have any boxes or suitcases?”

Half an hour later, we managed to finish packing his entire apartment in two boxes and a huge suitcase. There wasn’t much stuff to begin with. He explained to me he didn’t pack that many things when he moved here.

We carried the boxes and the suitcase and stuff it in my car. The landlord appeared and I quickly paid for everything. Mark gave her the key, and we left the place.

“How you feeling?” we were driving past his old workplace. That music shop I frequently visit to stare at him.

“I dunno …”

“Everything will be fine. You can wear your own clothes now. Stop stealing mine.”

“I like your clothes.”

“Okay, you can still wear my clothes. But now you have all your things in my apartment. It will feel more like home.”

“That apartment didn’t feel like home. It felt cold all the time, even during the summer…”

“Do you feel at home at my place?” I nearly didn’t dare to ask him the question, but I wanted to know.

“I feel at home when I’m with you,” he placed his hand on my knee, squeezing it reassuringly. 

Mark smiled for the first time since he left his past for good.


	15. You’re too late

Mark’s P.O.V.

I don’t know when was the exact day when I figured it out, when everything made sense to me. I don’t know how it happened, and why.

I don’t know how I fell in love with Tom DeLonge.

It kind of just … happened, I guess. One day, I looked at him and realised that I wasn’t just physically attracted to him. It was much more than that.

I fell in love with the little smiles he does when he drinks coffee in the morning. I fell in love with his extravagant speeches about things that are not real. I fell in love with his morning scent, the way it fills up the room and engulfs my lungs. I fell in love with the little things he does, his company, his personality, the way he makes me feel so loved, so important.

I fell in love with him.

And I could tell I was falling hard, and I was falling fast.

I nearly said it to his face one evening. The sun was setting and we were in the balcony. I was smoking a cigarette while Tom was doodling on his sketchpad. He showed it to me before, and it was like looking into Tom’s brain. I was smoking, and he was drawing and I remember how beautiful everything was. The sky was pink and orange and Tom’s face was catching the last sun rays. He was focused on his drawing, and I couldn’t stop looking at his hand as he slid the stick of charcoal across the white paper.

“Hey,” I said softly, so I didn’t surprise him.

“Hmm?” he did not look up.

“I …” I could feel the words in my mouth, desperate to get out. But it felt wrong.

This is not the time. This is not the place.

“I … I like what you’re drawing.”

“Thanks.”

And that was the end of our conversation. I continued inhaling the sweet toxins, realising that I may never say it out loud.

I could no longer think him as my captor. It’s in the back of my head, but I try to ignore it. His mood has been getting better. His abrupt mood swings don’t happen too often, nor does his violent tendencies. I stick to talking about things I know he feels comfortable with. The happier he is, the happier I am.

I feel like a teenager around him. Every time he touches me, even just a slight brush, I get knots in my stomach and tingles down my body. I don’t think I ever felt like this with a person before. I only wish this was real.

That we were actually in a relationship.

I hated feeling constricted around him. I have no say in anything. I’m his doll, his puppet.

The puppet that fell in love with his puppeteer.

I wonder whether he feels similar towards me or is it just sexual and power gratification. I wonder whether I make him feel like how he makes me feel; breathless, out of control, at the top of the world.

I wonder if the cat has fallen in love with the mouse.

And even if he doesn’t, I can’t stop my feelings. I can’t stop protecting him from his frequent nightmares that always ends with tears. I can’t stop smiling when I see him. I can’t stop wanting his laughs, his touch, his kisses.

I can’t stop.

And maybe I never want to stop.

~

Another morning, another day. As soon as my eyes opened, I knew Tom would be looking at me like he always does.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he whispered.

“Wait, it’s Valentine’s Day?”

**_Already?_ **

He nodded. His eyes remained on mine as he took a deep breath.

“Will you, Mark Hoppus, do the great honour of being my Valentine?”

“Wait, errrrrrr … You want  ** _me_**  to be your Valentine?”

“Of course silly!”

“But uummmm… I never had a Valentine before… I … I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“And I never had a Valentine before too. Let’s just be idiots together and do cheesy things,” he sat up, stretching his long arms out. “So, wanna be my Valentine today or what?”

“Do I even have a choice? Of course Tommy!” I started giggling as he pouted at me.

“I hate that name. Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? You can be my Tommy and I can be your Marky.”

“That’s fucking corny,” I looked at him, trying to give my best puppy dog face. “Okay, fine.”

“You’re so easy to persuade Tommy!” I started laughing at him, overjoyed at my easy triumph.

“Now, will you get off the bed so I can make you pancakes?”

“You’re making me pancakes?!”

“Only the best for my Marky,” he started walking out of the room, wiggling his ass at me.

This will be a good day.

~

“I think I ate too much,” I burped really loudly to prove it. “You should cook more often Tommy.”

Tom was driving us to somewhere special where we could spend the day. He was in a good mood today, which made me happy.

“I hope you like where we’re going. I sort have been planning this for a week,” he sounded nervous as he took his eyes off the road to quickly glance at me.

“I’m sure I will love it, especially if you picked it,” I couldn’t help but marvel at how beautiful he looked today. He was wearing a white shirt and a pair of ¾ khaki pants, his bright blue boxers peeking out. His hair was the usual cute messy state and his permanent smile on his face looked perfect.

“What are you staring at?”

“Oh, just the most beautiful man in the world,” both of us had been saying really cheesy things to each other since our huge breakfasts. It feels like a competition to see who could say the most ridiculous thing to each other. I quite enjoyed it, hearing Tom calling me ‘babe’ and ‘honey’.

“We all know you’re the beautiful one, babe,” and every time he calls me that, my heart quickens and my insides get all warm.

“We’re here,” he pulled into a parking lot, a huge sign announcing where we are.

“Belmont Park?” I couldn’t hide the high shriek that came out. “Dude, I wanted to go here since like forever!”

“Well, let’s have some fun then!” I scrambled out off the car and started jumping up and down.

“Come on Tommy! I want to go on some rides!” I quickly grabbed his hand and practically ran to the entrance. There was a short queue at the ticket counter and I was growing restless having to wait.

“Calm down Marky, we’ll be in soon,” he started laughing at my fidgeting body.

“I just can’t wait! The roller coaster and the bumping cars and all the junk food, oh my god I can’t believe I’m here!”

“Why haven’t you been here before anyway, if you always wanted to go?” the queue got shorter and we were up next.

“Cause I don’t have any friends to go with!” I did not expect to say that with that much enthusiasm, which I supposed shocked Tom slightly. He had a frown on his face, and my stomach immediately dropped.

“Wait, what did I say wrong?” I touched his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t have a meltdown in public.

“Am I your friend Mark?”

“What?”

“You said you don’t have any friends. Do you consider me as a … friend?” I was horrified that he would think like that.

“Of course you’re my friend! I like you Tom!”

“You’re … you’re sure?”

“Yes! Now, my friend, can we please get our tickets so I could go on some rides!” I bopped his nose.

“Haha, okay,” he immediately calmed down and entangled his fingers in between mine.

~

“HOOOLLLLY FUUUCCCKKK!!!” Tom was beside me, screaming at the top of his lungs. We had been on the Bleach Blaster, the Control Freak, the Octotron, the bumper cars and I finally convinced a very sick Tom to join me in the Giant Dipper.

Judging by the obscenities spilling out of his mouth though, I realised that was a bad idea.

“FUCK SHIT FUCK WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!” he hollered as we came into another loop the loop.

“HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT FUCKING SCREAMING?!” Tom yelled at me and I just whooped out loud, enjoying the thrill.

Five minutes later, we exited the roller coaster and I was feeling a huge adrenaline rush from it.

“Fuck, that was rad! Hey Tommy, how you’re doing?”

“I think I’m gonna puke,” he was leaned over, his head in between his legs.

“Come on, you’re fine,” I pulled him up, and it must be the huge rush I was under as I quickly pressed my lips against his. I started making out with him in the middle of the amusement park, not caring about the people around us. Tom quickly caught on, moving his lips with mine.

“What … what was that for?” Tom said after he gently pulled back from the kiss.

“I lo – like you,”  ** _fuck, that was close._**

Tom blushed.

“I like you too.”

We smiled at each other, both in our own world. Tom held my hand and we started walking aimlessly.

“Thanks for bringing me out,” I said.

“It’s nothing,” we walked past a stall, one of those park games where you try to win a prize by doing something impossible. “Hey, look at that toy.”

It was a huge pink plush octopus amidst many other plush toys. I once told him that I find aquatic animals fascinating.

“Oh my god, I want it!” I pulled him towards the stall. There was a blonde girl behind the counter, and she immediately gave us a perky smile.

“Hey guys! It’s five dollars a try. All you need to do is shoot all five of these hoops and you can pick anything you like. The tricky part is that the hoops move around, so you need to have a good aim,” she pointed at the basketball hoops behind her, all set at different levels.

“Five dollars?!” Tom exclaimed.

“Please Tommy, I want that octopus!”

He looked at me, and I hoped the puppy dog face will work again.

“Fine! But I’m doing this cause I know you will nag at me for the rest of the day,” he passed the girl the money and took the ball from her.

“Thank you so much! Wait, are you good at this?” the girl pressed a button, and the hoops began to move.

“I used to be in my school’s basketball team,” he aimed for the closest hoop and threw at it, a perfect shot.

“Wow, really?” he continued shooting the rest of the hoops easily. I was impressed.

“Yeah!” he shouted as the ball entered the last hoop.

“Congrats! Which toy would you like?” the girl smiled at us.

“That one, that one!” I pointed at the pink octopus.

She quickly took it off the display and handed it to me.

“You’re so lucky to have him as your boyfriend,” she whispered to me while Tom wasn’t paying attention.

“Wait .. what, we’re … I mean … ummmm we’re –“ her blue eyes were distracting me, and as I quickly observed her face and small stature, I noticed that she was really beautiful.

The kind of beautiful I would go for if I wasn’t already in love with somebody else.

“Come on Marky, I’m getting hungry,” Tom began dragging me away from the girl as she winked at me knowingly.

Tom was busy trying to find somewhere to eat in the busy place while I was lost in my thoughts again.

“Are you okay? You don’t like the octopus?” he asked me after I stayed silent for way too long.

“No! I mean, I love it so much. Thanks Tommy,” I just couldn’t make sense of what the girl told me.

_**Did we really look like that? Like an actual couple?** _

“No problem. Wanna get some pizza?” he nudged at a pizzeria that was a few feet away from us.

“Of course,” I gave him a quick smile, my head still spinning.

~

“Aren’t we a bit too old for this?” Tom asked as we stood in the line to get in the carousel.

“Nope. Nobody’s too old for some carousel Tommy,” I started stroking my octopus affectionately. I’ve grown quite attached to it in the past few hours.

“I want that horse then,” he pointed to a white horse that went by us. “If some little fuckhead tries to get it, I will be so pissed.”

Finally, it was our turn. We were surrounded by ten years old, which caused some parents to stare at us weirdly but we didn’t care. Tom quickly ran to the horse he wanted, and if my eyes did not fool me, I was sure he pushed a little girl to get to it.

I got on a brown horse next to him and we started moving. Tom started yelling out inappropriate things that will definitely scar the children around us, and of course I encouraged him. I was just having such a good time with Tom, I didn’t want it to end.

When we got out of the carousel, the sun was quickly setting.

“Let’s get some ice cream and sit on the beach and watch the sun set,” Tom suggested.

“You’re spoiling me Tommy.”

He bought me a double scoop of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and nuts all over it. He got himself a simple strawberry ice cream, and we proceeded to the beach. We found a spot where people weren’t around, sat down, and watched the sun goes down.

“Hey Tom.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for this. It’s been the best Valentine’s Day ever.”

“Beats jerking yourself off and feeling lonely, yeah?”

“Haha, yeah …”

He looked at me intently, before looking back at the horizon.

Everything was beautiful and perfect that day.

When Tom finished his ice cream, he started trailing his finger on the sand between us.

It was a heart outline, with ‘T + M’ in it.

“That’s fucking corny,” I told him with the hugest smile on my face.

“I know,” he smiled back.


	16. You’re too late

Tom’s P.O.V.

Dark, everywhere was just fucking darkness. It was too quiet.

Something’s not right.

I began running. I don’t know what I’m running away from, but my legs kept moving. I kept looking behind me to see if someone is following me, but there’s no one. I just kept on running, trying to escape from this darkness. I began crying as a huge wave of fear and anxiety rushed through me. I was out of breath, scared, tired and upset. I just wanted it to stop.

Light, a beam was shining at me. I ran towards it, suddenly feeling hopeful. I could nearly make out a person standing there but suddenly, I was pulled back by an invisible force. I tried to claw my way out, fighting back so I could reach the light. But I was too weak.

The light was diminishing, the figure was disappearing, and the darkness was taking over me again. I was dragged further away, crying the whole time as I was suffocated.

“Tom, wake up Tom,” my eyes immediately opened, the light flooding my vision. I looked at Mark, his worried face frowning at me. I could feel wetness down my cheeks, and I knew I had been crying from the dream again.

Mark hugged me tightly, his usual way of comforting me when it happened. It doesn’t happen too often, not like it used to, but it’s still pretty bad. I usually thrashed around the bed, and I had hit Mark a couple of times before. It just felt all too real. Even when I wake up from it, just the first few seconds, I still feel like I’m chocking.

“Was it the same dream?” he asked me soothingly.

I nodded against his chest. I had told him about my dreams. They’re always the same. I’m alone in the dark and I will run until I nearly reached somewhere that looked safe, before I get sucked back into the darkness. Of course, I never explained to him why I keep having the same dream, and I don’t plan on telling him that.

“Fuck, I’m sorry for this,” I told him when I eventually calmed down. “Today is supposed to be your special day, and I have already ruined it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, umm … happy birthday Mark!” I forgot that Mark doesn’t know what date we’re on anymore.

“What?!” he looked at me in disbelief.

“Today is your birthday! March 15th, right?” I suddenly got worried that I remembered the wrong date.

“Yes! But it can’t be my birthday …”

“Well, it is according to the world. Happy 26th Mark!”

“Urgh, I feel old,” he scrunched his face up.

“You are old,” he flicked his middle finger up at me. “Come on, I’m bringing you somewhere.”

He nodded his head and tried to stand up, but his body crumbled and hit the bed.

“Shit!” he yelled out.

“Fuck, what’s wrong?!” his face showed signs of pain.

“It’s … nothing Tom. It’s just from, oh god, last night,” he was breathing heavily.

“Was I too hard on you?” I asked as I sat behind him, knowing his ass must be burning right now.

“No!” he shouted a bit too fast. “I mean, no, you weren’t. It’s just … we’ve been doing it nonstop for the past few nights. Must have caught up on me.”

“I’m so sorry,” I felt like a jerk to hurt him on his birthday. “I make it up to you.”

I leaned down and kissed him on his forehead, inhaling his scent.

“Can you help me get on my feet?” said Mark.

“Of course,” I stood beside the bed and lifted him up from a sitting position. He groaned slightly as he began walking.

“How bad is it?” I was just thinking we should call off the trip; I couldn’t stand seeing him in so much pain.

“Not so bad, just as long as I don’t sit down and pressed on it too hard,” he weakly smiled. “I swear I’m okay Tom.”

“Fine …” I reluctantly agreed. Besides I really wanted to bring him out. “But if it gets too painful, we’re going home.”

“God Tom, you sound like my mom,” he laughed as he staggered out of the room.

 ~

“Oh my god,” his jaw was dropped open, and I know I did well. “We’re at La Jolla!”

“I wanted to bring you surfing, but since you don’t know how to surf, I thought snorkeling is the next best thing.”

“We’re going snorkeling?!” his voice went up an octave or two.

“Yeah, see some aquatic animals. You don’t mind doing that?”

"I will love to go snorkeling with you!”

I parked near the cove, grateful that today wasn’t as busy as usual.

“Ever been here before?” La Jolla is probably the best place in San Diego. Despite the abundant tourists that flooded the place, I have always loved coming here when I was a kid.

“Just once, but it wasn’t that fun by myself …” I picked up the bag I brought for the trip and slung it over my back and we began walking towards the beach.

“Oh my god, looks at those seals!” Mark pointed at the fat creatures below us, laying and basking in the hot California sun. “They’re so fucking cute!”

“Hey, we got some time before we do this snorkeling thing, want to walk on that?” I pointed at the huge sea wall in the distance.

“Sure,” he grinned at me. We walked along the walkway, Mark shouting at me about the seals from time to time. When we reached the ending point, Mark closed his eyes and smiled.

“Hmmm, I love the sun. The sun in California is so different.”

“Pretty sure Virginia has the same sun,” he chuckled at my response.

Mark shut his eyes again, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his skin. I should bring him out more, he just looked so damn happy.

“So, how does 26 feel?”

“Old, but I still feel the same.”

We kept quiet for a while, Mark pointing seals swimming below us from time to time.

“Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“You looked beautiful,” he blushed at my unexpected compliment.

“Want to go snorkeling now?” I said.

“Heck yes,” he offered his hand to me this time, his calloused palm finding its way back to mine.

~

“My name is Travis, and I will be your snorkeling tour guide for today,” the really skinny short guy with the full body wet suit smiled at us.

I booked a private tour at this snorkeling place just so Mark and I could have some privacy. The guy looked friendly enough, and I hoped he won’t ask too many personal questions.

“Hi Travis, my name is Mark,” Mark shook the guy’s hand, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

“I’m Tom,” I quickly shook his hand too, just so I don’t seem rude.

“Nice to meet you both!” he cheerily said.

“Do we need to wear that?” I pointed at his tight wet suit. “I only brought board shorts for me and Mark.”

“Nah, it’s alright man. You don’t need to wear a wet suit when you go snorkeling. I just came back from a scuba diving tour, that’s why I’m wearing this.”

“Scuba diving? Cool!” Mark exclaimed.

“If you guys would like to get change and meet me out here, we can start with the tour. The toilets are that way,” he pointed behind him.

“Okay, see ya in a bit,” said Mark.

When we walked into the rather clean toilets, I rummaged through the bag to find our change of clothes.

“Will this be fine?” I showed him the black shorts I packed for him.

“Yeah,” he quickly stripped off his shirt. “I’m so excited for this, man. Travis seems like a cool guy.”

“Hmm.”

“And I bet he gets to go scuba diving every day, how rad is that?”

“Hmm.”

“Imagine all the animals he gets to see on a daily basis, wow, I wished I –”

“Can you please shut the fuck up about him already?!” I snapped, losing my temper. Mark looked stunned. “You only met the guy for one minute, so shut up!”

I wanted to hide in one of the cubicles and punched a wall. Jealousy and betrayal was consuming me.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shut up now,” he looked at me solemnly as he finally put on the shorts.

“Fuck, forget about it,” I threw my shirt in the bag and put on my shorts.

Mark suddenly pulled me into a desperate kiss. I wanted to push him away, but the way his lips felt against mine, how my head spun and my heart pounded so loudly, I couldn’t resist him. I felt his tongue sliding against my lips, and I immediately let him in. He tasted so sweet, almost nauseating. One of his hands was on my nape, bringing me in closer, while the other hand was in my hair. Mark pulled away shortly, and I whined at the loss of Mark near me.

“You. Okay? Just you,” he shook my shoulders lightly.

“Okay,” I nodded my head helplessly, like I’m under a spell.

“Good. Now let’s go snorkeling,” he was about to turn away when I forcefully grabbed him and pressed him close to me.

“We gotta put on some sunscreen first,” I said in a low voice, hoping he will kiss me again. He raised his right eyebrow and I licked my lips, hoping he understands the message.

“How about this first, and sunscreen later?” he latched his lips against mine, pushing me against the wall.

~

“What took you guys so long?” Travis asked us when we finally stopped our making out session and stumbled out of the toilets. He has changed into a pair of swimming shorts, just like us, and I was amazed at the array of tattoos etched all over his body. From his torso, to his arms and legs, this guy was completely covered.

“Sorry bout that,” Mark apologised. “Nice tats!”

“Thanks! Okay, who wants to go snorkeling?” Mark started jumping up and down like a little kid, and I couldn’t help smirking.

After ten minutes of briefing by Travis who explained us how to use the snorkel, we put on our fins and jumped in the water.

“Fuck! It’s freezing man!” I shouted, forgetting that Travis was with us.

“Don’t worry, your body will get used to it soon. So, are we ready?” I looked beside me, seeing a shivering Mark. I wanted to hug him so I could warm him up, but I thought that might be a bit too much for Travis, so I held Mark’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” I said.

“You guys can go first,” Travis said, putting on his huge mask.

“Okay,” I put on my mask and placed the snorkel in my mouth, when Mark stopped me.

“I’m … kinda scared,” he whispered to me.

“What?”

“Just … hold my hand and don’t let me go? Please?” he begged me.

“Okay,” I smiled at him. “Put on your mask and snorkel and I will count to three okay?”

He nodded and did what I said.

“One, two, three!” we went under the water. Everything was murky at first, before my eyes got used to it.

Travis was in front of us, signalling us to follow him. We started looking around the water, when Mark tapped me on my shoulder and pointed to something below us.

It was a seal, swimming gracefully past us. Mark pointed to something on my right, and I could make out a ray, gliding away.

This was going to be fun.

~

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that dolphin came so close to us Tom! It’s like something from the movies. And that school of sardines, they were so many of them! And how about that group of sea lions, and all that seals!” Mark gushed.

We were at the counter of the snorkel shop, and I was paying for the day’s activities. It was a very cool experience, and Travis knew all the right spots to go to. Based by the nonstop talking, I am sure Mark had a great time.

“Hey, thanks for everything man!” Travis shook my hand.

“Thank you for giving us a rad time!” Mark said.

“Hey, before you guys go, I know this is not my thing to ask, but um … are you guys together?” Travis asked.

I panicked. Travis had been professional the whole time, just asking friendly, but not too personal questions about us. I was about to tell him to mind his own business when Mark spoke up.

“Yeah, we are,” he smiled at me.

“Ah, I thought so. You guys look cute together, by the way,” said Travis.

“Thanks,” Mark answered. “See ya later!”

We started walking back to my car. I was still thinking about what had happened, what Mark said to Travis.

“Hey Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really …think that we’re together?”

“Oh, I just said that so he wouldn’t ask more questions.”

“Oh …”

“Tom, I … I don’t know what is going on with us,” we stopped walking and faced each other.

“Me too Mark …”

“I … I just, I don’t even know what to call you anymore.”

“Why don’t we don’t think about labels right now?” I said. “I like how things are right now.”

“Really?” he asked me, unsurely.

“Yeah. It’s just … us, right now. You and I. Mark and Tom. You’re fine with that, for the time being?”

“Yeah … I’m fine with that,” he nodded.

We reached the car and got in.

“Thanks for today. It’s been the best birthday ever.”

“I still haven’t given you your birthday gift yet,” I smiled at the thought of what I had in store for him back home.

“That wasn’t my birthday gift?”

“I am full of surprises Mark, don’t you forget that,” I winked at him and started the car.


	17. You’re cold with disappointment

Mark’s P.O.V.

“Can you please give me a hint?” I had been pestering Tom about my mysterious birthday present ever since he mentioned it. He just kept saying no, shaking his head and keeping that grin on his face. 

“You have to wait till we get home Mark,” he repeated for the fifth time.

“Can you drive faster please? I really want to get home,” I pouted at him.

“I’m nearly going over the speed limit here. We’ll be home soon. Now, shush!”

I crossed my arms, pretending to be upset with him. He just chuckled at my apparent annoyance at the whole situation.

About ten to fifteen long minutes later, we finally reached the apartment. As soon as Tom stopped his car in the parking space, I ran straight out the car.

“Fuck! Mark!” Tom yelled at me. I turned around to face him, running towards me. “Why the fuck did you do that?!”

“Do what?” I was jumpy from all the excitement, but I knew I did something wrong.

“Run away from me like that!” his eyes were bulged and his arms were flailing around.

“I just wanted to get home,” I mumbled, realising my mistake.

“Don’t ever do that again! You scared me! I thought you were going to leave me!” he was near hysterics.

“Okay … I’m sorry,” he took a deep breath and looked down.

“Let’s just go in,” we walked to his flat in silence.

“It’s nearly six. You want something to eat?” Tom asked me when he closed the front door.

“Yeah sure …” I still felt awkward.

He’s just so … fucking  _ **protective**_  over me. It strangles me.

And it makes him paranoid.

Both of us are in this constant cycle of feeling like we are losing control of ourselves.

We’re bad for each other.

“You sit down and I prepare your birthday dinner, okay?” he walked to the kitchen and I followed him.

“I wanna watch,” he looked like he was about to protest, but he nodded at me anyway.

“Whatchu making?” I asked as he took a pan out and placed it on the stove.

“Your favourite. Burritos,” he took out a packet of mince beef out of the fridge.

“You’re making me burritos?” I grew excited at the thought of Tom preparing my favourite food in the whole wide world.

“Yep. Wanna help since you’re here anyway?”

“Sure!” he handed me some ingredients to cut. I started chopping them as Tom cooked the beef.

From time to time, I would glance at him, reminding myself of how amazing he is. Soon, we were sitting down in the balcony, watching the sun fade away into the horizon while tucking into our burritos and a bottle of beer each.

“This is fucking delicious! Thanks Tom!” I said when I finished my first burrito.

“You’re welcome,” he had a satisfied smile on. We ate the rest of our burritos in comfortable silence, and when we were done, the sky has turned dark.

“Wanna watch a movie?” asked Tom.

“Fuck yeah!”

“Let’s clean this shit up first,” he pointed at our plates.

“Wait, is it an alien movie?” I groaned internally at the thought of watching another one of Tom’s weird movies.

“You’ll see.”

After we cleaned the kitchen up, (I learnt that Tom is not a slob) I sat on the couch while Tom put in the VHS tape in his VCR. He sat down beside me while the movie began to start. The all too familiar introduction played on his TV, and I turned to him with the biggest smile I could make.

“The Empire? We’re watching  _ **the Empire**_?” I couldn’t believe he remembered my favourite Star Wars movie.

“It  ** _is_**  your birthday,” he grinned sheepishly.

“Thank you,” I whispered as I quickly moved closer to him. Tom put his right arm around me, and I laid my head against his shoulder, my two arms wrapped lazily around his waist. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

“It’s nothing,” he whispered back in the darkness.

~

About two hours later, the end credits were rolling. I have watched this movie so many times, but it never grew old.

“Tom, I’m tired,” I complained.

“But I haven’t given you your present yet,” he turned off his TV. “Don’t you want it?”

“Shit, I forgot! The burritos and the movie distracted me.”

“You have the concentration span of a goldfish, Mark. Follow me.”

He stood up and I followed him into his room. He switched on his room light and shut the door behind him.

“Sit down on the bed,” Tom said.

I did as I was told, almost shaking from the anticipation. He went under the bed, and came out with a wrapped gift, about the size of an A4 paper and as thick as a book. It was wrapped with a UFO printed wrapping paper, with a white ribbon around it, tying to a big bow.

“Happy birthday Mark,” he handed it to me. “I didn’t get you a cake … Cause you don’t like cakes.”

He seemed nervous, like as if he’s afraid I will not like his present. But knowing it’s from Tom already made it perfect, no matter what it is. I carefully peeled the sticky tape out, trying not to destroy the handiwork.

“Did you wrap this yourself?” I asked. He nodded as he sat down beside me.

“You can just tear it, you know,” he teased as I continued being careful about it.

Finally, I managed to remove the wrapping paper without tearing it. I looked at what was in my hand.

“It’s … it’s … fuck Tom … it’s fucking perfect.”

I was holding a small canvas. On it is a black and white drawing.

No, not a drawing.

It’s a piece of art.

Tom drew me. I was on the bed, covered with a thin blanket as my bare chest peeked out. I had messy bed hair and a tired face, but I had a content smile, and I was gazing into the distance, presumably at Tom.

It is  _ **perfect**_.

“Tom, nobody drew me before. Nobody … has given me something like this …“ I was loss for words.

“So, you like it?”

“Like it? I love it!” I looked down at it again; knowing Tom put in a lot of effort into it is what makes it so special.

“That’s not all I’m giving you,” Tom said softly.

He took the canvas of me and the wrapping paper and placed them on the bedside table. He stared intensely into my eyes, and leaned in close. Our noses were touching each other and I can taste his breath. His placed his hand on my jaw, lifting my head up slightly and capturing my lips at the same time.

There was something different about this kiss. It wasn’t the usual fast, lust driven kisses I’m used to. He was taking it slowly; his lips were gentle against mine. It was very erotic, the way his lips were teasing me.

It was driving me crazy.

Tom pushed me down the bed and straddled me. His tongue slid across my closed lips, and I opened my mouth slightly, letting him entrance. He was still taking his own sweet time and my head had began pounding, my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest. His body was pressed against mine and there were way too much clothes between us and not enough skin. I could feel his hands roaming underneath my shirt, stroking my hipbones, making way to my nipples and stroking them lightly. I stifled my moans as he started grinding against my crotch, I could feel our growing boners underneath our pants. I lifted the hem of his shirt, but he suddenly put his hands around mine, stopping me.

“Slower, Mark,” he whispered. “Go slower.”

I nodded; gulping the big lump that had grew in my throat. Tom went back to kissing me, his hands still touching my body. I felt like I needed to do something with my own hands, so I thrust them into his dark hair, trying to get him even closer to me. Eventually, I felt like I was going to passed out, Tom stealing all the air from my lungs. Tom seem to knew this, as he pulled back from the kiss, letting me breathe as his hot kisses travelled down my jaw.

“Mark,” his voice was all hoarse. “I’m scared …”

“Why?” I could barely think straight now. I just wanted things to move faster.

He did not answer me. Instead, he lifted his shirt up and threw it across the room. I quickly did the same, fumbling with my hem, until Tom stopped me, slowly pulling the shirt out of my head. He placed kisses on my neck, gently sucking, leaving marks I grew to love. My breathing was growing louder and deeper, as his lips moved down my collarbone, my chest. He lingered at my nipples, slowly licking them, twirling it with his wet tongue. He continued kissing down my navel, licking my belly button. I inhaled sharply, as tingles flowed through my body. Finally,  _ **finally**_ , he reached my pants.

He took off my pants swiftly. His fingers went under my boxers, and he ever so leisurely pulled them down. My half-erected dick was already leaking with pre-cum, and it desperately needed attention.

“Tom … please,” my plea fell on deaf ears as he crawled back up and started kissing me again, ignoring my dick.

I quickly fumbled with his zip, trying to get rid of his jeans. I managed to pull it down his ass, and he kicked them off. My fingers were about to remove his boxers, but his hand pushed them up above my head, restraining them as his kisses went deeper. 

“I’m gonna blow you now,” he whispered sexily, and my eyes grew wide at the thought of my dick in his wet slick mouth.

His hand was wrapped tightly around my dick, moving up and down to get more blood pumping. Finally, I could feel the tip of his tongue tracing down my length. I looked down at him, his face full of concentration as his mouth enveloped the head of my penis. I threw my head back, my face contorted with pleasure as he bobbed up and down, his tongue circling around my shaft.

“Tom … God, that feels so good,” I moaned out.

I gripped the sheets beneath me, trying not to lose control already. He started licking my balls, his hand continued pumping me. My back was arched and I was moaning his name softly. Tom’s mouth left my crotch, as he hovered above me, his lips red and wet.

“What are you doing?” I breathlessly asked.

He reached over to his bedside table, grabbing the bottle of lube from his drawer. I realised what was going to happen, and though I was still sore, I never wanted him in me this badly.

He opened the cover, squirted some onto his palms, and started spreading around my dick, causing me to flinch from the unexpected coldness.

“Wait, what are you doing Tom?” I asked again.

“Shhhh … trust me,” he said.

After he spread the liquid around my dick, he took off his boxers and revealed his erection to me. He squirted more of the lube onto his fingers. He then inserted a finger into his own entrance. 

“Tom?” I was surprised at what was going on. I would never expect this.

I would never expect him to let me top.

Tom continued stretching himself, his face showing signs of discomfort. After he inserted three fingers in, he removed them and looked down at me.

“We need to switch positions,” he said in a monotone voice.

“Are you sure? Do you really want this?”

He nodded, though I could sense his insecurity. I sat up, and he laid down in the same spot I was before. I propped my knees against his thighs, my erection was brushing against his entrance.

“Are you sure Tom? We can stop. You don’t have to do this,” I never wanted to hurt him. I was fine with him hurting me, but I could never hurt him.

“Shut up and fuck me already,” he said, grabbing my lips for a quick kiss.

I looked down at his trembling body under me. He looked so fucking good, his naked body below mine. I just wanted to kiss every inch of his perfect body.

I wanted to fuck him badly.

“Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”

I guided my dick to meet the opening between his legs. There were a bit of resistance as I started pushing in, and I paused halfway to let him get used to me. He felt so good, tight and hot. Even when I had sex with chicks, it never felt like this.

It never felt this amazing.

“Are you okay?” he nodded, though I could see the strain on his face.

I pushed more in slowly, until I was fully inside him. I stopped, letting him stretch and trying to not cum in him already. I let out a load moan. I started thrusting in him, trying not to hurt him as I slid in and out of him.

I was loss in my own bliss, until I heard something that was out of place in a situation like this.

Somebody crying.

I opened my eyes and looked down, seeing Tom sobbing. I immediately pulled out of him.

“Tom, fuck, what did I do wrong?” he was trying his best to wipe off his tears.

“No … it’s alright,” he wept.

“I’ll stop. I’ll stop right now.”

“We … we just need to switch position. I’m fine, I swear,” he said as he sat up.

“No, let’s stop,” I did not want him to start crying again.

He ignored me, pushing me down the bed. He straddled me, and quickly slid me inside him. I groaned at the sudden tightness.

“This … this is much better,” he said as his hips moved up and down.

He leaned in, kissing my lips, biting my skin, as I started clawing his back. He was moving faster and faster, our moans were synchronised.  I started thrusting my hips too, matching up with him.

“Fuck Mark … you feel so fucking good inside me.”

“Tom … I’m … fuck, I’m getting close.”

“Fuck!” Tom yelled out, as his hot spurts went all over my abdomen.

His ass became even tighter as he rode through his orgasm, and that finally pushed me. My orgasm came very sudden and strong. I could feel my semen leaking out off his ass as I continued thrusting inside him. I screamed out his name loudly, closing my eyes tightly as my body started convulsing uncontrollably. 

Once the final waves died down, I pulled out of him and Tom collapsed over me. Our heavy breathing were the only thing I could hear. My heartbeat was still rapid, and I still couldn’t believe how intense that orgasm was.

“Tom, thank you. This has been the best birthday ever,” I whispered.

“You’re just saying that cause I gave you mind blowing sex,” he chuckled lightly.

“No Tom, I’m being serious. Best. Birthday. Ever. Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” he said as he kissed my lips gently, both of us starting to feel drowsy in our post-orgasmic state.


	18. While I’m drowning in the next room

Tom’s P.O.V.

“Don’t fucking hit us!” a laughing Mark yelled as I ran down the supermarket aisle, him sitting in the shopping cart like a small child. Just as we were about to hit the rows of toilet paper in front of us, I swerved successfully and stopped the cart.

“Again!” I followed his request and ran down the aisle again. I placed my feet at the base of the cart, going along with the ride. When we were about to hit a wall, I stuck my foot down and braked ungracefully.

“One more time!” Mark looked at me expectantly.

“No can do kiddo, we’ll probably get kick out,” I pushed him normally down the aisle, trying to remember what we need back home.

“What are we getting here anyway?” he asked as he scratched his jaw.

“Bread, eggs, bacon, milk, some meat. I don’t know, do you want anything?” I picked up a loaf of bread and gave it to him.

“Ice cream!” his eyes were widely opened at the thought of the sweet treat.

“Eh? You want ice cream?”

“Yeah! Neapolitan please!”

“Sure, we grab some,” we walked through all of the aisles, getting some things we were running out. I was looking at the toothpaste section, when Mark tapped my hand.

“Look,” he pointed at the wall opposite us, full of condoms, lubricants and pregnancy tests. We were dangerously running low on lubricants. I pushed the cart to look closer at our options.

 “Hehe, why would anyone want grape flavoured lubricant?” Mark asked childishly.

“Ever heard of eating a pussy out?” I laughed as he frowned at me. “Apparently, it can be an unpleasant experience.”

“I know dude,” he sighed. “Bad personal experience.”

I glared at the ground uncomfortably, not wanting to think about Mark with another person, yet alone a woman. A mental image of Mark’s tongue licking and pleasuring a woman appeared in my mind, and I quickly shook my head to get rid of it.

“You okay?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, whatever,” I picked the bottle of lubricant I like and threw it in the cart.

“Is this the one that we used?” he picked it up and inspected it.

“Yeah, it’s good for anal,” I said casually as I looked at the shaving cream section.

“How come?”

“It’s thicker. Hey, do you like the shaving cream we use?”

“The Gillete one? Yeah, I like it. Smells nice,” he answered. I threw a can of it in the cart, continue pushing him along.

About fifteen minutes later, we were standing in the checkout line waiting to be served. Mark was surrounded by bits of groceries, and I kept giggling at how absurd he looked.

“Stop laughing at me Tom,” he sulked.

“I can’t! You look funny like that!”

The woman in front of us scowled at Mark, pushing off her cart to the exit. I wanted to say something to her, but it was too late. I started placing the groceries on the conveyor belt.

“Hey, how you’re doing?” a voice forced me to look up.

I was facing a checkout assistant, her brown hair with blonde highlights tied to a neat ponytail, her dark eyes looking back at forth at me and Mark. A name tag told me her name is Jen, and I guess its short for Jennifer.

“Good,” I put it simply, not wanting to converse with her.

“Um, don’t mind me asking, but why are you in there?” she looked at Mark.

“Tom is being a meanie,” he playfully chided.

“Ah, I get it,” she smiled sweetly at me, and I hated how she looked at me, like she know me.

She quickly scanned our stuff and put it in plastic bags. I lumped them on Mark again, loudly groaning each time a bag hit him.

“That will be $102.50,” I passed her my debit card, typed in my pin, and took the receipt from her.

“Have a nice day guys!” she yelled as I quickly pushed Mark far away from her.

“Bye Jen!” Mark yelled back.

I huffed as I went out the sliding doors.

“Why the glum face?” Mark asked as I popped the trunk open, placing the groceries in it.

“Didn’t like her,” I said.

“Who? Jen?”

I nodded, arranging the bags neatly before closing it.

“Are you going to get out of the cart or what?”

“Help me Tom! Help me!” he opened his arms out, begging me to carry him.

“Get out yourself, fucker.”

“Come on, carry me!” he squealed.

I gave in, hooking an arm underneath his propped knees and supporting his neck while I easily lift him out. I was about to let him stand when his hand grasped tightly around my arm.

“Tom, I don’t wanna go home,” he said. “Let’s go to a park or something.”

“But your ice cream is going to melt.”

“Just for a while won’t hurt. Pretty please?”

“Fine,” I let him down and locked the car. “There’s a park nearby.”

Mark nodded excitedly, taking the handles of the shopping cart as he quickly skipped to the return section.

“It’s going to rain soon,” I noted as I looked at the dark clouds growing above us. “We have to be quick, okay?”

“Look, a playground!” he ran to the empty playground, already climbing around shit and swinging on poles. “Join me Tom!”

I shook my head as I sat down on a park bench. He continued playing by himself, occasionally calling me to grab my attention.

“Mark, we need to go! It’s starting to rain!” I shouted at him as I felt the first drops of cold rain hitting my skin.

He jogged towards me, and when he reached my side, the rain became heavier.

“Fuck, let’s go,” Mark said to me.

“Wait,” I held him back, something in me wanting us to stay here.

“But it’s fucking wet and cold,” he complained.

“So, let me warm you up,” I pulled him in, melding my lips with his. Our bodies were shivering, but his tongue, his mouth, his hands, were making me hot.

“Kissing in the rain is cheesy as fuck. I thought you don’t like cheesy things,” Mark smirked at me when the kiss broke.

“I don’t. But I never kissed anyone in the rain before,” I shrugged.

“So, how was it?”

“Perfect. Always perfect when it’s you,” he blushed, wearing a cute smile.

“Why don’t we take shelter in that?” he pointed at the playground, a little house cabin that looks like it could barely fit the both of us.

He held my hand and we ran towards it, already useless as both of us were already wet. He opened the tiny door, pushing me inside, and crawling beside me.

“This is tiny! Why didn’t we just run to the car? We’re wet anyway,” I said.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking,” Mark said. “Besides, it’s kinda romantic.”

“You call being trapped in a small house made for children that smells like dog piss romantic?”

“It’s not the setting Tom. It’s the person you’re with,” he climbed over me, straddling my hips and locking lips with me again.

I quickly pushed him back, trying to get on top of him. Ever since his birthday a month ago, I never let him be physically on top of me. Bad memories immediately sprung in my head, bad memories I wish to never experience again.

“We can’t fuck in a playground,” I whispered into his ear, blowing into it, causing him to gulp dryly.

“Who ever said about fucking?” he closed the space between us, and went back to kissing me.

When we finally went home, our ice cream was melted.


	19. The last contagious victim of this plague between us

Mark’s P.O.V.

“Let’s go to a club,” Tom said to me suddenly, interrupting our cuddling session.

“What? A club?” I was confused. Tom didn’t seem like a club goer.

“Yeah sure, why not.”

“Like an actual nightclub? With loud awful music and sweaty bodies, kind of club?”

“Come on Mark, you’re no fun,” he dragged me out of the bed, and squinted his eyes at me. “What do you want to wear?”

“Can’t I just wear this?” I sighed as I looked at what I was wearing. Band shirt and shorts. My usual outfit.

“No, no, no. You need to dress up slightly,” he rummaged through the drawer, trying to find something suitable for me.

“But it’s a fucking club, no one’s going to see what I’m wearing,” he threw a pair of dark jeans at me, plus a light blue button down shirt.

“They’re not going to let you in dress like that Mark. Come on, get ready. We’re going PARTAAAYYYING!” he sang at the top of his lungs.

~

“Do you think they let us in?” I asked nervously as we wait in line.

Since there are no nightclubs in Poway, we drove to San Diego for about half an hour until we found one. It is called Stingaree, and we were surrounded by girls wearing revealing clothing and macho looking guys. I felt out of place, and I just wanted to go home.

“Relax Mark, we’ll have a good time,” he smiled at me. I nodded, trying to convince myself that we could have fun at somewhere I will usually avoid.

I gave Tom a look over, really devouring every inch of his perfect body underneath his black button down shirt, the first two buttons undone to hint at what was hidden, his tight jeans that clung desperately to his butt.

He’s fucking adorable.

“You look good,” I lovingly said to him. How can one person be this cute?

“Because I’m with the hottest guy in this place,” he winked at me.

“Next!” the bouncer yelled at us when we reached the front of the line. He was huge, really big and muscular. His blond hair seems to be bleached, but it looked good on him. He looked at us suspiciously, and I gave him my most charming smile.

“Can I see your IDs?” his voice was low and gravelly, like he just smoked.

“Sure,” I said as I showed him my driver’s license. He inspected the card, looked at me, looked at the card again, and gave it back to me. He did the same to Tom’s license.

“I like your watch. Omega Speedmaster, right?” Tom asked the bouncer unexpectedly. I looked at him weirdly. Knowing Tom, he’s not the type to strike a conversation with a random person.

**_What is he doing?_ **

“Yeah, how do you know?” the guys asked, just as surprised as me.

“The watch was worn during the first spacewalk and was also the first watch to be worn on the moon,” Tom said casually, causing the guy to look at him wondering. “I’m a bit of a space fan …”

“A bit? You’re crazy about space!” I said.

“Haha, yeah. It’s a good watch though. You got good taste,” Tom continued.

This caused the bouncer to smile.

“Okay, you guys can go in,” he moved to the side and beckoned us to the closed door.

“Wait, how about the –”

“Let’s go Mark!” Tom pushed me into the dark room, my eyes trying to adjust to the sudden dim area.

I looked at the huge room we were in. There was a really cool bar at the right, bartenders flaring, showing off their skills. There was a huge dance floor in the middle with people dancing and grinding to some techno dance music the DJ was playing. Strobe lights were everywhere, nearly causing me a migraine. There were nice looking couches for us to sit down on, and I could see girls trying to catch their breaths from their raunchy dancing.

“Entrance fee,” I finished my sentence, softly shouting as the music surrounded us.

“Mark, don’t be stupid. We got in for free, now relax okay,” he whispered loudly into my eyes, placing his hand on my butt, squeezing my cheek firmly. “Let’s dance.”

“Ummm … Tom, I don’t dance,” he ignored me as he dragged me towards the dance floor.

“Wait!” I tugged his wrist. “Let me drink something first. I am definitely not doing this sober.”

“Fine, let’s get a drink then,” we walked towards the shiny looking bar. “What do you wanna drink?”

“Rum. On the rocks,” I said.

“Hey, can I get one rum on the rocks and a vodka tonic please?” Tom asked the chick who was behind the bar. She had piercings all over her face, her hair dyed a loud pink, her tight black clothing hugging her curvy figure. She nodded at Tom, smiling at him seductively.

I definitely need alcohol now.

“This one’s on the house. Enjoy boys,” she winked at Tom, and I could see her discreetly slipping a piece of paper with his drink.

“Did she just give you her number?” I asked, slightly annoyed, as she walked away to serve another person.

“Whatever,” he replied boringly, crumpling it and threw it at the ground. “Cheers Mark, here’s to a good night.”

We clinked our glasses together. Tom quickly skulled his vodka tonic, bringing the glass down forcefully on the bar, and he looked at me impatiently.

“Hurry up Mark, I want to dance already,” I downed the drink in one mouthful. I waited for the alcohol to hit my system.

“Hmmm, not sober anymore. Let’s go,” I allowed myself to be dragged by Tom. We slipped in the crowd, surrounded by sweaty people.

Tom quickly faced me, and began grinding against my crotch in time to the music, as his arms do this weird flailing about, probably hitting everybody around us.

“Tom, what are you doing?!” I said sharply, as my crotch grew hot.

“Nobody can see us, have fun Mark,” he said as he placed his hands around my neck, bringing his chest to mine, moving his body against mine as I stood there like a statue.

“But –”

“No buts,” he placed his fingers on my lips to silence me, his eyes were full of lust as he continued dancing.

Eventually, I joined him. The alcohol must have taken its effect as I grew more comfortable moving my body so wantonly in the presence of complete strangers.

Tom will sometimes grab my junk, his hands will roam under my shirt, just for a short while though, teasing me with his fleeting touches. He would whisper something to me from time to time, all done in his low sexy voice that he knows turns me on like crazy.

“You’re so fucking hot Mark.”

“Mmmm, you’re the hottest guy in this room.”

“I only got my eyes on you.”

After what felt like an hour, Tom’s energy has waned down, and so has mine.

“You want to get out of here so I can fuck you in the car?” Tom asked bluntly.

I nodded eagerly, all the teasing he has done for the past hour has brought me to my breaking point.

I need him right now.

Tom grabbed my wrist and dragged us out of the nightclub. We had to exit out via an empty alley, and the both of us were walking fast, just wanting to get to the parked car around the street already.

“Hey, hey faggots!” the both of us were suddenly faced by this short guy. His hair was really short, almost a buzzcut. His eyebrows nearly meet, almost forming a unibrow. He wasn’t the most attractive looking person, and the stench that was coming out confirmed he has been drinking a lot.

“Leave us alone,” I said huffily to him, not wanting a confrontation right now.

“So, who likes it in the ass, huh?” the guy continued following us, Tom’s grip on my wrist were becoming unbearably tight as he tried to control his temper.

Fuck, if Tom blows, this won’t be good.

“Just fuck off!” I hissed at him.

“Hey tall guy,” Tom looked at him with hatred. “You like it in the ass, huh?”

Tom stopped walking, let go of my wrist, and stared at the guy, almost challenging him.

“Bet you let your dad fuck you! Hahaha –” his laughter was cut short when Tom lunged at him, quickly throwing punches at his face. The guy crumpled to the ground, and Tom continued punching his body.

“Tom, stop it!” I yelled at him. Though the guy deserved it, Tom was hitting him mercilessly, no empathy at all for him.

He could kill this man.

“Tom!” I tried to pry him away, but he pushed me and I fell really hard on the pavement. I winced at the pain, and Tom looked at me in shock.

“Mark …” his voice was concerned. “Are you alri –“

Before he could finish his sentence, the douche on the floor threw a weak punch at Tom’s arm. This brought Tom’s attention back to the guy, and he continued punching him.

“Tom … please?” I begged, just wanting this whole nightmare to stop.

This worked as Tom stood up, kicked the guy a few times, and I’m pretty sure he cracked a rib or two. He looked at the man, and then picked me up in his arms, carrying me to the car.

We drove home in silence, and when we entered the apartment, Tom quickly ran towards his room and locked it.

I slept in the spare bedroom that night, listening to his cries.


	20. I’m sick with apprehension

Tom’s P.O.V.

I feel like absolute fucking shit.

I feel like I’ve lost every glimmer of hope and happiness in me.

I feel like I’m dying.

Ever since that night, I’ve been in a slum. I spent the whole night crying, beating myself over it, repeating what that jerk told me.

**_Bet you let you dad fuck you._ **

He didn’t know it will hit the wrong button. To be truthful, I didn’t know I had that in me; beating a guy up until he lost consciousness.

I’m scared.

Scared of who I become.

Scared of what’s inside me.

The next day, I refused to exit my room. Mark stayed outside for hours, begging me to eat something, to come out, to talk to him. I wanted to refuse his help.

I did not want him to see me like this.

So when a whole day passed with me trapped in my room, I sneaked out while Mark was sleeping and grabbed some food. I was tempted to check on him, but he might wake up. He might see me.

He might get disgusted with me.

A week passed, and I haven’t seen Mark. I missed him so  ** _fucking_**  much, it was starting to hurt. Every single day, I will hear him walking around the house, calling me to get out of the room, knocking on my door. I was starting to wonder why he did not leave me. He could escape from this hellhole at any point.

I can’t.

I’m bounded to this apartment. I can’t escape from the nightmares that every corner of this place gave me.

One afternoon, as I lost track of the days that passed, I was lying on my bed, getting sick from the stuffiness of my room.

I haven’t showered and I smelled horrible. This whole room is starting to stink up too. I was thinking about my father and the shitty situation I am in, when I heard him coming to my door yet again.

“Tom! I’m going to kick this door down if you don’t let me in!” Mark yelled while knocking rapidly.

I ignored him as per normal, sure that he will do no such thing.

“Tom, I’m being fucking serious! I’m going to kick this door!”

Like as if he cares that much about me.

“I’m counting to three. If you don’t open this fucking door right now, I will kick it, I swear to god!”

I suddenly freaked out over the door, so I quickly scrambled out of the bed and dashed to it.

“One … two … three!” I unlocked the door, flung it open to see Mark’s leg raised. Before I could stop him, he kicked me straight in the balls.

“FUCK!” my legs immediately gave in, my body was on the floor as I tried to not cry.

“Shit! Tom! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to kick you!” he kneeled beside me, his face panicked as I mumbled obscenities.

“Mark, fuck! This fucking hurts!” I felt like I’m going to puke at any moment, the excruciating pain was all over my crotch and my stomach.

“Sorry!” he yelped as he rubbed my back. “I just … wanted to see if you’re alright.”

“Just … fuck, give me a minute.”

After a few minutes, the pain reduced slightly. I moved my body and sat down beside him, being careful to not cause more pain.

“I was getting desperate! I haven’t seen you in days, Tom! I was getting so worried!” his voice sounded sincere enough.

As I stared into his face, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of affection. I missed waking up to this face. I missed smiling to this face. I missed kissing this face.

I missed him.

I threw my arms around him, desperately clinging onto him as I shed tears onto his shirt.

“I miss you so much Tom,” he whispered as he hugged me even tighter, placing kisses on my greasy hair.

“I … I miss you too,” I stuttered through my sobs.

Mark helped me get on my feet, my balls still felt like it’s on fire. He leaned in, wanting to kiss me, but I pushed him away.

I did not want him to kiss me when I’m like this.

He will get disgusted at how pathetic I am.

“Sorry, Mark …” I said my lame apology.

“Don’t need to be sorry,” he smiled, though I could see the disappointment in his eyes. “I’ll help you shower, okay?”

Mark took care of me from that day. He gave me a shower, got me dressed, fed me, tried to cheer me up.

But it wasn’t working.

He was doing his best to entertain me, to take care of me, and though I was grateful for him, I wanted him to go away.

Leave me alone in this stupid, dark state.

He tried to talk about the incident, but I shut him out. I stopped listening to him as soon as he mentioned about the night club, escaping to my blank mind instead.

That’s what I’m good at.

Shutting out everything around me, lost in my own world where I can’t be hurt.

As days passed into weeks, I was wondering why he’s still here. He could have left at any point. I wouldn’t fight back, or tried to get him back. I wasn’t in any mood for sex, or even kissing. I don’t even let him sleep on the same bed as me.

I just wanted to be alone.

And since Mark was lonely, I thought maybe that’s why he liked me so much. Because I gave him companionship. And since I couldn’t offer that to him anymore, there was nothing left in this place for him.

So, why is he still here?

Why does he care so much about me?

Why does he do all these nice things, trying to make me feel better, when I could never offer the same to him?

I hoped everyday he will leave me. It will be easier for the both of us. He can go back to his old life, and I can go back to mine. Forget this whole thing ever happened.

He could release me out of my guilt.

He could release me out of my sadness.

He could release me out of feeling hopelessly in love with someone I could never have.

But I think he knew if he left me, I wouldn’t hesitate to end myself.

Without him, I have nothing else in this world.

And he knew that.

So he stayed.

Why did he stay?

And one day, while I was sitting down and staring at my ceiling, I heard a laugh.

The kind of laugh that went through your body, shaking everything inside.

The kind of honest, genuine laugh that you want to record and listen to it over and over again.

The kind of laugh I missed.

I looked at the direction of where it came from. My eyes landed on Mark who was in the kitchen, preparing me breakfast. His face was tinged red, there were tears rolling down his face as he tried to hold his laugh in, but to no avail. He was clutching his stomach, the laughter beginning to pain him.

“What are you laughing about?” I asked, rather pissed at the abrupt disturbance of my peace.

He shook his head, pointing at the plate on the kitchen bench. My curiosity got the best of me, as I walked over to him. I glanced at the plate, and then I got even more pissed.

“You’re laughing because you made a dick out of my eggs?”

“I didn’t mean it! But, oh my god, look at it!” he continued his laughing fit, his whole body shaking up and down.

As I stared at him indignantly, the sounds that were coming out of his mouth were hitting me in my heart.

His laugh is just so beautiful.

Before I knew it, I was smiling. And before he knew it, I was laughing.

In the end, we’re just laughing over genital looking eggs.

Maybe there’s hope for me, after all.


	21. I’m crippled from exhaustion

Mark’s P.O.V.

“You sure you don’t want a bucket of popcorn?” I asked Tom. He shook his head, clinging to his packet of Sour Patch Kids protectively. “Okay, just don’t steal mine.”

He jokingly punched me lightly on my shoulder, the both of us smiling like idiots. We walked into the dark theatre, picking the empty seats at the back. Tom wanted to watch the new Batman movie, and I couldn’t resist anything by Tim Burton, so we drove to the cinema in the city centre after we had lunch.

“I can’t wait,” Tom whispered into my ears. He pulled up the seat divider between us, brought his feet up to his seat and leaned his head on my shoulder. He opened his packet of candy, and started popping them in his mouth. “Want some?”

I shook my head, preferring the bucket of salty, buttery popped corn placed on my lap. Tom looked peaceful and relaxed today, which was a good change from the past few weeks. Ever since that day when we laughed at the eggs I made, Tom has been getting better. He began talking to me, letting me be closer to him. It became my personal mission to make him smile and laugh every day, and a week ago, out of nowhere, Tom kissed me after dinner.

He took me off guard with the way his lips trembled slightly, how shy and bashful he was reacting towards my touch. All my pent up frustration was begging me to push him against a wall and attack him, but I knew I will just freak him out instead. When Tom ended the withdrawn kiss, he hugged me and asked me to sleep with him that night.

Ever since that night, we shared kisses and hugs, but nothing more. Tom became even more touchy feely, if that was even possible. Since we weren’t having sex, Tom latched onto me like a koala bear.

Not like I could complain, being close to Tom put me at ease.

The commercials they played at the beginning of a movie were ending, and Tom put his candy down and wrapped his arms around my waist. Tom’s needy behaviour only made me feel happy, not at all suffocated by his constant need to touch me.

“Are you comfortable?” Tom asked quietly. “Should I move my head, or my –”

“Yeah. Just watch the bloody movie, Tom.”

“I hate you,” he wagged his tongue at me.

“No, you don’t,” the movie was just starting, the Warner Bros. introduction playing on the big screen. “You don’t hate me at all.”

“That’s true,” he replied, his head finding the usual spot on my shoulder again.

~

“That was a rad movie!” Tom said for the tenth time over our pizza.

I just nodded my head at him. Something popped in my head when Tom was paying for our food, and it was biting me. I didn’t know how to ask the question without upsetting him.

“Hey, you’re alright? You’re not eating your pizza. You don’t like it?” his left hand was on my right kneecap as soon as we sat in the booth.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

“It’s … I got a question to ask you, but I’m scared you might get upset.”

He looked at me thoughtfully for a second, before he nodded his head.

“You can ask me anything you want Mark.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I trust you,” he smiled.

“Where do you get your money from?” as soon as I said that, Tom’s face became pale. “I mean, you don’t work, but you’ve been paying for everything …”

Such a simple question should receive a simple answer. But Tom is not simple.

Tom looked down at his food, his face still pale, and I knew I asked a stupid question.

“You don’t have to answer it!” I said a bit too loud, people around us giving me glares.

“No, it’s okay. My … my mom put money in my bank account every month,” his eyes were still down.

The next question I should ask is why.

Why would a mother give money every month to her 22 year old son?

There was more to this story, but I knew it would be a mistake to press him on.

“Okay,” I said, taking a huge bite of my cheesy, greasy pizza.

He finally looked up. I could tell he was nervous, so I smiled at him, showing the chunks of food in my mouth.

“That’s gross Mark!” he giggled to himself.

Glad that Tom is back to his smiling and giggling self, I continued eating my food, while making small talk to him. Half an hour later, we drove back to the apartment. Throughout the ride, my mind was full of questions.

Tom looked normal, other than his anti-social behaviour and his abrupt mood swings. As far as I can tell, he is pretty intelligent. He will not have a problem getting a job. And I know he’s not lazy, so it’s not the matter of not being fucked to work.

So, why does he depend on his mother for money?

Is he sick? Does he have something that he did not tell me yet, something that doesn’t allow him to work?

Tom parked the car and faced me. He opened his mouth, nearly saying something, but he closed it instead.

“Were you about to say something?” I asked.

“I got a question too. I think I know the answer, but I just want to be sure.”

“Okay …”

“Why didn’t you leave me?”

“Sorry?”

“Why didn’t you just pack up your shit and leave? All those days when you could have escaped, you could have gone back to your old life, but you decided to stay. Why?”

“Because …” I breathed heavily. “Because you needed me. I couldn’t just leave you.”

“After all I have done to you? After me kidnapping you? After me raping you?!” there were tears in his eyes, and I quickly wiped them off with my thumbs.

“I … I grew to realise that I need you Tom. If I left you, I will just come back,” I really wanted to say it to him.

That I love him.

Tom started crying, and I held him as he wet my shirt.

“Please stop crying. I don’t like it when you cry.”

When he finally calmed down, he looked up at me with his red, swollen eyes. He gave me a quick kiss. 

“I … I don’t know what I will do without you, Mark … thanks for staying,” he stroked my cheek.

I just smiled at him.

I don’t know what I will do without him either.

“I’m tired,” Tom rubbed his eyes. “Let’s go back.”

We got out of the car. Tom put his arm around my waist, leaning his whole body on me. I kissed his forehead repeatedly.

If I couldn’t tell him I love him, I will just show it to him.

When we reached the front door, there was somebody there, waiting.

Somebody tall, somebody big.

Somebody that reminds me of the person I love.

“Tom! There you are!” he shouted at us.

“Shon …” I heard Tom muttered under his breath.

Tom stood behind me, gripping his fingers around my arm as his face became white.

“Why are you hiding behind your friend? Come give your brother a hug!”

**_Brother?_ **


	22. And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me

Tom’s P.O.V.

Why?

Why now?

“Why are you hiding behind your friend? Come give your brother a hug!” he smiled at me, like everything between us is fine and normal.

He stretched his arms out at me, beckoning me to touch him. I looked at Mark, his big blue eyes staring at me, asking me questions I didn’t want to answer. I was still holding onto Mark, my breathing has gone hitched and I could hear the pounding of my heart.

I just wanted to run away.

I stepped hesitantly towards him, giving him a stiff hug. He was doing the whole brotherly act, which made me want to puke at the irony.

He has never been my brother.

He never stood up for me.

He just let me die while he watched on as an audience.

“I got home a week ago from the Navy. Thought I might pay my little brother a visit, and then I realised I never seen your place before. Got some beer from the shops,” he lifted the plastic bag. “So, are you going to introduce me to your friend?”

“This … this is Mark. Mark, this is Shon,” they shook hands, Shon smiling at my Mark, Mark smiling back.

Screw Shon and his outgoing nature.

“Nice to meet you Shon. Sorry, Tom haven’t told me much about you,” Mark glanced at me, like I owe him an explanation.

“Haha, it’s okay. Tom can be secretive about his personal life to outsiders. I think he’s ashamed of me, on the account that I used to change his nappies when he was a baby,” he jokingly whispered to Mark, earning a laugh from him.

As this fruitless conversation goes on, the pent up anger in me only grew.

Only  ** _I_**  get to make him laugh.

“You shouldn’t have come here Shon. I’m not good company,” I said stiffly, hoping he take his goddamn beer and his face away from me.

“Whoever said that? I’m here to spend some quality time with my brother. Are you going to let me in?” he asked, still with that blinding smile on his fucking face.

I gritted my teeth, plunged my hands into my pockets to fish out the key, and opened the door.

“Come in,” Shon happily walked into my apartment, into my life.

“Nice place you have here, Tom! Wow, can’t believe you live here for … what? Four years now, and you never invited me here,” his eyes wandered around before he plopped himself on my couch without even asking for permission. Mark sat beside him, while I stood awkwardly at the side.

“Dad got you this place right?” he asked casually while he twisted the cap of the beer top.

I clenched my fists at the mention of my father.

Shon should know by now that he should never, under any circumstances, talk about our father with me.

He’s opening up my old wounds again.

“Yes,” I tried to remain cool about it, but already failing with my chocked up voice that seemed forced. “Father bought me this place.”

I could feel Mark’s burning gaze on me as I revealed that information.

“Cool. So, how you’re doing Thomas?” he took a swig of his beer. “Anything exciting going on?”

I shook my head, choosing to stare at the floor instead, hoping to get this over and done with already.

“Now now, don’t be like that,” he faced Mark, offering one of his beers to him which Mark took. “Shit, forgot to give you one. Wait, so how do you get to know Tom?”

“Ummmmm …” Mark looked at me helplessly.

“Mark is my roommate,” I answered.

“Oh, is that so?” he looked at me suspiciously.

**_What the fuck is wrong with this guy?_ **

“You don’t want a beer Tom?” I shook my head. “Well, might have loosened you up a bit, but your loss.”

I swear, if he doesn’t leave soon, I will punch him.

“So Mark, what do you do?” he faced Mark again, already losing interest in me.

Typical. 

“Ummm … I work in a music shop.”

“Music shop, ey? Is there where you met Tom?”

“Yeah. We share the same music taste,” Mark smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back. Shon caught me smiling, and I quickly stared at the ground again.

“Ummm … we became friends, and I needed a place to crash, so he offered his spare room to me,” his lie came out so smoothly, it sounded believable enough.

Except Shon knows me.

He knows I don’t offer spare rooms to people.

"Ah, I see. So, how old are you?"

"26."

"Where are you from? You don’t sound like you’re from around here. What accent is that?"

"I grew up in Virginia. Only moved here a year ago or something."

"Ah, that’s why I don’t remember you. If you grew up here, I will totally know you, for sure!" and as he gulp more of his beer, with that smug smile on his face, I had had enough.

"I need the toilet," I stood up, quickly disappearing into the safety of my bedroom.

How dare he?!

How dare he just waltzed into my life like that, pretending we’re on good terms, talking to Mark like he is his old friend?

He knew the shit I went through, and he pretend he doesn’t. He’s still the biggest asshole ever to rub his success on my face.

He turned out fine.

I was the fucked up in the family.

I was the one father chose. 

Why me?

Why not him?

Why didn’t he do something to help me all those years?

I felt sick. I quickly ran to the toilet and started dry heaving over the sink. My heart rate was accelerating, there was sweat all over my body, I was shaking, I felt like somebody is choking me.

Great, just what I needed.

Another panic attack.

Mark’s P.O.V.

As soon as Tom left the room, the atmosphere subtly changed.

As I talked more to Shon, I learnt something. They may be brothers, they may share features, but they are definitely two completely different people.

I didn’t know what to expect, Tom number two?

Shon is easy going.

Tom is intense.

Shon is all about having a good time.

Tom is all about his moods.

Shon always smiles and laughs.

Tom rarely smiles or laughs, you have to earn it.

Yeah, Shon might be an easier guy to talk to, but he is just an ordinary guy you can meet on the streets.

Tom is different.

He’s special.

“He’s special, that kid,” Shon said, stealing my thoughts. “Always have been.”

“Yeah, he is …” I smiled to myself as I think about him.

“Hey, how long have you known him?” he asked.

“A couple of months. Why?”

“Just asking,” he sipped his beer, his face deep in thought. “It’s just that, Tom never had a friend before.”

“Huh?”

“Tom was always an outcast in school, he never made any friends, even when he left school. In fact, I think you’re the first friend Tom has introduced me to.”

“Really?” I felt strange at that thought.

_**His first friend.** _

“Yeah …” he looked at me intensely now. “Tell me something, Mark. Are you in love with him?”

“What?!” I nearly spurted out the beer in my mouth, but ended up choking and coughing on it. “What did you just asked me?!”

“I saw the both of you walking to the apartment, holding hands, leaning to each other. And the way he held onto you when he saw me. Hmmm … I can see it in your eyes too. I got a girlfriend, you see. I’m planning to ask her to marry me soon. The way you look at Tom is the same way I look at her,” he continued.

I did not know what to say.

Am I that obvious?

“Also, Tom looks at you the same way. Yeah … he looks at you the same way …”

“What?!”

“Listen to me Mark. Tom never loved anyone, not even his family.

Promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“Promise me you’ll take care of him. I failed to do that when we were younger, and it is too late for me to make it up to him. In his eyes, I am forever his enemy, forever against him. I failed to protect him from all the evil shit in our family and from other people. I could have done something, but I was too much of a pussy to do it. All I am left with is regret that I didn’t do my part as an older brother.”

I was stunned as Shon poured his heart out to me, a complete stranger.

“He pushed everyone away all these years, except for you. You’re special to him. Promise me you’ll take care of him? He have no one else in the world except you,” his eyes were begging me. 

“O – okay.”

“Good,” he sighed in relief. “You know, I always love that little bugger. But every time I see him, I just see hatred towards me. What am I supposed to do, right? My own little brother hates me, deservingly so.”

Tom walked into the room. I noticed the sweat, the pale face, the slight shaking.

“Tom, I better get going now,” Shon stood up and headed towards the door. “It was nice to see you Tom, and you too Mark.”

“It was nice to meet you,” I said.

“See you around Tom! Don’t get into too much trouble,” he waved at us and walked himself out.

I looked at Tom. He looked exhausted. 

“Come, you told me you were tired. Let’s go sleep,” I hugged him, placing my head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry about that. I never expected him to drop in,” he said with a strain in his voice.

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay now.”

I’m not a man to break my promises.

Especially if it is over him.


	23. This is the first (thing I remember)

Tom’s P.O.V.

“Ohhhhh, say can you seeeeeeeeeeee! By the dawn’s early lighhhhttttttt!” the idiot had shampoo in his eyes, and I wiped it off for him.

“Fucking hell Mark, you’re gonna scare the neighbours. Pipe it down!” I scolded him as he wagged his tongue out at me. I tried to keep a stern look, but ended up giving in, smiling affectionately at him.

It must be after noon, but Mark and I just woke up, both tired from yesterday. As the shower water washed down my skin, I was reminded of all the places Mark touched me last night, still slightly burning.

It was the first time we did it in weeks.

Memories flooded my mind.

Hot kisses.

Loud moans.

Stiff air.

Warm body underneath.

Legs wrapped around my waist.

Tightness.

Sweat dripping and mixing.

Scratch marks down my spine.

Wet tongue on me.

Screams of my name.

Writhing body, convulsing uncontrollably.

Cuddling, holding him close.

Euphoria.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I’ve never been this happy.

“What are you thinking?” I snapped out of my thoughts as Mark stared at me.

“You,” I smiled as I tilted his chin up, kissing his slightly opened mouth.

“So, whatchu wanna do today? Do you do anything special for 4th of July?” I scrubbed the bar of soap on Mark’s back, lathering it to a good foam.

“Fireworks!”

“Everybody do fireworks, Mark,” I sighed exasperatedly.

“How about you? What do you do for 4th of July?”

“Well, I usually pig out with as much food as I could at the park, then I skate to the high school to watch the fireworks, then I skate back and set off more fireworks at home and get drunk, you know, the usual thing we always do here.”

“What? Park? High school?” he said confused.

“Oh yeah, forgot you’re not from here. So, there’s always this lame fair at Old Poway Park, then the high school have a huge firework display at about 9.”

“Ah, okay. So, what do you want to do first?”

“Hmm, first, I want to kiss your cute face,” Mark slightly blushed as I pecked his lips. “Next, I wanna go buy some fireworks.”

“Okay, I can go with that plan,” he smiled.

~

“How about this one, Tom? How about this one? Wait, this one here!” Mark was running in the shop like a headless chicken, grabbing fireworks, putting them down, grabbing some other fireworks.

“TOMMY! I WANT THIS ONE! I WANT THIS ONE!” he ran up to me, holding a huge bundle. “It’s got everything! Buy me this one Tom!”

I looked at the price of the thing and could already see the money leaving my pocket.

“300 DOLLARS?!” I screamed at him.

“Pretty please, Tommy? I will be so happy if you buy this for me,” he pulled the biggest puppy dog face look I have ever seen in my life, and I knew I will give in.

I sighed as I nodded hesitantly. I don’t like spending money on unnecessary shit like this, but if it makes him that happy, I’m prepared to burn my wallet for it.

Heck, I’m prepared to burn everything I possess for his happiness.  

“Really?! THANK YOU SO MUCH!” he put it down and hugged me tightly. “THANK YOU TOM!”

I ruffled his hair, knowing he hates it when I do that.

“Come on, let’s pay for this stupid shit,” he picked up the fireworks, skipping his way to the checkout counter.

When I see that smile on him, I was reminded how pure he is, how untainted.

And then I get reminded of my dirty hands.

~

“This fair is lame as fuck. Why do I even go here every year?” I sighed as I bite into my corn cob. We were sitting down on a bench, watching people walking past us with similar foods in their hands.

“It’s tradition right? Seems like everybody in Poway is here.”

“And that’s what worries me.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to run into anybody I know.”

I suddenly thought about my family and wondered what they’re doing today. I know Shon and Kari are not in California. Shon might be in Washington or something, and Kari is living in Florida. Mother lives in El Cajon now.

I don’t know where Father is right now.

He has not been in contact with any of us ever since he left me that night.

And I don’t give a damn.

“After this, let’s eat some hotdogs. And pies. Ohhh, I love pumpkin pie. That’s my favourite type of pie. What’s your favourite pie?” Mark has been blabbering non-stop ever since I got him the fireworks. He’s definitely on a buzz right now.

“Apple. Hurry and eat your corn and I will buy you your pie, okay?”

“Okay! You’re too kind to me, Tom,” he took a bite of his corn, the yellow flesh getting stuck in between his teeth.

“Of course.”

**_It’s because I love you._ **

Mark seems to have an appetite of a growing teenager today. He wanted to try everything. He managed to drag me around to every food stall, trying out everything they had to offer.

“You really need to slow down,” I said to him as he wolfed down more deep fried food.

“It’s so fucking good though. Do you want some?” he stuck the half eaten deep fried Oreo at my mouth. I pushed his hand away.

“No thanks, I’m not crazy like you.”

“Your loss,” he shoved the Oreo down his throat.

~

“Tommy! I ate too much!” he whined for the fifth time.

Seriously, it’s like taking care of a child.

“First, no pet names. Second, I told you so,” I smiled smugly as he rubbed his stomach.

“How long do we have to walk? And why didn’t we take a car?” he bitched again.

“About twenty more minutes. And parking will be a pain in the ass,” I was starting to regret deciding to walk to Poway High School. It’s about forty minutes away if you walk from Old Poway Park, and since I did not want to bring the car, nor do I own another skateboard, and also because there was a huge time gap between the end of the fair and the start of the fireworks celebration, I thought walking will be a good idea.

Worst mistake ever.

“I feel like I’m going to explode soon. I’m going to poop out my body weight. I’m going to give birth to an adult. Be prepared Tom, you’re going to be a father,” he mumbled to himself.

I stopped in my tracks. Mark walked on for a bit, until he noticed I wasn’t next to him.

“Tom? You’re okay?” he was by my side, looking at me with such concern.

I looked at the ground, feeling sick.

“Hey, did I say something stupid?”

“No … I’m fine. I’m fine,” I insisted as I tried to walk, but my legs refused to move.

Just one word.

One word could cripple me like this.

“Tom, seriously, what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing!” I shouted at him, finding something in me, finally walking again.

Or running away.

“Tom –”

“Drop it,” I stopped him. “Just drop it.”

We walked to the school in silence, his words echoing in my head.

~

“Tom? Tom DeLonge?” that voice grabbed my attention in the busy high school stadium. As I turned my head, I could feel my stomach sinking.

I should have known.

This always happens.

“Hey. David, right?” I fake smiled as the really tall man walked towards Mark and I.

“Aw, don’t tell me you already forgot about me,” he noticed Mark standing beside me, who was looking curiously up at him. Up, because David is a giant. “Hey, I’m David.”

“Hi, I’m Mark,” Mark smiled, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

I hate it when he smiles like that to other people.

I want him to only smile at me.

I want to be the only source of his happiness.

I’m a selfish jerk.

“You’re a friend of Tom here?” what is it with people completely ignoring me when they are blatantly talking about me?

“Yeah. How about you?”

“David used to go to high school with me. He was in a couple of my classes,” I explained. Mark nodded.

“Hah, Tom will not want you to think I’m his friend. You must be one dude to be his friend,” he smiled at Mark. “Hey, I better get going. My girlfriend is waiting for me.”

He pointed at a girl standing a few feet away. She smiled politely at us. She looked familiar to me, and as I searched through my brain to find the connection, David answered it for me.

“Mel. She was in our year too.”

“You’re still going out with her?” I somehow recalled David dating a cheerleader back in high school.

“Yeah. How about you? Still single?”

I could sense Mark tensing up beside me.

“I’m … seeing someone right now,” I answered.

“Really? Must be someone special. Hey, see ya around okay, Tom? Take care. Nice to meet you Mark.”

He waved at us and walked back to Mel.

“What was that all about?” Mark immediately asked when they were out of earshot. We started walking aimlessly in the crowded stadium.

“Hm? Oh, I knew David for a long time.”

“And what’s with the whole friend thing?”

Should I tell him?

Am I ready for this?

“David tried to be my friend during high school. We share a lot of things in common,” I said carefully.

“ ** _Tried?_** ”

“I pushed him away.”

More like I’m not allowed to make friends.

But he does not need to know that.

“Why?”

“Because I pushed everybody away, Mark. You should know that by now,” I was getting irritated at the conversation.

“But … how about me? Why did you not push me away?” he asked, slightly worried.

“Because you’re special. Just like what David said.”

He smiled at the compliment, before it quickly turned into a slight frown.

“Wait, didn’t David said that the person you’re seeing is the special one?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you the same person?” I smirked as I could see him getting even more confused.

He is just so cute.

“We … we are going out??” he was panicking, his face turning pale.

“I did not make that clear to you? Sorry, boyfriend,” I grabbed his hand and swung it front and back.

“Boyfriend??”

“Is that too weird?” I asked, worried that I was too pushy.

“No … boyfriend is good,” he smiled and blushed like crazy.

What a dork.

“You make me so happy Tom,” he said suddenly. I could feel my heart beating faster, and I think he could feel it too.

“You make me happy too.”

~

“I’M SO HAPPY!” Mark is tearing open the fireworks bundle I bought for him. Lighting everything up in one shot, in a typical Mark manner. I sighed as I drank my beer, watching my boyfriend make a mess and a racket, disturbing our neighbours.

“Don’t hurt yourself!” I shouted at him. He looked at me and smiled, before turning his attention back to the firework he was setting up on the empty road.

Mark tried to convince me to join him, but I declined it. After that fireworks display in the school, I was pretty much over the whole fireworks thing.

I much rather watch him get excited over it all.

“You sure you don’t want to join me? It’s your fireworks, anyway.”

“I bought it for you. Go crazy,” I brushed him off.

After twenty minutes of sitting down and watching Mark light up more explosive shit, he finally sat down beside me.

“It’s all gone,” he sulked as he drank my beer. I wanted to protest, but I was too tired to snatch it away from him.

“You had fun today?” I asked.

“Yeah. Thank you for everything,” he smiled.

“Do you want to hear some history about America?” I asked, hoping he says yes so I could share with him my extensive knowledge.

“Urgh, no. You will probably put in some conspiracy shit,” I punched his shoulder lightly.

“Don’t you want to be a patriotic citizen?”

“I think I already done my part today by consuming all that food,” he patted his stomach.

“Aww, your stomach still hurt?” he nodded his head, probably seeking for sympathy. “Well, serves you right, motherfucker!”

“You’re such a horrible boyfriend!” he sulked.

He looked down at the asphalt, deep in thought.

I could already guess what he’s going to ask next.

**_Are we really boyfriends?_ **

“Are we really going out? You know, you and me? Like, actual dating?” he asked meekly.

“I thought you figured that out already. God, you’re slow, aren’t you?” I teased him.

“Hey, it’s not my fault! You never mentioned anything about us going out,” he pouted.

“Well, going by the things we do, I think anybody can see that we’re a lame ass couple.”

He smiled, and then moved his legs so he could lay his head on my lap. The street light behind us illuminated his face clearly in the night.

I wanted to kiss him for the rest of my life.

“You know, this is my first actual relationship, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I said, biting my bottom lip nervously.

“Really?” he did not seem to believe me.

“Don’t make fun of me, fucker!” I pinched his cheeks.

“I’m not! I just can’t believe I’m your first.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah … That makes me very happy,” he stroked my left arm, tracing the tattoos on my bicep.

“You’re so easy to pleased Mark.”

“I know.”


	24. Now it’s the last (thing left on my mind)

Mark’s P.O.V.

“Why do we have to do this again?” Tom sighed as he fumbled with the strings of his fairy wings. “We’re too old for this.”

“Shhhhhh!” I looked over the kitchen bench, making sure there was enough candy for the day. “It’s Halloween, Tom! Cheer up!”

He sighed as he sat down on the couch, clearly agitated that I somehow managed to convince him to wear the wings I got in Target, since he refused to put on a proper costume.

“You know, you could have been Princess Leia today. I saw a costume while shopping that will totally suit you,” I smirked as Tom grew more frustrated.

“So I could act out your damn Star Wars fantasy?! No way, dude!” he huffed.

I laughed. I couldn’t help teasing him today, especially when he looked like that. He had on his usual clothes, but with a pair of pink, sparkly wings that are meant for little girls. He told me a week before how he never enjoyed Halloween as a kid, so naturally, I decided to go all out this year. I got myself a Han Solo costume, which Tom just scoffed at when I was putting it on.

Whatever, he’s just jealous at how rad I look.

I walked over to the kitchen, looking at the massive amount of treats I bought that’s lay out in front of me, wondering whether I bought enough or whether I was going a bit overboard.

Ever since Tom told me we are dating, he has been more relaxed towards me. He slowly started to trust me. It started with him letting me take a short walk by myself, since he was complaining about how my smoking is stinking up the place. Then, after complaining how unfit I felt, he let me jogged around the neighbourhood.

And recently, he gave me a mobile phone, a copy of the keys to the apartment, and he lets me drive around in his car so I could buy things for us.

He even gave his money to me, though I have insisted that I could just find a job to support myself. He wouldn’t let me, saying how he will get upset that he has to see less of me. So, I guess we’re just living on his mom’s money for now.

It was slowly starting to feel like an actual relationship. A really messed up one where I am his girlfriend and he pays for everything.

Of course, he still gets over protective of me. He texts me every five minutes when I’m out to ask what I’m doing. The first few times was alright, but after a while, it was starting to get ridiculous. I confronted him one night about it, but he started yelling at me. He said he couldn’t help worrying about me. I told him I’m a grown man and I know how to take care of myself. At that stage, Tom began crying. When I comforted and calmed him down, he told me he didn’t want to lose the most important thing in his life.

I did not know it was possible for my heart to beat that loud when I heard that.

He promised me he will try not to be so over bearing. He reduced the texts, but he still gets jealous when we go out for dates. I learnt not to spend unnecessary time on other people. Tom wanted me for himself, and I could say the same thing.

As my eyes glanced around the room, I noticed that the place looked almost … normal. My things have overtaken his place. I recalled how there is a specific drawer for my clothes in his room. How the drawing Tom made for me for my birthday is framed and hung on the wall at my side of the bed. How there is a permanent toothbrush that is mine in his toilet (and which he complains about because I change it every month). How my ashtray is conveniently placed in the balcony for easy access. How there are magazines that I read, littered all over the living room. How there is a specific mug I use for my coffee every morning.

It feels like he is sharing his space with me, no longer just keeping me hostage.

Fuck.

I promised myself to not think about that.

I forgave him already for what he did to me, though I never told him that, afraid he will start crying because I know he feels guilty about it.

This is my life now.

Tom and I, living together, blissfully happy.

“You know that nobody even goes to apartments for Trick or Treating, right?” he said.

“We still gotta be ready, Tom. It would be a bummer if kids come up here and wanted some candy, and we don’t even have shit for them?” there was a soft knock on the door when I finished my sentence. I immediately ran to it and swung the door open.

“Trick or Treat!” a group of kids beam up to me. I could feel my heart melting as I took in their adorable costumes.

“Hi kids! You guys are the first group so you get all the good candy, okay!” I hurried to the kitchen, grabbing the best candy and plopping a good amount in each of their buckets.

“Thank you very much sir!” a little girl dressed in a princess outfit said. “I really like your costume. Who are you?”

“Han Solo. I’m captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you’re lookin’ for passage to the Alderaan system?” I did my best to imitate the scene. I was answered with blank faces from the children and loud laughter from Tom.

“That’s what you call an impression?! Haha!” Tom bellowed as he staggered to the door. “You’re horrible at it!”

“Shhh Tom, not in front of the kids. They think I’m cool.”

“Um, why are you wearing fairy wings?” a taller boy asked Tom. He looked about twelve, so I guess he’s the brother of one of the younger kids and is in charge of bringing them around.

“Because I made him wear it. He makes a very pretty fairy, don’t you think?” Tom turned a shade of red as the children began giggling.

“Don’t make fun of me,” he pouted as he ran back in.

“We better get going. Thank you for the candy,” the older boy said.

“Take care of yourselves kids!” I shouted after them as they walked away, disappearing down the corridor.

I walked to where Tom was and sat beside him.

“You really like children, huh?” he must have noticed the aloof smile I had.

“Yeah! Don’t you?” I asked.

“I don’t know …” he bit his bottom lip nervously, and I knew I was going into a sensitive topic for him.

Tom is comfortable talking about most things of his life with me. I think I know most things about him by now.

However, he will not talk about his childhood or his family. No matter how gentle I was to approach the subject, he will immediately clam up.

It hurts.

He knows everything about me. I told him about my failures in high school, all my stupid past relationships, all my feelings and emotions for the past twenty six years. But he does not feel comfortable enough to share a big part of his life with me.

What do I have to do to get him to trust me?

He’s still a kid, but I know he’s got problems. And I only wanted to help.

If he only lets me.

“I always wanted a family. Granted, my family life wasn’t perfect, but I always wanted kids of my own,” I smiled to myself at the thought of having a child. It bewilders me how I could possibly create something so pure and innocent, and how it is up to me to develop them into wonderful human beings.  

It’s daunting, but exciting at the same time.

Tom was staring at the floor. He was thinking, so I was waiting for him.

I have been waiting for him for months. I wonder when I will reach my limit.

“I think you make a great dad,” he said softly.

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah. I saw how you treated those kids. Your children will be very lucky …”

“Thanks,” I smiled, but it soon dropped as I looked at his posture. I could sense his sadness.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“No, nothing,” he tried to brush me off, but I know better.

“You know, I think you make a great dad too, one day.”

“Why would you say that? Are you planning on leaving me?!” I could hear the slight quaver in his voice.

“What? How did you get that from?”

“Because you said you want a family, right? That means you need a chick! Are you sick of me now, is that what it is? You’re sick of me cause I can’t bear your fucking children!” I tried to hold him, but he pushed me away, hiding his face from me behind his large hands.

“Whoa, I never said that! Why would you think like that?”

“If you want to leave me, leave me! I won’t stop you! It’s better for us anyway! You can have your perfect family and your perfect children with your perfect wife, while I can just die alone! That’s our destiny, right?”

“Tom, don’t say –”

“Shut up! Leave me alone! Let me rot and die!” he started sobbing. I kept quiet, waiting for him to calm down. It will just be a bigger mess if I aggravate him more. 

“Tom, I can never leave you,” I whispered. 

“Why? Why won’t you? You know it’s easier for us.”

_**Because I love you.** _

_**I love you so fucking much.** _

Three simple words.

So simple, yet I don’t know how to say it.

I don’t know how to say it because I never say it to a person before.

He is the first person to make me feel like this.

Why would I ever give this up?

I pulled him into a tight embrace. He was squirming in my arms, trying to get away from my grip, but I wouldn’t let him.

I wouldn’t let him go.

“I … I can’t give you children. You know that, right?” Tom mumbled. “And I don’t want to be a father. I don’t want to ruin another person’s life.”

“Why would you say that, though? You will make –”

“No! I won’t okay! I’m not fit to be a father! And I will never be one! You can’t change that Mark!”

“Okay … If you say so, I won’t pester you about it.”

“I’m just going to end up like my father. You don’t want me in your kid’s life, Mark.”

My eyes bulged as he said that. This is the first time he mentioned his father in our conversation.

Huh.

That’s what it is.

It makes more sense now.

His father must have been horrible to him when he was growing up.

I wonder what he did to him.

What type of monster could hurt this incredibly fragile person that I’m cradling in my arms?

“I want you in my life, okay. I’m too young to have a family now, anyway. What matters to me now, is you.”

“I don’t fucking deserve you. I don’t fucking deserve you,” he repeated, as he wrapped his arms around my body.

It turns out that Tom was right. Nobody goes to apartments for Halloween.

We ended up eating all the candy, wrappers surrounded us as we huddled close, me in my Han Solo costume and Tom in his fairy wings. 


	25. Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)

Mark’s P.O.V.

“I still can’t believe you know how to cook a turkey,” I said to Tom while he closed the oven door.

I told him last week that Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. I got a bit carried away and began explaining to him all of my favourite dishes. When I woke up this morning, I realised I was alone on the bed, and a delicious smell was coming from the kitchen.

I walked out, still in a groggy state, and stared bewilderedly at Tom. He was wearing an apron, smiling brightly at me while stirring a wooden spoon in a saucepan. He walked over to me, kissed me lightly, and told me to take a shower.

When I got out, I found him stuffing the turkey nonchalantly like he does it every day.

“It’s not that hard,” he scoffed.

“But your food is always delicious,” I sighed happily as I recalled the times when Tom will cook for me.  

“Thanks! So, do you usually watch the game or something?” he took off his apron and laid it on the island. He passed an open bottle of beer to me and I accepted it happily.

“Nah. I don’t like football,” I shook my head as I sipped the bitter drink.

“So, what do you do?”

“Well, I usually just hang out with my family …”

I grew quiet as I realised that this is the second Thanksgiving I am not spending with them. In fact, the last time I contacted any of them was during Christmas last year.

It’s not like I have a particularly bad relationship with my parents or Anne. I just don’t get along with them, or any of my other family members to be honest.

In spite of that, I still miss them. I wondered what they’re doing today. Probably what they have been doing for the past twenty odd years. The football game will be the main attraction, all the man will be huddled in front of it as they drink all the alcohol in the house. Mom, Anne and all the women will be cooking and gossiping. And there was usually me, outside in the backyard by myself, just waiting for dinner and everybody to leave the crowded house.

“Hey, you should call them,” Tom said in a gentle voice.

“Huh?” I snapped out of it as Tom looked at me knowingly. 

“I know you miss them. Call them. You haven’t talked to them since Christmas right?” he smiled encouragingly at me.  

“I don’t know …” I said unsurely.

“If you call them, you get to do anything you want to me later on,” he winked sexily at me, and strutted off to the living room. My mouth dropped slightly open at the change of mood.

Damn, this guy knows exactly how to persuade me.

“Anything you want,” he repeated, emphasising on his words.

I gulped dryly at the thought of Tom under my complete control. I started searching frantically for my phone and began dialling the house number. It rang a couple of times and I hoped that Anne was the one who picked it up.

“Hello?” the familiar female voice came out of my phone.

“Hey Anne, it’s me,” I said.

“Mark! Oh my god, where have you been?” she shrilled.

“Um, I had been busy,” I remembered how I made all of them promised to not contact me unless it’s an emergency. I just did not want to be bothered by them asking me every five minutes if I am going to find a proper job yet. “How are you? How’s everyone?”

“Oh, you know, everyone is here as per normal. Everyone is doing well. How about you? How’s California?

“I think I have become very used to it. It’s lovely here,” I smiled as I glanced at Tom, who was watching something on the TV.

“How’s your job?” she asked.

“Eh? Job is boring,” I lied smoothly. “Still looking for my big break.”

“Hey, you know I’m dating this guy right now who’s working for MTV. If you want, I could ask him if there’s anything available right now. Even if it’s a small little job, it’s a start, you know.”

“MTV?”

“Yeah. He’s an assistant producer for one of the shows,” I could detect the edge of smugness in her voice, and internally cursed her for having a seemingly perfect life.

“Ah, okay. Thanks for the offer, but I will pass on that.”

I refused to get into the industry via having some connections. I want to do it right.

“Really? Okay, if you ever change your mind, just tell me okay.”

“Okay. So, who’s this new guy?” I got interested in her new flame. Anne has dated many guys over the years that I lost count.

“Ah, his name is Chris. He’s amazing,” she sighed. “How about you? Dating anybody?”

I froze.

What do I say?

_**Ah yes, I am dating someone and the person is a man. No, I’m not gay, I just happen to fall in love with a guy.** _

“Yeah, I am …”

“Oh my god?! Really? What’s her name? How does she look like? How long have you been going out with her? Are you bringing her over for Christmas?”

“Jesus Christ Anne, calm down,” I could tell she is going to blab it to the rest when I put down the phone, so I tried to phrase it as carefully as possible. I walked to the balcony, sliding the door closed as Tom continued watching his show. “The person I’m seeing right now is … beyond perfect. We’ve been together for nearly a year.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?! I’ve never heard you sound this happy!”

“Yeah … I think I’m in love,” it was my turn to sigh now as I kept my gaze at him.

“Really! Oh wow, do you think she is the one?” she gushed. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so,” I smiled.

Is he the one?

Would I want to wake up next to him for the rest of my life?

Would I want to spend every single waking second, minute, hour, with the person who has completely changed my world, giving me joy I never knew existed?

Of course.

I would be crazy if I didn’t want to.

“Ahhh, I’m so happy for you Mark. My big brother has finally fallen in love. Hey, do you wanna talk to mom and dad?”

“If they really want to,” I said.

“Okay. I’ll get them,” I waited for a minute until I heard my mom’s voice.

“Hello Mark,” I was grateful it wasn’t dad. Knowing him, he probably do not want to speak to me after what I said to him when I left home.

“Hi mom. How are you?” I could hear how sad she is, hiding behind her fake happy voice. She missed me, I know that for sure.

“I’m doing fine. When are you going to come back home?” she cut right to the chase.

“I don’t know mom. I really like it here.”

“Even not for Christmas? Do you really hate us that much?” she sounded hurt.

“It’s not that. It will be very expensive to get plane tickets right now. And besides, I’m spending the holidays with someone.”

“Anne told me. Fine, if you want to spend your time with your new girlfriend, go ahead. But family will always be there for you, Mark!” I heard her hung up. I sighed heavily.

She’s always been like this.

I walked into the living room, Tom now looking at me.

“So, how’s your family?” Tom asked.

“They’re okay,” I sat down beside him and slung my arm around his waist. “But I want to forget about them right now.”

"How about this?" he asked as he tilted my chin up, capturing my lips with his and kissing me deeply.

~

A perfectly roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, cranberry sauce (again, homemade), a green bean casserole, cheesy baked cauliflower, caesar salad, and warm bread rolls.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” was all I could say when Tom called me to the kitchen, the food all laid out on the island, a lone candle burning in the middle.

“Come on, sit down,” he patted on the bar stool.

As we slowly consumed the food, I continued murmuring appreciative moans from the delicious meal prepared. Tom waited for me to finish my plate, him casting me weird looks at the amount of food I was eating. When I was done, Tom took my plate and chuck it in the sink, mumbling something about doing the dishes tomorrow. 

“Fuck, I’m so full,” I sighed as I sat down on the couch. Tom sat down next to me, looking amused.

“You don’t know your limit, do you?” he sighed as he cuddled close to me. “Hey, I was wondering, you know since its Thanksgiving, ummm … what are you thankful for?”

I smiled. The answer is so easy.

“You.”

He looked at me with his huge brown eyes, averting his eyes shyly as he laid his head on my shoulder.

“So, what are we doing for Christmas?” I asked, remembering the conversation I had with Anne.

Tom suddenly tensed up in my arms. I looked down, noticing his nervousness. 

“Well, every Christmas, I have to go and celebrate it with my family …”

“Does this means you’re gonna introduce me to your –” he nodded, cutting me off.

A brief silence ensued. The both of us deep in thought as we imagined what will happen.

“Who will be there?” I asked.

“Just Mother, Shon, my brother, Kari, who’s my younger sister. And Father …” he trailed off.

I always wondered why he called his parents in such a formal manner. It felt awkward and stiff, not in a loving manner at all.

Maybe he actually doesn’t love his parents.

“Must we really go?” I asked, realising how deeply uncomfortable he is right now. “It could just be the two of us, you know.”

“No. I have to go. I promised Mother I will go visit her every Christmas,” he said adamantly. “I just … don’t know how to face my parents about you.”

“Wait, you want to tell them about us?!” I started panicking.

“I think they could already figure it out as soon as you step in the door,” he furrowed his eyebrows fiercely, causing crease lines across his forehead. I started placing kisses on the lines, wanting to get rid of the tension.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” I assured him. “I will be there for you, okay?”

He relaxed slightly, his shoulders no longer hunched.

“Do I need to get them anything?”

“Don’t worry about that. Hey, speaking of Christmas, I just want to tell you first to not get me anything. Even for my birthday, okay?” he said.

“What? Why? That’s not fair! You got me something!” I protested.

“I just don’t want anything from you. Seriously Mark. Don’t get me anything.”

I sulked as I thought about it. No matter what he said, I already had plans for his birthday and Christmas presents. The guy just got to suck it up and accept my possibly awesome gifts.

“But why?”

“Because I have you. And that’s enough for me,” he smiled to himself.

Why does he have to treat me like I’m so precious to him?

Why does he have to make me feel like this?

I swore he could hear my heart beat, or maybe he is pretending not to notice how happy he just made me feel.

“Hmph,” I grunted, pretending to be annoyed when I was far from it. “Hey, remember that thing you said this afternoon?”

“What thing?”

“This thing,” I attacked his lips, kissing him fervently. He responded immediately, opening up his mouth for me while sliding his hands across my chest. Our hands roamed underneath our shirts, touching each other’s bodies that we grew to memorised. Tom started rubbing my crotch. I could feel myself getting hotter and as the minutes passed, it was getting more difficult to restrain against his touches.

I stood up and quickly picked him up, his long legs wrapping around my waist as my hands cradled his ass. Our lips never left as I tried my best to walk to the bedroom. As soon as I entered the room, my foot caught on something, causing me to trip. My first instinct was to turn my body around, so I would be the one to accept the fall, not Tom.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed when my back hit the carpet, Tom falling right on top of me.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Shut up and fuck me already,” I demanded. Tom listened to my request and kissed my jaw. I lifted the hem of his shirt. He got the message and took off his shirt, throwing it to the side. He leaned down and nibbled on my ear, trailing hot kisses down my face, finally connecting our lips together. His hands fumbled with my pants, taking them off hastily.

“Where’s the lube?” I asked breathlessly. He crawled away from me, taking the bottle from the drawer next to our bed. “C’mere!”

He took off his pants and boxers. I could see his dick growing in size. He pulled down my boxers, and started rubbing my aching penis. He locked his lips with mine again.

“Hey, I wanna touch yours too,” I said.

“Okay,” he started moving, leaving me confused. That’s when I see his erection hanging right above me, and the feeling of his wet slick mouth around the head of my penis.

Holy fuck.

I licked his slit, tasting the salty pre-cum. I ran my tongue down his length, causing him to shiver slightly. His skilled mouth felt amazing around me. We continued sucking each other off in this position, until I felt like I’m going to reach my climax soon.

“Tom … please. I’m going to cum if you don’t do it now,” I begged.

Tom let go off my dick. I heard a squirt, and felt the cold thick liquid around my entrance. I braced myself as he inserted one finger. I relaxed my muscles, having done it enough to know how to make it less painful. He added another finger, twisting them around to loosen up the ring muscle. He brushed the familiar spot in me, causing me to thrust my hips into him.

"Tom … Fuck me please," I said, really wanting him in me now.

He moved again, lining his body with mine. He quickly kissed me, before squirting more lube and spreading it around his dick. He looked at me, and I just nodded. I felt him inserting me slowly, stopping halfway to let me stretch. I gritted my teeth, before nodding my head again. I felt his throbbing dick in me, and I let out a moan as he started thrusting in and out. We began kissing passionately as Tom held one of my hand, his other hand pumping my own dick.

I felt his fingers tracing lightly on my palm. Little things like this makes my heart race. He always make it so intimate, so personal between the both of us. I always feel like we are the only people in the world, and no one else matters except for Tom. Soon enough, I was at my limit as I came in Tom’s hand. I could feel my muscle walls contracting around his dick, squeezing him tightly. This seems to be the last straw for Tom as he pulled out and came all over the carpet. Tom crashed down beside me, both of us breathing heavily. 

“There’s cum all over my carpet! How am I supposed to get rid of it?! It’s so obvious!” Tom complained.

“That’s what you get for having it black!” I retorted, causing the both of us to laugh.

“I think I am thankful for your hot body,” Tom said.

“You’re a dick, you know that?” we laughed even harder as Tom hugged me awkwardly on the bedroom floor. I could feel his body heat radiating, and it was keeping me warm in the chilly winter air. I pulled the blanket on the bed and wrapped it around us as I heard him snoring lightly already.


	26. An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)

Tom’s P.O.V.

I was woken up by him poking me repeatedly on my sides. 

“Tommy, wake up! Tommmmmmmmm …” he murmured into my ears. I rubbed my eyes roughly, blinking to adjust to the bright room, the sunlight seeping through the window.

I smiled at him, finding it unusual that he’s awake before me.

“Happy birthday,” he kissed my cheek, causing me to slightly blush.

“Thanks,” I resisted the urge to grab his neck and hold him tight, refusing to ever let him go.

“I want to bring you somewhere special today,” Mark said.

“Where?” I prompted, suddenly excited at the thought that Mark planned something for me.

“It’s a secret,” he smirked. “You told me you didn’t want a present, right? So, I planned a trip.”

“A trip can be constituted as a present,” I argued.

“Shut the fuck up and just get your ass ready,” he threw a pillow at me as he walked out of the room, muttering something along the lines of ‘stupid, idiot boyfriend’.

~

Mark has been driving along I-15 for three hours now. Everywhere around us was just plain, boring desert. He brought a lot of good CDs with us for the long drive, and as I had surveyed the back of my car, I figured we will be camping somewhere.

“You know, if you wanted to bring me camping, you don’t need to bring me all the way out here to do it,” I said when Kerplunk finished playing, Mark instructing me to change the CD to a new one.

“But, isn’t it exciting? We haven’t taken a long trip like this before,” he justified.

I must admit, it was pretty exciting. I guessed he was going to take me to a camping ground, though I have no idea why he wanted to bring me this far. I searched through my head whether there’s anything exciting along the highway, but nothing really pops up.

An hour later, with no sign of Mark stopping, I saw the huge sign indicating where we were.

“Welcome to Nevada? We’re in Nevada?”

“Yup,” Mark answered simply.

“Are we going to Las Vegas?!” I asked, wondering whether the camping equipment at the back was just a ruse. 

“Nope. Hey, do you need us to stop somewhere to take a break? I really need to stretch my legs and go pee,” he said in a strained voice, pushing up the pair of sunglasses that were perched on his high-bridged nose.

“Yeah sure. I could do with some food,” I could feel the emptiness in my stomach, noting that it has been hours since I last ate.

“There’s some in that black bag,” he pointed behind us. “There’s potato chips and fruits and what not.”

Mark pulled up at a gas station. He told me he will be back soon and I saw him jogged off into the convenience store. I looked behind me again, looking at all the bags packed.

Yup, definitely camping.

I picked up the black bag Mark pointed, unzipped it and opened up a bag of chips.

“Hey,” Mark said when he entered the car five minutes later. “It’s just a bit more driving, okay?”

I nodded my head, happier now I have some food to distract me. He pulled out of the station and continued driving on the interstate. We passed Las Vegas, and an hour later, we were still driving in the middle of nowhere.

“Do you even know where we’re going? What if we get lost?” I noticed the lack of a map in front of him.

“I memorised how to get there. And speaking of which, we’re nearly there,” he pointed at the sign as he turned left.

And that’s when I see it.

Extraterrestrial Highway.

This could only mean one thing.

I was at loss for words. My mouth was dropped wide open, my eyes staring at Mark in shock. He noticed my expression, and chuckled softly to himself.

“You’re … you’re … bringing me to –”

“Yup,” he nodded triumphantly.

I just continued staring at my boyfriend, biting back the three words that were dying to spill out.

~

I’m in love.

That’s the only thing that could explain this immense feeling in me right now.

Mark told me that after some intense research, he decided we should camp near the Black Mailbox. I was amazed at how he picked the exact place I reckoned will give us a higher chance of spotting some UFOs. I was even amazed that Mark did actual research on something he clearly have no interest for, just because of me.

Mark asked me if I wanted to drive to the border, and I said no. I knew it will be a waste of time, considering there’s nothing to see. Plus, I really don’t want to run into any of those Cammo Dudes.

By the time we found a good, secluded spot to camp, the sky was slowly turning dark. The weather also had drastically become colder. Mark passed me a bag, where I found a thick hoodie, which I happily put on. He took out a huge duffel that took up the most space in my car, which I assumed it was a tent. But when he opened the zip, I realised it was one of those camping cots that is meant for napping during the afternoon.

“I wanted to get a tent, but then I remembered you can’t see the sky in one. I thought about just getting sleeping bags, then I remembered about scorpions and shit,” he explained as he set it up.

“Fuck, where did you get all the money to buy this?”

“It wasn’t that expensive. And I got my own savings, you know,” he smiled triumphantly as he finally managed to get it to stand properly.

“You know scorpions can climb shit, right?”

“That’s why I got this!” he pulled a bottle out of the boot. I squinted my eyes, trying to make it out, until realising that it is insect repellent. “It is especially for pests in the desert.”

Mark started spraying the whole area. I find it adorable how enthusiastic he was about it. When he was done with the repellent, he grabbed a sleeping bag from the boot and began unrolling it on the cot. I started sniggering as I began to understand why he only got one sleeping bag for the two of us.

“Did you get a couple sleeping bag?”

“Um … I wanted to cuddle with you,” he answered meekly. He took out a thick blanket, a bag and a water bottle and sat down on the cot. I followed him, trying to find a comfortable spot.

“Are you hungry? I got more food in this bag,” he wrapped the blanket around us, and I could see the sun slowly setting down on the right side of us.

“Gimme!”

After the both of us had some food and drank lots of water, Mark passed me a pair of binoculars.

“They’re not the best ones, and it’s not really high tech, but you should be able to see your UFOs from this,” he said.

“No, this is great!” I commented as I brought it to my eyes and aimed it to the sky, adjusting the magnification levels. “It’s really good Mark, thank you!”

“It’s nothing, really,” he said as he lay down. “Come on, lie down with me.”

I did as I was told. Mark covered the both of us with the blanket, and I continued watching the darkening sky.

“Tell me some theories Tom,” Mark said. I looked at him in shock. Usually, he doesn’t have the patience for me to blab on about it.

“Okay,” I started telling him about Area 51, since we’re so close to it. I could see him at the corner of my eye staring intensely at me. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t really paying attention to what I was saying, but just the fact he was looking at me was making me happy.

I stopped looking through the binoculars and faced him, his eyes sleepily looking back at me.

“Happy birthday Tom. You’re so old now,” he whispered.

“23 is not that old. Not when I compare myself to you. In about four years time, you’ll be 30!”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I feel old just thinking about it,” he whined.

“Hey, when you’re 30, I promise not to make any grandpa jokes, okay?”

“Okay,” he said happily.

I looked through the binoculars again, pointing out constellations at Mark from time to time. My words keep coming back to me.

Will we still be together in the long run?

I hope so.

“Tom, I’m so sleepy,” he yawned.

“Go to sleep then,” I was determined not to fall asleep, just too pumped up to be at such an iconic place to feel tired.

“But I want to continue seeing the stars with you. It’s so beautiful,” he sighed.

“You’re beautiful,” I brought out lips together, Mark kissing me back lazily. “But if you want to sleep, go to sleep. I will make sure nothing happen to you.”

“Okay. If any UFOs pop up, make sure to wake me up.”

“Will do,” I smiled, kissing his forehead.

After a few minutes, I noticed him breathing steadily beside me. I looked at his sleeping, peaceful face and sighed happily. I brought the binoculars back up to my eyes and continued watching the night sky, determined to find a hint of extraterrestrial life.

And as the both of us lay under what seems like a billion of bright stars, alone on that desert plain, I was entirely certain of one thing. And as I checked that he was sleeping deeply and sure he couldn’t hear me, I let the whole world know.

“I love you, Mark Hoppus,” I whispered.


	27. Where do we go (life’s temporary)

Mark’s P.O.V.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I wondered whether I looked good enough to be with him. I had spent ten minutes styling my hair, shaved my stubble and also putting on the cologne I know Tom likes. I checked my teeth for traces of food, and after checking the dark blue dress shirt for lint, I decided I looked decent enough to be introduced to his family.

I walked out of the toilet, where Tom was sitting down on the bed, waiting for me.

“Fucking fina – wow,” his mouth slightly dropped. “You look amazing!”

“You think so? Um, isn’t it a bit too much?” I wasn’t used to dressing up, especially not on Christmas. I’m one of those guys who will wear his pyjamas the whole day, cause who gives a fuck, right?

But when Tom ran through what usually happens during his Christmas with his family, he mentioned something about dressing up nice. And as I looked at Tom, his hair neatly styled, his lip ring missing from its usual place, a white dress shirt and dark pants, I was glad I freaked out.

“Noooo! You look perfect,” he smiled. I still felt uncomfortable, looking at the distant mirror in the toilet, toying with my hair.

“But what about my hair? Do you think I should –“ Tom hugged me from behind, placing his chin on my shoulder.

“You look good. Now, stop freaking out and kiss me!” he pouted his lips at me, and I sighed, closing the small gap between us and lightly kissing him.

“We should open our presents now,” Tom said, looking over at the two wrapped presents on the floor beside our bed.

“Okay,” I grinned, getting excited.

Tom picked them up and placed it on the bed between us.

“You open mine first!” Tom pushed the rather big box at me, wrapped in silver with a delicate golden ribbon tied around it, forming a bow at the top of the present.

I pulled the strings of the ribbon, unravelling it and setting it to the side. Within a minute, a heap of wrapping paper was crumpled to the side, a red box with the iconic logo facing me.

I looked at him, unsure of what to do next. He nudged me to open the box. I lifted the lid up, moving the white paper and picking up a black shoe.

“It’s … fucking beautiful,” I picked the other pair, nearly salivating at how perfect the design is. I ran my finger down the stitching, in awe of the perfect construction. “Tom, thank you.”

“No problem. You need new shoes, anyway,” he began chuckling. I groaned when I remembered the incident of my old Nikes being trashed while Tom and I went to a small show by this local punk band.

I quickly put them on and started jumping around, giving them a proper try.

“They’re rad. I love them! Thanks Tom,” I kissed his cheek and sat down beside him again. “Now, it’s your turn.”

I gave him the small present. He looked at it curiously. He began unwrapping it. I was holding my breath the entire time, nervous he would not like it.

“What …” Tom mumbled as he looked at the white box. He looked at me, his face turning pale, as he pulled out the flap, to reveal a leather red box. “Mark …”

Shit, he doesn’t like it.

“Mark, what …” he gasped as he lifted the lid up, revealing the watch. Dark brown leather strap, the black dial, with the stainless steel case, it’s a beautiful watch.

“Mark … this is a three thousand dollar watch,” he looked at me, his eyes wide. “I … I can’t accept this.”

“You don’t like it?” my voice trembled slightly.

“What? No, that’s not it. I love this watch. But it’s too expensive for me to accept it! What did you do to afford this, anyway?”

“You don’t need to know …” I mumbled as I recalled calling Anne a month ago, asking her to help me sell my bass, my amps, and all of my equipments that I left at my parent’s house. It sort of broke my heart that I was doing that, but to bring a smile to Tom’s face, I will do anything.

Tom’s face is not smiling right now.

He’s frowning at me.

“Tom, just accept it. I know you want that watch. I saw the way your eyes devour that bouncer’s watch when we went to that club,” he looked down at the box, and I could see his fingers lightly tracing it. “And it suits you! I couldn’t help myself when I saw it.”

I could still see his hesitance. Trying to get him to accept it, I pulled the watch away from the box and slid it around his left wrist. I clasped the watch, hoping he will give in.

“The first watch on the moon, right?”

“You remembered,” he whispered.

“Of course I do. Now, do you understand why I got it for you? It fits you so well.”

“Fuck … it’s beautiful. I don’t even know what to say, Mark,” he looked at me, his eyes starting to tear up.

“The usual thing to do is to say thank you and kiss the other person,” I joked.

Tom leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

“Thank you so much. You have no idea how happy I am right now,” he kissed me again. Deep, long, lovingly.

That’s all I wanted to hear.

~

Half an hour later, we reached El Cajon. I was trying to not show to Tom how nervous I am. He drove up to a driveway of an average looking house. He parked behind a huge Jeep, which I guessed it was Shon.

“You feeling okay?” Tom asked.

“A bit nervous,” I admitted, underplaying what I actually felt. My first instinct is to run and hide.

“Me too. But it will be okay. I have you, and you have me,” he smiled weakly, trying to convince himself too.

I nodded. Tom kissed my forehead, and picked up the bag with the Christmas presents for his family. We walked to the front door, Tom ringing the bell. We waited for a minute, until a woman in her early fifties opened the door, wearing a dress that ended to her knees, her hair and makeup giving a polished look.

“Thomas, you’re here!” she exclaimed.

“Hello Mother. How are you?” Tom said, giving her a really short, awkward hug. I felt uncomfortable just looking at them.

“I’m good. And, who is this?” she looked over to me, noticing my presence.

“Hi Mrs. DeLonge. I’m Mark,” I shook her frail hand. “Merry Christmas.”

“Mark is my … um special friend. I wanted to bring him to dinner. You don’t mind, right?” Tom fidgeted beside me.

“No, not at all. Come in, come in!”

We entered the house. My eyes took in the handsome home. It felt warm and cosy, and I relaxed slightly. Tom put the black bag under the modest Christmas tree and we walked into the living room. I saw Shon sitting down on a couch, chatting to a blonde woman beside him. Shon was dressed similar to me and Tom, the woman wearing an elegant dress. When Shon saw me, a huge smile played on his lips and he stood up.

“Mark! Hey man!” he walked over to me and gave me a friendly embrace. “Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas Shon!” I said back. I could see Tom’s mom and the blonde woman looking at us curiously.

“Oh, you know Shon?” Mrs. DeLonge asked.

“Remember the time when I went to Poway to visit Tom? I met Mark when I was there,” Shon explained. “Hey Tom, merry Christmas, my little bro!”

He gave Tom an affectionate hug, though I could see him slightly pushing Shon away.

“Hey Tom. How are you?” the blonde woman hugged Tom, and he doesn’t protest as much as he did with Shon.

“I’m good. Mark, this is my sister, Kari. Kari, this is Mark,” Tom beckoned to the woman. I could see the slight resemblance between them now.

“Hi Mark. Nice to meet you,” she shook my hand.

“Nice to meet you too. I am so sorry for intruding on your Christmas with no warning at all. Tom just wanted me to come,” as soon as I said that, a slight flush crept up on Tom.

“It’s okay Mark. No need to apologise!” Tom’s mother insisted.

“Thank you Mrs. DeLonge.”

“Just call me Connie,” she smiled warmly at me. I was starting to like her. “Let’s get you boys something to drink.”

She walked off, to the kitchen I presume.

“Hey Kari, where’s Father?” Tom whispered to his sister.

She shrugged her shoulders. Tom gulped and looked at me worryingly.

I don’t know who this man is, but I was hoping he wouldn’t show up.

~

“This looks delicious Connie!” I stared amazed at the food on the dining table.

“Let’s begin!” she said.

The five of us sat down, Tom next to me. One chair was left empty. Just as we were about to eat, I heard somebody walking in.

“You’re not going to start Christmas dinner without me, are you?” a low voice echoed throughout the small dining room. We all looked up at the unexpected voice.

“Shit,” Tom cursed under his breath.

A tall man in his late fifties, wearing a suit, walked to the empty chair and sat down. His hair was greying, but he was lean and fit. Even with his age, you can see that he used to be a looker when he was younger. However, Tom didn’t look like him. In fact, the man looking at me suspiciously have striking cold blue eyes, very far from the warm brown eyes I love.

“Who are you?” he questioned.

“Hi sir. Umm … my name is Mark. I’m Tom’s friend,” I answered anxiously.

“Tom’s friend?” he repeated, now looking over at Tom. Tom was squirming in his seat. “Tom, you brought a  ** _friend_**  for Christmas?”

“Yes Father,” he was speaking to his plate, not daring to look at his dad. I placed my hand on his knee, trying to comfort him.

The man continued staring at the both of us. The air was starting to become tense and awkward.

“Let’s eat. We’ll catch up later,” Connie broke the silence. “Mark, do you want some ham?”

I nodded. Everyone started piling food on their plates, trying to ignore the stiff, uncomfortable atmosphere. I looked at Tom, smiling at him to try to calm him down.

His dad stared at me the entire time during dinner.

~

“Where have you been, dad?” Shon asked.

We had gathered in the living room to open up presents. Tom has been very quiet ever since dinner and I was starting to get worried.

“Work takes me everywhere. You know that, Shon,” he answered gruffly.

“Yeah, but mom told me you only came home like twice in the past year.”

“I’ve been busy,” he looked at Tom, giving him a look I didn’t like. “How about you Thomas? You’ve been quiet. How’s your life been since I left?”

Tom shot a panicked look at me. I began panicking with him.

“I’ve been doing okay,” he mumbled.

“So, Mark, how do you know Tom?” he turned his attention to me now, his cold eyes boring into me.

“Um, we met at my work place. We became friends after that,” I answered.

“Mark is living with Tom right now,” Shon answered happily.

Tom shot Shon an evil glare.

“ ** _Really_**? Living with Tom? In the apartment I got for you?” he stared at Tom.

“Yes, Father. Mark needed a place to stay, so I offered him the other room.”

We all grew quiet. My insides were uneasy at the situation I got myself into.

“Well then, Mark must be your  ** _special_**  friend, now Tom?” he turned to me, giving me a very dark look.

What the fuck is this guy’s problem?

“If you will excuse us,” Tom stood abruptly. “We need to get going.”

“It’s still early Tom,” Kari whined. “Don’t leave us yet.”

“I’m really sorry, but we need to go. Thank you Mother for the lovely food. Thank you for the presents. I will see everybody soon.”

Tom began walking briskly, holding my hand and dragging us out of there.

“Thank you for everything! Merry Christmas!” I shouted behind me.

We were about to close the front door, when somebody held it opened.

“Thomas,” his dad stood there, looking at Tom with a look I cannot decipher. “I will see you and Mark around. We need to do a play date, or something.”

He smiled at us. Tom’s hand in mine tightened at the confusing comment.

“You leave me and my Mark alone. You’re done playing with me, asshole,” Tom said darkly.

His dad started laughing.

“You can never run away from me Thomas. You can try to find yourself a replacement,” he looked at me briefly. “But you know you will come back to me.”

What? What the fuck is going on?

“Never in a million fuckin’ years,” Tom spat back, pulling me away from the door.

As I let him dragged me away into the car, I can see Tom’s dad smiling at me, waving his hand.

“What the fuck was that?” I asked as soon as I sat down in the passenger seat.

Tom didn’t answer me. Instead, we drove back in silence. When we got home, Tom quickly changed and got into our bed. I did the same, many questions still in my head. We got into the spooning position, Tom becoming the little spoon.

“I will never let you go Mark. You’re mine. I will never let him take you away from me,” he said for the first time since we left his parent’s house. “Never, ever, ever. Not in a million years …”


	28. After we’re gone (like new years resolutions)

Tom’s P.O.V.

Three hundred and sixty five days.

Fifty two weeks.

Twelve months.

One year.

It’s been a year since Mark has been with me. One full year that I have devoted my life to this wonderful person, learning everything about him, trying my hardest to make him happy. It started out bad, and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, but I intent to make it up to him for the rest of my life.

I love him, plain and simple.

I woke up, Mark’s head on my bare chest, his mouth slightly opened. I kissed his long tousled hair, breathing in his hair. I watched his eyes fluttered open at my touch. Mark yawned, rubbed his eyes, and then smiled at me.

“Morning beautiful,” he said, kissing me sweetly. I could taste his morning breath, but I didn’t mind.

“Hey Marky. How’s your sleep?”

“Perfect. How bout you?”

“I had a nice dream,” thinking of it now, I couldn’t help smiling to myself.

My nightmares have stopped. My dreams nowadays always consist of him, though I couldn’t really bring myself to tell him. Recently, I’ve been dreaming of that meadow. That gorgeous meadow where I nearly kissed Mark, before getting dragged away by my Father. I will be standing there by myself, until I see Mark and we both run towards each other. And unlike the nightmares, our lips will finally touch, and nobody is dragging me away from him. And he will looked up to me with those eyes of him, and whispered “I love you” so sweetly into my ears.

Yeah right, like I could ever tell him about that.

“What are you smiling about?” he asked me curiously.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Hey, do you know what today is?” I changed the subject quickly.

“Ummmmm …” Mark has a habit of losing track of the date.

“It’s the 31st.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve?” he looked at me, surprised.

“Yeah …”

“Well, happy anniversary,” he grinned widely and began attacking my face with kisses.

“You mean … um … you want to consider this as our anniversary?”

Wouldn’t it be kind of fucked up to set our anniversary on the day I kidnapped him?

“Of course. We met on that day, right? And you never really specified when you considered us to be dating. So, let’s make it easier for us and say this is our anniversary,” he explained.

“But, you know, I … I –”

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he interrupted me.

“But  …”

“Tom, look at me,” he placed his finger on my chin, bringing my face down to meet his. “I don’t care about it. I am just very happy we’re together, okay?”

I gave in. I nodded my head, showing him I somehow agreed to his reasoning.

“Hey, I have a table booked for dinner tonight,” I said.

“Ooh, where?”

“This lovely restaurant in La Jolla.”

“We’re going to La Jolla again?!” he sat up suddenly, his eyes showing his excitement.

“Yeah. We’ll have dinner, and then we can wait for the countdown by the beach.”

“What time do we have to be there?”

“Seven.”

“Good,” he smirked. “We have time.”

“Time for what?” my eyebrow shot up as he straddled my hips.

“Anniversary sex, of course!” his hands ran down my chest as he let out a cute laugh.

He raised his arms up in a celebratory fashion, while I got amused at his stupid antics.

“Let the sex fest begin!” Mark hollered, before joining our foreheads together.

~

“When you told me we’re having dinner, I didn’t think it will be a fucking romantic thing by the fucking beach,” he hissed at me, keeping his voice low so the people around us won’t hear him.

I laughed at his pout. When he gave me the watch for Christmas, I was so grateful I planned ahead and reserved a table for today. The place is called The Steakhouse at Azul. It is expensive, but people have agreed it is the best place for steak in this area. I reserved a table by the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the Cove, which I knew Mark fell in love with. I ordered Mark’s favourite bottle of red wine, which he sipped as he looked at me darkly.

“You didn’t guess anything when I told you to dress up?” Mark was wearing the same outfit he did for Christmas, his hair perfectly styled, that citrusy scent wafting from the Calvin Klein cologne that only smells good on him.

He shook his head, and then sighed, admitting defeat.

“It’s fucking beautiful,” he said as he stared out into the ocean, the blue waves crashing on the beach. The sun was slowly sinking down the horizon, blanketing the sky with a tinge of orange. “I wanna live here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t it be perfect? Being so close to the beach?”

“But all the houses here are million dollars mansions. Only the rich live in La Jolla,” Mark’s smile dropped slightly.

“Well, I can get a house nearby. It doesn’t need to be a house right by the beach. Just as long as we’re close to that,” he pointed to the calm waves.

“We?”

“Yeah,” he’s facing me now. “You. Me. Our dogs.”

“Dogs?” I perked up.

“Yeah. Cute little beagles running around our feet.”

“I want a German Shepherd!” I whined.

“Okay okay, we can get a German Shepherd,” he laughed. “And we can bring our dogs out for long, romantic walks on the beach …”

The both of us sighed at our shared fantasy.

“I really want that to happen,” I muttered.

“Me too. You know what, that’s what we’re going to do!”

“What?”

“You and I are going to move out of that apartment to a lovely house near the beach. I’m going to get a job so we can buy one. Then, we can get our dogs and –”

“Wait, wait, wait! What? Isn’t that a bit too fast, Mark?”

“Well, it’s not like it’s going to be overnight. I have to save up and stuff. It will probably take forever.”

“Wait, why are you the only one working? You’re making me sound like the female in this relationship,” I pouted.

“Well, that’s cause you are!”

“Says the one who bottoms most of the time,” I mumbled lowly. Mark jerked his head back and blinked a couple of times.

“Well, that’s just, cause, you know…” he stammered.

“I will get a job too,” I said. “I will get a job and the both of us will save up to move out of that shit hole.”

“You sure? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know. I don’t mind being the one who brings the bread back home,” he said with a glint in his eyes.

“Fuck you, Hoppus. I’m working and getting my own German Shepherd.”

“Okay, it’s a deal.”

I nodded my head. A waiter came up to our table and announced the arrival of our entrée.

“Half a dozen oysters, crispy pork belly and steak carpaccio,” he said as he placed the plates on our table. “Enjoy.”

“We will!” Mark said to the leaving man as he eyed the oysters. “You know how oysters are aphrodisiacs, right?”

“God Mark, do you always think about sex?”

“Can’t help it when I’m with the hottest guy in this place,” he winked at me as he seductively sucked the oyster he picked up.

“You’re killing me here, you know that?” I swallowed the huge lump that developed in my throat.

“I know. That’s why I do it.”

~

After that romantic dinner of Mark making suggestive comments throughout entrée, changing to talking about our future home together, before he switched the atmosphere and started whispering sweet nothings during dessert, we walked down the strip of shops, Mark tugging my arms to enter a store ever so often. We finally made our way down to the beach about an hour later, starting to become darker as we distanced ourselves from the lights of the vibrant town, sneaking our fingers together. We held hands and found a spot that is close enough to where the fireworks are starting, but far enough so that people won’t notice two guys sitting close to each other.

Not like I care what other people think, but it will totally ruin the night if some dickhead decided to shout derogatory abuse at us.

“How long till midnight?” Mark asked. I checked my watch, still in disbelief he actually bought it for me.

“About half an hour,” I answered. I observed the far right. There was a small beach party going on, a host echoing my words to the crowd.

“Hey, you know how we talked about moving out?” Mark suddenly asked.

“Yeah?” I looked to my left, taking in his gorgeous face, breathing in his scent.

“I was being completely serious, you know. I really want to live here, with you. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting bored of our current lifestyle.”

“Bored?” I started to panic.

He is getting tired of me, isn’t he?

“Not of you,” he noticed my sad expression. “I’m sick of living off your mom’s money. I feel guilty about it. She was so nice to me during Christmas.”

I tensed up beside him with the mention of that night.

“Besides, it would be nice to do this properly. Our honeymoon had to stop eventually, right?”

I looked at the ocean unsurely, thinking about what he said, letting his words completely sink in.

“What? What are you so hesitant about?” he asked in a gentle voice.

“If we were to do this, you know, the both of us working, living together normally, it means that shit could happen. I don’t want shit to happen to us.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe us drifting away. Then we’ll have all the problems of a normal couple. I don’t know, it seems like a better choice to stick with this private little world we created.”

“Tom, we’ll work it out. Every single fucking problem, I know we can get through them together. You bring out the better person in me, Tom. Look at me,” he nudged me. “Before we were together, I was some depressed, lonely fucker who hated everything. But now, now you taught me so much shit, okay. I want to be with you. Don’t you ever doubt that.”

I looked down at the slightly damp sand between us, our hands grasping each other tightly. I felt chocked up hearing that confession.

“If you don’t want us to move out, fine. But think about it, okay? You, me, our dogs, the beach, new jobs, new friends that I can introduce them to my perfect boyfriend too. A new exciting start for a new year. Doesn’t that sound lovely?” he looked at me with such hopefulness in his eyes, that I knew it won’t take long for me to give in to him.

I sighed deeply.

“Okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I want that life with you. But, just so you know, I’m fucking terrified of this. I’ve never done this before and I’m scared I will screw it up. I don’t want to screw things up with you.”

“You won’t, okay? Just …” he placed my head on his shoulder. “Just stay with me.”

We stayed silent, our conversation lingering in my head. As I think back to what Mark said to me, I suddenly decided.

This is it.

This is the time for me to say it to him.

“Mark, I want to say something to –“

“Alright everybody! We have thirty seconds left to the New Year! If you have someone special with you tonight, prepare yourself for your first kiss of the New Year!” the host from the beach party said through the speakers, reaching our ears.

“Oh my god, already?” Mark jolted up straight. I did the same too.

“Mark, I have something important to say,” my tone was urgent.

I have to say it now.

“Twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen …” the crowd started counting down.

“Tom, thank you for everything for the past year. I love every single minute of it,” he turned his body to me, bringing my face closer to his.

My eyes bulged slightly at Mark as he completely ignored me through the excitement.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six …”

“Mark, I …”

“Tom, shhh,” he cut me off by placing his finger on my lips.

“Five,” he whispered softly to me, in time with the chanting crowds. “Four.”

He lifted my chin up, hovering over my lips.

“Three, two, one.”

He closed the gap between us, our lips briefly touching when we heard the fireworks being released into the dark sky. We ignored the host as he shouted “Happy New Year’s everyone! Woohoo, 1993!” as our tongues slid with each other, our teeth lightly clanking as the kiss became deeper.

“Happy New Year’s, baby,” Mark breathed into my ears, sending shivers down my spine at the affectionate term he used for the first time.

“Happy New Year’s.”

I blew my chance to say it. It would be way too awkward to bring it up now, losing the moment already.

But when he joined our lips together for our second kiss of the New Year, I knew there will be many opportunities to say it to him later.

Mark.

I love you.

Even if I can’t tell you now, I hope you can feel it in the way I’m holding you, with the way I’m kissing you right now.

Because I can feel your love.


	29. Why is this hard (do you recognize me)

Mark’s P.O.V.

“Mark, I’m going out for a while!” Tom yelled at me from the room.

I was in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I just finished sharpening the knife I was going to use to cut up the chicken breast.

“Where you’re going?” I asked as he walked up to me, kissing me on my cheek.

“I need to get something,” he answered briskly. “Won’t take long.”

He smiled at me and I watched him walked out of the front door. I grabbed the wooden chopping board and the white meat and began cutting it to strips.

It’s been one week since New Year’s, and honestly, nothing much has changed. Except now, the both of us are actively looking for jobs. Tom even have a job interview tomorrow, and he’s been freaking out over it.

I’m so fucking proud of him.

I picked up the nicely sliced chicken strips and placed them in a bowl. I washed the board and the knife and dried them up, putting them back on the island so I could cut up the vegetables. I suddenly heard a knock on the door, which I presumed it was Tom. I ignored him, knowing he will probably attempt to jump at me or something. But the knocks became louder and more insistent with each passing second.

“Tom, open it yourself!” I yelled to him.

The knocks did not stop.

“Idiot, did you forget your keys or something?” I walked to the door and swung it open.

“Hello Mark,” cold eyes met mine, his lips forming a sinister smile.

“Mr. DeLonge?! What are you doing here?!” I grew uneasy. I do not like this man, and I do not want him near Tom and me.

“For the play date. Is Tom at home?” he pushed himself in, intruding into our home.

“No. But wait, I did not invite you –”

“Good,” he cut me short. “Then, this makes it much easier.”

“Make what easier? I don’t –”

He suddenly lunged at me, bringing his strong arms around my neck. I was too stunned to move for a second or two, until my instincts kicked in. I started thrashing really hard, trying to escape from the sleeper hold. He was exerting enough pressure to cut off my passage of air, and soon enough, everything was becoming hazy.

“This is what happens when you try to steal Tom from me …”

Fuck.

I’m slipping away.

~

Tom’s P.O.V.

“That will be $50,” the florist told me with a huge smile.

I smiled at her back, really happy with the bouquet of pink roses and baby breath, interlaced around the roses. An off white ribbon tied around the dozen of roses, forming an intricate bow. I did not want to get him red roses, because that will be way too cliché for my liking. Besides, his favourite colour is pink.

“Thank you,” I handed her the note. “It’s beautiful.”

“No worries! She’s one lucky girl!” she placed the money in the till.

“Oh no. It’s not for a girl. It’s for my boyfriend,” I muttered without thinking. I looked up at her, wondering what her reaction will be.

“Oh, really? Well, he’s one lucky guy!” she said, not dropping her enthusiasm.

“Thanks,” I picked up the bouquet and waved to her. “Have a good day!”

“You too!”

I walked to my parked car. Placing the bouquet gently on the passenger’s side, I couldn’t help but smiled the whole way time I drove back home.

He’s going to be so happy, I know it.

I’m planning to give it to him and tell him.

Today is the day.

I was kind of shocked at my own conviction of the situation. I just woke up this morning, watching Mark the whole time, and knew I have enough courage to do this.

Telling him the truth about everything.

About my feelings for him.

About the reason behind my worries.

About my past.

I reached the building, parking the car at the same spot. I looked at the clear sky, feeling optimistic. I whistled a happy tune while I entered the building, strolling down the hallway. The bouquet was in one hand behind my back, hiding it from Mark. Dropping the keys and cursing under my breath, I slid the key into the lock and turned it to the right.

“Mark! I’m home!” I closed the door behind me, making sure to keep the roses hidden.

The first thing I saw was Mark lying on the ground, his eyes closed shut. My face crunched up slightly at the weird scenario. Why would he take a nap on the ground?

“Mark?” I whispered, getting afraid something bad happened.

“Thomas …” a voice I never thought I would hear today grabbed my attention.

I looked to the left, noticing the unwanted presence. My mouth dropped open. I could feel my fingers losing grip of the flowers, and it landed with a soft thud on the ground.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! What did you do to my Mark?!” I started panicking.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

“Is that the way you treat your own father, Tom?” he stepped closer to me.

“Stay away from me!” my feet moved backwards, until I felt the door against my back.

Shit.

I can’t run.

I’m trapped.

Again.

He reached me, his strong body intimidating as ever as I cowered away from him.

“Let’s have a bit of fun. It’s been  _ **sooooo**_  long,” his voice was deep as he stroked my cheek. I was trembling, my body getting sweaty.

I closed my eyes, hoping it was all a nightmare, and Mark will come and save me.

When I opened them, he was still there, his hot breath on my face as I felt his fingers around my belt.

My hands moved, trying to push him away from me. His left hand suddenly wrapped around my neck, keeping a steady pressure as he held me tight.

“If you struggle too much, I might just walked to your Mark over there and have some fun with him. Do you want that?” he threatened, showing pure evil.

My eyes became wide as I looked at Mark’s crumpled body.

If he does something to my Mark, I will never forgive myself.

“Don’t touch him. Please …” the tears came down my face as I thought of the worst.

“Okay. If you say so,” I could see his smile through the salty water, that smile I hate so much. “Besides, he’s not really my type.”

He successfully pulled down my shorts and my boxers. They were hanging awkwardly around my knees as his fingers probed my entrance.

“Hmmm … You’re tight here. Wait, are you telling me you’ve been topping him?” he sounded amused.

I didn’t answer him as I swallowed the wince that was dying to escape my lips as I felt the intrusion of his dry finger.

“Who could have guessed that you could top a guy? He doesn’t seem like a bottom, too,” he talked to himself as he moved his finger around awkwardly.

I heard the distinctive unzipping of his dark pants. My tears continued as I felt his warmth near me.

“Now now Tom, don’t cry. You know you like this. Why do you think you’ve been doing this with me for the last ten years, huh?” he said as he licked my left ear.

I’m defenseless.

As I bit my lip at the growing pain, my sobs mixed with Father’s heavy grunts, I hoped Mark will not wake up and see me like this.

~

Mark’s P.O.V.

I don’t know what happened.

One second, I was in this dreamless sleep, and the next minute, I’m awake. I was confused and groggy.

Where am I?

I sat up slowly, my back felt uncomfortable from lying down on the hard ground. I felt light-headed. As I took a couple of seconds to recount what happened, I heard a sound that I couldn’t understand. I stood up slowly, seeing what created the noise, and felt my stomach turned.

I became alert as I took in the scene.

A beautiful bouquet of pink roses was crushed beside their feet. Tom’s dad is chocking Tom against the door. Tom’s hands were clenched into fists as his dad rocked into him mercilessly. I could see the tears, the red blotchy face. When Tom saw me, his eyes grew wide as he shook his head.

I felt my blood boil, anger and rage filling me up quickly. My body moved by itself. I grabbed the man away from him. He let out a shocked gasp, until I threw a punch across his face, wiping the smirk away.

He fell to the ground at the sudden abuse. I hovered above him as I punched the living shit out of him. I hear his grunts of pain as I refused to stop, my knuckles starting to hurt.

“Stop … ” he whimpered as I began kicking his ribs.

“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM EVER AGAIN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! IF YOU DARE LAY A FINGER ON HIM, I WILL FIND YOU AND DRAG YOU INTO FUCKING HELL!” I shouted as I picked up his weak body, opening the door and throwing him into the hallway. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU SICK PERVERT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN!”

I slammed the door, locking it. My body was shaking from the adrenaline. I told myself to calm down and comfort Tom. I turned around, trying to find him. He was in the kitchen, shielding his face away from me as he cried heavily. I walked to him, trying not to scare him.

“Tom …” my voice was still shaking. “Tom, come here.”

“Fuck off!”

“Tom, come here. I promise not to hurt you,” I tried to put my hand on his shoulder, but he immediately slapped it away.

“Go away Mark. I don’t want to see you,” his words stung, but I know I need to take care of him right now.

“Tom, please. Talk to me. It’s okay,” I kept my tone as comforting as possible, though all I wanted to do is punch someone right now.

“IT’S NOT FUCKING OKAY! YOU JUST SAW MY FATHER FUCKING RAPED ME!” he snapped angrily, finally showing his face to me. My heart broke as I observed his face, so full of pain and angst.

“It’s fine Tom. He’s gone. I’m here now. I won’t let him hurt you again,” I hugged his trembling body, before I was pushed away roughly. I tried to hug him again.

“FUCK OFF MARK!” he grabbed something from the island, and before I could register what he picked up, I felt a sharp pain.

Our eyes bulged as we stared at the knife plunged into my body. Tom’s hand quickly withdrew it. I heard him dropped the knife, his face now full of fear and intense regret.

I clutched the bleeding gash on my stomach. The deep pain was something I’ve never experienced before.

Oh, fuck.

This is going to hurt.

“Mark? Mark! Fuck! FUCK! MARK!”

My knees gave up and I fell to the floor. Tom grabbed me, his hands now violently shaking as he touched the wound. There was a pool of blood already forming on my shirt. The thick red blood that was slowly oozing out was hot and sticky. I looked at Tom helplessly as he began to cry again.

“Mark, stay with me!” he took out his phone from his pocket and brought it to his right ear. His left arm supported my head as I felt his hot tears falling on my face.

“Mark, don’t go …. please … stay … I love you …”

I don’t know if I have the strength to.


	30. I know I’m wrong (but I can’t help believing)

  
Tom’s P.O.V.

Some people said that when you’re close to dying, your whole life flashes before your eyes.

So, when you’re watching the person you love dying in your arms, what do you see?

For a second, I swore I saw flashes of him, smiling and laughing.

Then I snapped out of it, and saw him in my arms, getting weaker.

Dying.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Oh, god! Please, I need an ambulance!” I sounded hysterical.

I am hysterical.

My hands won’t stop shaking. My whole body won’t stop fucking shaking. I kept my eyes at him as he looked back at me weakly.

“Sir, what happened?”

“Please, he’s been stabbed. Please help him!”

“Sir, give me your address and I will dispatch an ambulance to you immediately,” I quickly state our address to the calm woman. “They will be there in five minutes. For now, I want you to stay calm and help him.”

“What can I do?”

“Place a cloth on the wound. That will help slow down the bleeding a bit.”

My eyes scanned the kitchen. I couldn’t see a fucking cloth anywhere.

“Is a shirt okay?”

“That will be fine. Is he coughing up blood?”

“No …”

“That’s a good sign. If he does start coughing up blood, make sure you sit him up so he doesn’t drown in his blood, okay?”

“Oh fuck! He can drown in his blood?! Oh my god!” I’m about to fucking lose it.

“Calm down sir, they will be there soon. Just talk to him, keep him awake.”

“Okay, okay!” I ended the call and slipped the phone into my pocket. I quickly took my own shirt off and bunched the material together, hoping that the pathetic attempt to stop the bleeding help him somehow.

Mark’s eyes were glazed and dimmed. He’s not focusing on me.

“Mark, please stay awake! Stay with me! I love you, okay? I love you so fucking much! Don’t fucking leave me! Don’t go! Mark? Say something, please? Say anything? Please!”

“Tom … I love you too …” his voice was so fucking weak, it scared me.

It fucking scared me how fragile he looked in my arms.

“I’m so sorry for this. I’m so fucking sorry! I love you Mark!” his eyes closed for a second, until I slapped him gently on the face to wake him up. “Mark?! Don’t fucking go! Mark, remember our house, our dogs?! I will get them for you, okay? I will get everything for you! Just stay with me! Mark?! You want kids, right?! We can adopt! We can have a family, okay! We can have everything, just stay with me! Just fucking stay with me!”

“Tom …” his face scrunched up in pain, and he winced sharply.

“Godammit, Mark! I love you! I love you so fucking much! Don’t go! If you go, I have no one else. Please Mark? Please …”

Urgent knocks on the door.

“Hello! We are the paramedics! Please open the door!”

I kissed his forehead, placing him as gently as I can on the ground. I quickly ran to the door and opened it. I pointed at Mark, and they immediately set up a stretcher. Two men lift him up.

“Please, save him!” I begged as I followed them out, into the ambulance waiting outside.

“Save him. He’s all I got …”

~

The ten minutes drive to the local hospital was the longest ten minutes of my life.

I cried the whole time, clutching desperately to Mark’s hand as one of the paramedic tried to calm me down.

When we finally arrived, they quickly rolled him to the ER. They told me to stay in the waiting room. I kicked one of the chairs in frustration, and then broke down, trying to stifle my cries.

A nurse walked up to me, giving me a sympathetic look. She placed a clean towel and a plain white shirt beside me. I nodded at her. Looking at my hands stained with his blood and my bare chest, I realised I must look crazy right now. I took the towel and the shirt and walked to the toilet.

I looked like a mess, a complete fucking mess. I rinsed my hands under the tap, the diluted blood going down the drain. I washed my face and stared at my reflection, taking in the red-rimmed eyes. Drying myself off, I put on the way too big shirt. Slinging the towel around my neck, I walked out and sat down in the waiting area.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

The clock hung on the wall; I couldn’t stop staring at it. The hands seemed to pass by slowly as I waited for somebody to come out from those doors and tell me the news.

Good news.

Please.

Good news.

An hour later, a woman in her late forties walked towards me, wearing hospital scrubs. I stood up immediately, trembling slightly as I tried to control my emotions.

“Hello. Were you the one who accompanied the young man with the stab wound?” her face was hard to read, I didn’t know what she was going to tell me.

“Yes! Is Mark okay?”

I held my breath.

Tell me he’s okay.

Tell me he’s fine.

Tell me he will be with me.

“Mark is in a stable condition. Luckily for him, the knife didn’t penetrate any internal organs, so there was no internal damage. He lost quite a lot of blood though. We gave him stitches and strong painkillers to help with the pain. He’s resting in a room right now.”

It took me a while to process what she said. When I did, I started crying again, a big smile on my face.

He’s okay!

Fuck, he’s fucking okay!

“You look tired. Why don’t I show you where Mark is and you can rest?” I nodded my head eagerly.

I followed her along hallways, up an elevator, until I see him through a window in the ward. He was the only one in there. His eyes were shut, his breathing steady and not snagged like it was before. He was hooked up to an IV and his face is paler than his usual shade.

But he’s alive.

I sat down on the chair next to him, reaching out for his right hand and rubbing the crook of his soft skin.

“I’m so sorry baby …”

~

Life without Mark.

That’s what I dreamt about.

It was lonely, unbearably lonely.

Dark and fucking lonely.

My body felt stiff at the uncomfortable position I’m in. As I tried to sit up straight, I was still holding his hand. My eyes travelled to his face, assuming he’s still asleep.

He’s awake.

“Mark!” I gripped his hand even tighter, so happy to see him.

“Hey Tom,” he smiled at me sadly.

“Mark, I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t even know what happened. I couldn’t stop myself. Please, I know you’re mad at me and I understand that, but please, please, forgive me eventually?” I begged, nearly going down on my knees.

“Tom …” his voice wavered slightly.

“I will never forgive myself, you know that? I hurt the one person I never want to hurt and I don’t know how to live with that. I know you must hate me right now, but please Mark, please –”

“Tom, stop talking and listen to me,” my ramblings stopped as I noticed how serious he looked.

“Okay …”

“The doctor came here just now and was asking me questions. How I got stabbed and everything …”

And that’s when I realised it.

I’m going to fucking jail.

“You told them … about me? How I hurt you?” my face dropped as I began to accept the consequences.

“No.”

“What?”

“I … I told her that it was a suicide attempt,” he averted his eyes, looking away from me.

“What?”

He took a deep breath, now looking intently into my eyes.

He looked so fucking sad.

Why?

“It was the only way I could explain this without involving you. I think she was very suspicious of you, and I don’t think she really trust my story. But I called Anne this morning and explained to her what happened and she talked to the doctor. Ha, funny how it’s not a surprise to my own family if I was to take my own life …”

“But Mark, you didn’t! I was the one who –”

“Tom, it’s okay. I probably need to go to a therapist after this or something. It’s no big deal.”

I couldn’t believe it.

He protected me, when I failed to.

I kissed his knuckles, the hot tears were prickling in my closed eyes.

“Mark …”

“Tom, when I get out of this hospital, I’m flying back to my family,” I opened my eyes, staring at him as he stared down at the thin hospital sheets.

“What?”

“They want to take care of me, and honestly, I sort of missed them …”

“Oh, okay. When are you coming back? A week or two?”

“Tom … I don’t think I’m coming back …”

My heart stopped.

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m thinking … that … maybe, it’s best for me to move back into my parent’s place for a while. I need to figure out some things …”

“Then, after that? After you figure it all out? Will you come back? Come back … and see me?” my voice was beginning to shake again.

No.

Don’t Mark.

Don’t do this to me.

He slowly shook his head. It began to sink in.

He’s leaving me.

He’s not coming back.

Not after how I treated him.          

I started crying in front of him. I could see him holding back his tears, but I didn’t.

“But Mark … I love you … I thought you love me too …” my throat felt hot as I said those words.

Such pathetic words.

“I do Tom. I love you. But … we’re not healthy for each other. Not right now. Not when we’re like this …”

“Mark, please, I need you. I don’t think … fuck, I don’t think I can do this without you!”

“Tom, come here,” he pulled me up, hugging my neck. I control my crying as I breathe his familiar scent, as I felt his familiar touch. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

“W … what?”

“Promise me you won’t … you won’t hurt yourself because of me, okay? I don’t want you to do that to yourself. It upsets me to think if you’re hurting yourself. So, promise me. Promise me you will be okay.”

He knows.

He knows about every fucking thing about me, even when I didn’t explain it to him.

“Mark, how am I supposed to be okay if you’re not with me?” he released his arms and I sat down.

“I trust you, okay? I trust you that you can find help when you need help. Don’t just let it eat you and affect your relationship with people, Tom.”

He fucking understands.

He’s the only one who tried to understand me.

Why?

Why is he leaving me?

“Promise me you’ll find help. Promise me you’ll get better. Promise me you’ll be okay.

For me, Tom? For me?”

I nodded my head heavily.

“Okay. I promise. Just for you.”

We stayed silent as Mark held my hand while I mulled things over.

This will be the last time.

I have to let him go.

“I’ll pack your things and bring it here tomorrow, okay?” I said.

“Just leave it at the reception, Tom. You don’t have to come up here and see me again.”

Hearing that nearly brought me to tears again, but I know it’s for the best.

He’s taking care of me. He knew if I were to see him, it will just set me off.

I have to leave now, before I start crying in front of him.

Before I beg him to stay.

“I better go,” I whispered.

Mark nodded. I squeezed his hand for the last time, stood up, and was about to move my legs when Mark grabbed my wrist. I turned my head and faced him, even though I didn’t want to.

“Take care Tom,” he smiled pathetically at me. “I love you.”

He is perfect.

He is the reason behind my happiness.

And he is letting me go so he can find his own happiness without me.

I owe him that much.

I owe him that much to let him be happy.

“I love you more. More than you will ever know,” I whispered back.

I walked out of the ward, forcing myself to not look back. If I did, I will run back to him and beg him to take me back. As soon as I turned into another hallway, the tears I was fighting back came crashing down.

Nobody really paid attention as I crashed into a corner and started crying, my body heaving up and down, the hands on my face shaking desperately.

We’re done.

It’s over.

And I did it.

I knew something like this might happen one day, but I was hoping it never would.

I was praying it will never end.

Looking back at it, I found my thinking so naive and ironic.

How can a guy like me, who never deserved any form of happiness or love before, how did I think that this happiness I felt could be permanent?

Good things never happen to me.

I have to remind myself that.

Eventually, the tears subdued. I felt exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

I wanted to curl up in my bed and die.

I wanted to claw my skin and let it bleed.

I wanted to end it all.

But I won’t.

I promised him.

I forced myself to walk, walk away from him. With every step, it was getting heavier. When I exited the hospital doors, I noticed the grey sky, so stark in comparison to yesterday.

I began walking.

I heard thunder. I didn’t care. Not when the first drops of cold rain touched my skin. Not when the rain progressively became heavier.

I found an overhang along a row of empty shops where I thought I could wait for the rain to stop.

I lost him.

I fucking lost him.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

I stopped crying. I don’t have enough energy to cry anymore. I just stared at the heavy rain as it hits the pavement.

The sky is crying for me.


	31. Epilogue

Tom’s P.O.V.

The day was slow. Even slower than it usually is. The sun is relentlessly hot. I can even feel in it the room I’m in, making me sweat in my long shirt. This is supposed to be fucking winter? I really should have just worn a normal shirt in this stupid weather, but I don’t think the parents of the kids in my class will really appreciate their children’s education being taught by a man with colourful tattoos down his arm.

“Mr. DeLonge?” a small girl with long blonde hair tied into a high ponytail raised her hand.

“Yes Katie?”

“Do stars really last forever?” her eyes were wide with curiosity, just like every single child in the room.

I smiled as the kids get interested at the question prompted at me.

I really love this part of the curriculum the most. It’s what I’m good at.

“Well, stars take millions and millions of years to run out of energy. And when they do, the stars expand really huge. Like, super, mega, humongous huge,” I started fooling around with my arms and the kids started giggling. I smiled for a second before continuing my explanation.

“And after they are done with becoming really huge, they collapse and blow up.”

“Blow up?” a boy named Jack asked.

“Yeah. It’s call a supernova explosion. I can find some pictures to show everybody tomorrow. So, after the star explodes, the star will outshine all the other stars in the galaxy. Then they will fade and become a black hole, surrounded by stardust which will eventually make up other stars and planets.”

I let my words sink in the young brains.

“So, to answer your question Katie, stars last forever and ever. Even when they die, they will make other stars.”

The school bell rang right as I ended my sentence. I observed my students packing their bags.

“Okay class, remember that the model of the solar system is due next week! I expect cool models from my cool students! And we only have one more week till Christmas break, guys! Can I get a  ** _yeeeaaah_**?” the kids past my desk, chuckling at me again, waving me goodbye.

I watched as the last kid left the door. I checked the time, remembering I have no more classes for the day. I have guitar club at 3pm since it’s a Tuesday, which will take an hour, so I still couldn’t go back home yet.

I love my job, I thought musingly to myself as I grabbed all my things on my desk and walked towards my office.

Midland Elementary School was the school I went to when I was a kid. Coming back here to teach fourth graders Science after I got my teacher’s certificate has really been fun and exciting.

I recounted my pathway to being a teacher. What year was it? 1993? I was looking for a job, and they needed an assistant teacher in the Science department in Midland. I didn’t think I would get it, but under some sort of miracle, considering how bad I did in high school, I did. After a few months, I decided that I wanted to become a proper teacher, so I took a two year course in teaching, and when I got my certificate, I was upgraded from preparing science experiments to actually conducting them with children.

I never would have imagined I would end up as a teacher.

And it’s all because of him.

I cursed myself internally for thinking about him while I’m at work. I really hate being distracted, especially by thoughts of him. But I couldn’t help it.

I couldn’t help it after nearly seven long fucking years.

It’s all his fault, all his fault for haunting every thought, every dream, every decision. I strongly recalled why I applied for the assistant teaching job.

**_Mark likes children. I will like kids too, so when we get back together, we can talk about kids. Maybe we can have children together one day._ **

Seriously, fuck my twisted thinking.

But in all, I’m pretty glad I’m here. The kids make me happy, and I have a good income now. I’m not highly paid or anything, but I can at least go on the annual vacation with my mom.

She’s been strong for me, and I’m only repaying her back for all the times she took care of me. She keeps calling me up, insisting I do not need to deposit the small sum of money in her bank account every month. I always tell her to not worry about it, or worry about me.

I’m better, now.

Much, much better.

I’ve been taking all my medications. The last time I had an episode was three years ago and I haven’t relapsed since then.

I’m doing good.

All thanks to him.

So, why the fuck do I still feel so fucking lonely?

~

“That sounds good. But on the F chord, your fingers are still clumsy, Jonas. You need to really bar that fret,” I pointed at his small guitar.

“It’s too hard!” he pouted as he tried again on the chord progression I’m teaching.

There’s ten kids in the classroom. I started the guitar club for anybody who wants to learn how to play, and it’s really my baby. I love this club so much that my love for it makes me feel lame and old.

“Here, try relaxing your fingers,” I took his hand off the fretboard and shook the smooth hand. “Now, I want you to really concentrate on that chord when you’re changing, okay?”

He nodded, and with a focused look, he started strumming the C chord. His fingers glide smoothly as he, successfully, played the F chord, then the G chord.

“Good job!” I high-fived his hand as he looked so proud of himself.

The rest of the hour passed by smoothly. When the lesson ended, I waved at my students as they scurried off in search of their waiting parents.

I locked the small music room and walked to my office, wanting to get a bit more work done before heading back home. I hate marking things at home, so I always spend an hour or two in school, doing it all before I get back.

“Hey Tom!” Adam, affectionately nick named “Atom” by the Science department, yelled out to me as I picked up my black messenger’s bag. “You still here?”

“Yeah. Just finished some marking. Going to go home now,” I smiled politely at him. He’s a good guy, and we hanged out a couple of times after school before.

“Oh yeah, she’s waiting for you, isn’t she?” he winked at me knowingly. I just laughed and waved at him as I walked out.

By she, he’s talking about Allan.

And by Allan, we’re talking about the neediest, clingiest, tabby cat you will ever meet in your life.

I found her seven years ago, shortly after Mark dumped me. Well, she sort of found me. Somehow, she managed to get in the apartment building and wouldn’t stop crying at my door. I let her in, gave her some water, and she never left.

It’s kinda stupid naming a female cat after him, but I was in a state when the pain of missing him was unbearable, and I tried to make any form of connection to him. People are always shocked when they find out her name, and even more shocked at how clingy she is to me. There could be ten people in the room, and she will ignore every single person like the complete bitch she is, and only comes purring to me.

In a way, she’s like Mark. She doesn’t leave me alone when I get back home, and she makes me feel needed.

I once got her to promise me to never leave me. It’s silly, making a cat promise you things like that, but I think she understands.

I parked my black car in the same exact spot. I may have upgraded my car since he left, but I haven’t upgraded my residency. The person who has stayed in this apartment building the longest goes to me.

Eleven fucking years.

Mom, Shon and Kari always asked me why I don’t just move out. I could easily afford another place, better than this. But I always insisted no.

I can’t leave this place when it still has memories of him in every corner.

I can’t leave this place when I can still feel him here.

I can’t leave this place when there’s always the slightest possibility that he will come back.

That’s what I’ve been doing.

Waiting.

I wonder whether there will ever be a day when I get sick of waiting for a man who’s not coming back and just pack up and leave.

Because this place no longer reminds me of my father.

It reminds me of Mark, and that pain is much worse.

I walked down the familiar hallway, fishing in my pants pocket for my set of keys. As I turned the corner, I noticed someone sitting down at my doorstep.

Someone I haven’t seen in years.

Someone I only see in dreams.

“M … Mark?” I was in disbelief, really sure this is all a dream.

He looked up from the ground, a huge smile on his face as he jumped up.

My heart wouldn’t stop pounding.

He’s here.

He’s actually here.

“Tom!” he said a bit too loudly. “Hey, you’re finally back!”

“Wh … what are you doing here?” my body was beginning to shake as I kept looking at his face.

That face that I’ve missed so fucking bad these past few years.

“I miss you,” he answered, so fucking direct as usual.

I just stood there, in awe that he’s actually standing there.

This must be a dream, right? Am I hallucinating? Hallucinations are not part of the med’s side effects. What the fuck is going on?

“So, are you going to invite me in, or what?” he smiled cheekily.

I was in a daze as I unlocked the door, letting him in.

“Wow, not much has changed since I’ve last been here. Ooh, who is this?” he squatted as Allan trotted towards us, rubbing her furry face against the tight dark jeans Mark was wearing.

Before I could stop myself, my eyes travelled all over his body, devouring every single inch of him.

Oh fuck, he still looks so fucking hot.

“Allan. And don’t be deceived by her, she hates people,” my voice trembled slightly as I spoke to him.

Mark gave me a surprised look as I said her name, before she mewed, demanding his attention. Mark scratched her little head, which she purred in delight.

“What the fuck? That’s not like her,” I stared at the cat darkly as she seems to enjoy Mark’s touch.

What a stupid fucking bitch. He’s mine!

Realising what I just thought, I felt ashamed for being jealous over a damn cat. I really need to get a grip of myself.

Mark stood straight and began walking towards the living room. I followed him, still confused about why he’s here.

He suddenly turned around and pulled me into a tight hug. As soon as I felt his strong arms wrapped around me, the air suddenly engulfed with the familiar scent of Mark that I missed so fucking much. My senses went on overload as I am completely surrounded by Mark.

“I miss you so much,” Mark said in a gentle voice, sending shivers straight down my spine.

“I miss you too, oh my god Mark, you have no idea how much I miss you,” I think I was close to crying, and I told myself to hold it in.

I’m a thirty year old grown man, I can’t cry at weepy shit like this anymore.

But I couldn’t help the tears spilling when Mark’s lips met mine, the both of us kissing each other desperately in such a deep passion.

He’s here.

With me.

~

“What’s that?” I said as Mark popped something in his mouth.

“Nicotine gum,” he smiled as he entwined our hands together. I smiled at our joint hands like an idiot.

“You quit?”

“Yeah. Figured I will kill myself one day with those things. Decided to quit a few months ago.”

I nodded my head. Mark’s smile didn’t seem to disappear.

He just looks at home, sitting down on this couch with me, holding my hands as we stared into each other’s eyes.

“How are you Tom? Tell me everything. I want to know everything.”

“Well … I don’t know where to start …”

“Do you have a job?”

“Yeah. I’m a teacher at the elementary school near here.”

“Really? That’s great Tom!” he smiled even wider. “What do you teach?”

“Science. I also run this guitar club and you have to meet those kids Mark, they’re so incredible!”

“I’m so happy for you. I really am,” he sounded so genuine that I couldn’t help but felt his words crawling underneath my skin.

He’s happy for me.

“How about you? What are you doing now?” I asked.

“I just got off work, actually. I’m a bass tech. I go on tours all over the place. It’s been fucking great. There are so many things I want to tell you. All the people I met, all the different places I’ve been,” he gushed.

“That sounds amazing. I knew you will do something great,” I said earnestly.

It went quiet, but not those awkward silences. The both of us just needed time to think about what to say to each other.

There’s just so much to say, I don’t know how to start.

“Mark, you know how I promised you that I will get better?” he nodded. “I did Mark. I got better, because of you.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I have bipolar, Mark,” his face registered a slight hint of surprise, before he nodded, understanding fully. “You know my mood swings, how it can get bad? That’s why I have it. I went to a therapist and she told me I have it and I don’t think I was that shocked, you know?”

“Tommy, oh poor you …” he looked sad, and I cursed myself for bringing that slight frown to his face.

“But don’t worry. I take all my medications and I’m perfectly fine now. I learnt how to control it. I’m better now, really.”

“I believe you,” his lips now curled the right way up, which brought me some relief.

“I told my therapist about you, you know. I told her everything, about my childhood, about my dad. It was releasing to talk about it.”

“Hey, what happened to him?” he changed the subject.

“He’s in prison right now,” I can’t help but smiled when I said that.

“Really? For what?”

“Embezzlement. He’s been stealing money from his work all this time. He fucking deserved it. I know he’s my dad, but that guy nearly ruined my life.”

“But he didn’t,” he assured me.

“No, he didn’t.”

Another silence as we stared into each other’s eyes.

“You look good Tom. Like, really good. You’ve grown up a bit, you look more mature now. I like it,” I giggled at the compliment he gave me, feeling the hot flush creeping up my face.

“You don’t look too bad yourself. How old are you? 33 right?” he nodded in response.

“Seven years, huh? So much time has passed. You still have the watch I gave you.”

My eyes looked down at my left wrist. The watch is still in pristine condition, and I took great care of it like it’s my own child.

“I still have your drawing, you know,” Mark continued talking. “And those shoes. I couldn’t bring myself to wear it, so I kept it in the box.”

As he talked about our past, I had to ask the question that’s been on my mind the moment I saw him.

“Mark, why are you here?”

“Well … I don’t know. I just sort of came here without really knowing what to do,” he answered sheepishly.

“Are you … are you seeing anyone right now?” I asked hesitantly, quite afraid of his answer.

“No. Not now. I dated people, but they never last long. How about you?” he looked slightly scared as he asked me that question.

“Just one person. We didn’t last long, either,” I gulped, trying to not think about him. “The thing is … if I was being honest to myself, I didn’t even bother trying to fall in love with someone. My heart is already taken …”

“By who?”

I couldn’t believe he even bothered asking me that, but I rolled up my shirt sleeve anyway.

“Wow, you got a full sleeve now. The last time, it was just until here,” he traced his fingers around my elbow, my whole arm was getting tingly.

I pointed at the tattoo I got about five years ago.

“Does that say …” he looked up at me and I nodded nervously.

It was a small hot pink octopus with a black outline right above my band of nautical stars. It was actually one of Mark’s doodle that I found in my sketch pad. On the right of the octopus’ head, there was a small “Mark” tattooed in squiggly letters.

“Oh my god … I remember drawing this,” he rubbed the skin again and again, in disbelief. “You … you tattooed my name on yourself! That’s so fucking cheesy!”

He started laughing as I grew red.

“But I love it! I love it so much! It’s so sweet of you.”

We grew quiet again as I tried to control my emotions.

I just want to hug him and tell him I love him, but I don’t even know if he still feels the same about me.

“You know, I lied. I know why I came here,” said Mark.

“Huh?”

“Remember the time when Shon came over when we were dating?” I nodded my head, not sure where he is going with this. “Well, when you went to the toilet or something, Shon made me promise him that I will take care of you.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. And I never broke my promise. So, when I went back to Virginia, I contacted Shon and told him what happened to us.”

“You did?”

“And I guess … what I’m trying to say is, for the past seven years, Shon and I talked on a regular basis.”

“What?!” I was dumbfounded at this information.

“It happens once a month or something. I will ask him how you are doing. I never wanted to know too many details because I was too afraid I will fly back to you immediately. He will always respond with that you are sad, but you are coping with it. And a few months ago right before I had to fly off for a tour, he called up and said that he thinks you are ready.”

Fuck.

That must be the reason why Shon was very caring towards me after Mark left.

Sure, we have a better relationship now, but it was because of Mark.

It’s always ended up because of him.

“For what?” I asked.

“For me to come back to your life again.”

I stopped breathing as I tried to understand his words.

Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

“Tom, all these years, I never once stop thinking about you. The only reason why I didn’t come back earlier is because I know the both of us needed time to grow. I don’t want us to blow up like the last time.”

I nodded my head, urging him to continue.

“The only reason I took such a tiring job is because of the money. I still want to buy the house at La Jolla. I now have enough money to afford one. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, with our dogs, remember?”

I nodded again, in the brink of tears.

“So, what do you say? Do you want us to try again? We have to forget about all the bad things that happened, start a fresh. Like an actual relationship. Where we are both equal.”

I forced myself to breathe properly, a single tear has escaped down my face. I looked at him, and braced myself to tell him the truth.

“You know, the reason why I took my job is because of you,” I said shyly.

“Really? How come?”

“I know you like kids, and I wanted to share that interest with you. So I took the job and it was the best decision of my life. I have money to get a better place, but I stayed because of you. Because I hoped one day you will come back.”

Mark stayed quiet as I tried to find the right words to say.

“I will have waited forever, I think. And even though every year it still hurts for me to stay here because it reminds me so much of you, I’m glad I did. I’m glad I had those years to myself. I somehow managed to forgive myself for those things I did to you, and I think I learned to appreciate myself.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Tom, you have no idea.”

I felt like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulder as I heard that from him.

“So, do you want to do this with me?” Mark asked again.

“Of course, Mark! I love you!” I pulled him into a tight hug and buried my face in his neck.

“I love you too. Always have, always will …”

He loves me.

God, how long I waited for him to say that to me again.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” he asked when we broke our long embrace.

“I usually go on a family vacation with mom, Shon and Kari. Why you ask?”

“Wanna come and meet my parents? I told them about you, so don’t you worry.”

“You want me to come to Virginia with you?” my eyes grew wide at the possibility of him introducing me to his parents.

As his boyfriend.

As his partner.

As his lover.

“Of course I do!”

“Okay. I will love that,” he smiled as I said that.

He wrapped his right arm around my waist as he placed his head on my shoulder, leaning on me. I could feel his warmth, smell his skin. It felt right when he does this. It felt like I just found the missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle.

He fits perfectly with me.

“Hey, every year, for New Year’s, do you wanna know what my resolution is?”

“What?”

“Work hard so I can see my Tom. How about you?”

“My New Year’s resolution has always been to be happy. Because I know if I am happy, you’ll be happy too.”

“That’s pretty fucking corny,” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I know,” I sighed.

“Hey, do you think I should get your name tattooed across my butt. With like a UFO beside it?”

“I don’t think anyone want to see your saggy bum, Mark.”

“Hey, not fair! You’re thirty too!”

“Haha, I’m just joking. You can do whatever you want with your bum.”

“Good.”

I placed kisses on his forehead, never wanting to get out of this spot.

“You know what, I will get your name tattooed really big on my wrist, so everybody knows who I love the most.”

He was late.

He usually is.

But I’m glad he’s late.

Because I now know for fucking sure this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.


End file.
